I have been dating a girl for a month and some days, but we were getting to know each other for a month before. I have had sex with a guy, she has not and is a virgin. We engaged in sexual activity foreplay, etc. She fingered me, but I did not finger her, I respected her boundaries.She was more focused on my pleasure and was not comfortable with that. I asked her why and she said she did not want to be selfish. I asked her if this was how her other relationships went and she said yes. I told her that it was not selfish to be the recipient of pleasure and that I enjoyed making her feel pleasure, but that we could wait for as long as she liked for me to finger her and that we did not ever have to if she never became comfortable. (Also, she is the first girl I have been with) Recently, she wanted me to finger her and was comfortable with me doing so. (I did not want her to regret it) I did and she greatly enjoyed it and we have enjoyed this new aspect of our relationship. (She had only been fingered once before by a guy) However, she always says while I am fingering her that she hates being a girl because her body reacts a lot (she gets incredibly wet). I know she hates feeling vulnerable.
She also has body insecurities. She is shorter and perhaps, ten pounds overweight, but is beautiful. She works out, eats properly, and is healthy. I have told her she is beautiful, pretty, and that I am obviously attracted to her. She does note believe that she is attractive. I tell her she is pretty and she says no I'm not. She tells me I am beautiful and wonders how she got such a beautiful girl.
I enjoy looking at her in and out of bed, with or without clothes on. This makes her uncomfortable. I feel bad making her uncomfortable and to be honest, I do not always realize I am doing it and when I realize I am, I stop. She always looks at me.
My questions are: How do I make her more comfortable with what we do? I have always asked her if she is okay with what we do and she says she is. Is there a way I can make her see that I find her beautiful (as do all of my friends) and that she truly is? Any advice would be appreciated.
Best wishes, JAP
Posts: 16 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2010
| IP: Logged |
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
It's clear that you care for your girlfriend very much.
The sad thing is that we can never make (through sheer will or repeating it over and over again) someone believe something they're not willing to believe. At the same time, the cliche that actions are louder than words really can be true, so you showing your love and care for her over time is likely going to have much more of an effect than anything you can say right now.
I know you mean it with the most sincerity, but it sounds as if you telling her she's beautiful might be triggering her insecurities more than anything. Sometimes, when we want to compliment people, it can help to compliment specific things rather than just giving a general compliment. So, for example (and this might not apply to you and she, but I'm just using it to illustrate), a person might tell their partner they love their hair as they're stroking or brushing it. Put another way, pairing actions with words.
I'm not quite sure I understand what you're saying about how your girlfriend feels about pleasure. Are you saying that she feels uncomfortable when pleasuring you, or when she is receiving pleasure?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4328 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
I have to admit that I felt a lot of compassion, concern, and respect in your post, so I first want to commend you on your feelings and tell you how great it is to see someone who has so much obvious respect for their partner. You sound like a very nice person! As Robin said, it's really difficult to change someone's opinions of themselves through sheer determination or willpower. I have a guy friend who is exactly like this. He doesn't think he's special or attractive, and rejects my assertions that he's important and good-looking. I think positive affirmation - even if someone doesn't believe they're attractive, worthwhile, or anything like that - still helps your partner or friend believe that maybe someone else views them that way; and I personally think that that is a good first step to start with. For example, if I thought I was unappealing and no one ever told me otherwise, I think I would feel worse about myself (of course, this is just my opinion on the matter). Your girlfriend seems to have been in partner-focused relationships - perhaps her lack of self-esteem is a result of that? It's great that you're focusing on her and giving her respect, and I'm sure this patience you have with her is a big help to her. Take care of yourself, and keep us updated!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
| IP: Logged |
Robin, thank you. I understand. When I do compliment specific things such as, her lips (she has beautiful, full lips) she says that they are ugly and that big lips are ugly (I have even said this while we were making out) Another example is that one night she was out with my friends and I, they were talking and said that she had the clearest, prettiest skin (she has very nice, clear skin), everyone agreed, but she said that she did not. I know that the people she was around did not find her attractive (including her family, if I am understanding her correctly) and that her features that I love, they do not (ex. her lips, hair). That is a great point, I will remember to pair actions with words.
She enjoys pleasuring me. She feels uncomfortable when I pleasure her. As I said she hates the way her body reacts and feeling vulnerable. She enjoys it, but at the same time she does not. She apologizes for the way her body reacts, even when we are in bed (and says things like, "I am such a girl", but not in way that indicates a positive association). I told her that there is nothing to apologize for and that there is nothing wrong with the fact that she gets very wet and that it can be a good thing because she can enjoy being pleasured more (and it helps me know that I am doing something right). She also says thank you at the end, as though it is an inconvenience for me, not a natural part of our relationship. I have asked if she understands that it is okay to enjoy what we do and she says that she knows that it is. At the same time, when we are in bed she wants to fight it.
Copper86, thank you. I do believe that her relationships were like that. I know that the last relationship that she was in, she was in to see if she could be straight. I asked her why she had never had her clothes off in front of her previous girlfriends and she said that they were not interested and that she was more focused on them. She said the same thing when I asked why they had never pleasured her (foreplay, fingering,etc.). (I did not understand why they would not want to) I know that she greatly enjoys pleasuring me and that, that was also part of her sexual enjoyment with her other girlfriends.
Thank you both so much. I greatly appreciate your responses.
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.