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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I fancy my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, please help!

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Author Topic: I fancy my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, please help!
Member # 96164

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Hi, I have nobody I can talk to about this and I really need some advice, sorry for the length. I have always identified as straight. I have been going out with my boyfriend for around 2 months, and its been going great until now. One of my best friends, M ,is his ex from a long time ago and we have recently become closer than before, and our relationship has become more and more flirty.

At the last two parties we went to, we spent a lot of time together and made a lot of jokey come-ons to each other and had quite a lot of physical contact, to the extent where other people have commented on it. My boyfriend knows we had experimented a bit a long time ago, and I feel like the flirtation is beginning to bother him. Also, I feel that the flirting is not really all a joke, and that she may be genuinely attracted to me. I also feel the same way about her, and am guilty in escalating the flirting.

I want to stop so I don't hurt my boyfriend, but I can't bring myself to. M is the first girl I have ever liked, and as we are already close friends we have a sleepover arranged. I can't be sure it won't lead to more.I feel like cancelling this and stopping the flirting would risk losing her as a friend, but continuing could lead damaging my relationship with my boyfriend or putting myself in a situation where I would find it very hard to resist cheating.

I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I can't ignore my feelings for her and find it impossible to stop flirting with her. What should I do?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Member # 44338

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Well I want to start off by saying that it is possible for you to stop flirting with her and that it isn't likely that a healthy relationship, no matter the model, would ensue if you felt unable to control your actions.

Is your relationship with your boyfriend monogamus? If so, have you two discussed the possibility of an open relationship?

Have you and this friend of yours spoken about the flirtation going on between you two and about your respective feelings?

How is your relationship with your boyfriend? Do you wish to remain in this relationship?

I guess what I'm asking is what do you want out of this situation, ultimately? What you want may bot coincide with what others in the situation want but I find it helpful to evaluate situations in the following way:

If I could have what I wanted out of this situation and I were the only person on the planet with emotions, what would I want?

Know that, ofcourse, others have feelings, do I think that others involved would like things to be the way that I want them? I ask these people what they want.

Based on what I want and based on what the others involved want, what are my options?

What will be the short term and long term effect if each of those options? Which is more important to me, short term or long term happiness?

A thought process like that tend to help me out and may help you.


I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI MessedupMakeup,

I'm sorry you had to wait so long for a response. We were a little short-staffed over the weekend. [Smile]

First, I want to check in about whether there's any awkwardness in general around M being your boyfriend's ex and your close friend. It doesn't sound like there is, but I don't want to assume anything.

Have you and your boyfriend talked about this at all? Do you think that would be a good place to start, to admit that you and M have been flirting and acknowledge that you imagine your boyfriend has some thoughts and feelings about that? It can often help to get things out in the open. Secrecy and mystique are exciting, but not terribly good for a relationship.

Speaking of secrecy and mystique, sometimes the excitement of something new can really rev us up. That's not meant to invalidate the feelings or attraction. It's a similar idea to what you've maybe heard people refer to as the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. I think it's healthy that you're thinking ahead to what might happen and how that could be both good, and a problem. [Smile]

As an exercise, could you imagine yourself having a relationship with M? Flirting and physical attraction is a start, to be sure, but can be a long way from relationship material.

Ultimately, it would be beneficial for you to talk openly with your boyfriend, and perhaps with M too.

What do you think?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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