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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » How do we start dating?

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Author Topic: How do we start dating?
rextx
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Hello there, im a little new to this place. I've looked at the info pages for a while but I still haven't.foundan manswer to my question yet. Ill start high school in august. Anyways I've been best friends with this guy since.I started 2nd grade even.though he's 2 years older than me. I always knew I was into guys but never acted on it. I always spend the night at my friends since its just his and.his mom, so were always around.each other. Im not a very extroverted person but I try to do things with him and his friends even though I don't really know them well. We all went camping a few weekends ago and I got really mixed signals and kissed him and he kinda freaked out a bit. We didn't talk for a long time and I kinda avoided his house but when he finally started talking to me again I don't.know if I could really call it.coming out but he basically said he reciprocated. Should we even.try to date? He can't be out at school and I don't.want to force this. Since were not exact matches he told me to make plans for this week but I don't.know what to do. We already know each other extremely well, and I don't.want to blow it. Help?

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copper86
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Hey!

I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time. Mixed signals can be so confusing; and acting on them took a lot of courage. I think it's great that he sort of came out to you, so you can definitely take that as a sign that he cares for you a lot and that he values your trust and your friendship.

I think when it comes to friendship, the lines of what kind of relationship it actually is can be a bit blurry. When we get so close to someone, it's not at all uncommon that we might feel more strongly for them; or that they might feel more strongly for us, especially if we spend so much time with them and with their families, as you have with your best friend. Don't feel at all uncomfortable or embarrassed about your feelings - they're your own and you're allowed to feel the way you do.

I understand that things would be awkward after the kiss; but at least that gave you both time to think and to sort things out emotionally. It's great that he reciprocates your feelings! But I think that before you start talking about dating or anything like that, maybe you should have a conversation with him about your feelings in general. Maybe you can meet somewhere neutral and casual, like a coffee pub, and just flush out how you're feeling. Maybe you could write out a list of everything you need to say, just so when you're in the heat of the moment (and might be nervous or excited), you could have that list in your head and rely on it to remember what you want to say.

I definitely know what you mean about not wanting to blow it. Liking your friends and having them like you back is often a challenge; but it would help, in my opinion, if you guys had a low-key discussion about this; just so things won't be as "uncomfortable" or anything like that. You still have a lot of time before high school starts, so you can always plan this when you're not busy or thinking about school. Does your friend go to the same school as you do?

I hope you're doing better, and that you're having a good day! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Thanks copper for your reply [Smile] Thats what im worried about the most. If he doesnt feel exactly the way i do thats ok i cant blame him for that, but i dont want him to avoid our friendship because of it. I stay over at least twice a week and his moms really sweet. When you say feelings what exactly are you talking about? Like towards him? And yes hes at the same school as i am, but hes going to be a junior this year and hes starting varsity soccer and football so hes fairly well known around school. His familys also catholic which is part of the reason i dont want to mes sthings up cause i really dont want to pressure him if its not what he wants because his familys gonna be angry either way. I know hes at least curious about it, because he said he hadnt felt that way before even though he has dated and been with girls before. I just dont know how to take this.

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copper86
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I understand exactly how you feel about not wanting the friendship to be affected by all of this. A very similar situation happened to me when I fell for my best friend, who turned out to be gay (I found that out later, but at the time he hadn't come out yet; so he had just told me that he didn't feel the same way about me). For a while, things were tense and I told him I didn't want to see him for a while; but I can honestly say that since then, our friendship has deepened, and he is probably one of the most important people in my life. Our friendship has been through so much and we are still extremely close. I'm not saying that every friendship is like that; but I'm also not saying that if there's a bump in the road, your friendship will not last. Try to remember that you are so close to him and that you care about one another very much. If anything ever happens, I think as long as you communicate your feelings and try not to avoid the situation (but I often do this, so I am certainly not perfect when it comes to this), you're being fully honest and he will see the effort you are putting into the friendship by sharing how you feel.

When I said "feelings," I meant you telling him how you're feeling - about him, about guys in general, about your friendship, and about anything else you would like to tell him (maybe bring up how you got mixed signals, for example... But you don't have to if you don't want to, obviously! [Smile] ). That's good that you will be going to the same high school; since you will be able to see each other no matter what happens (if you date or stay friends).

I definitely understand the religious and familial struggles your friend is going through. Being a Christian, I definitely understand what he might be dealing with. But I'm sure having a close friend like you in his life will be a very good support for him. He also sounds busy with school and soccer and football, so that will help him considerably in managing his feelings. That's very nice of you not to want to pressure him. Do you think he's going to come out to his family in the future?

With any kind of situation that makes us stressed, I think the best thing to do is to try and calm down. I pray to be honest; but I also listen to music that will help me in some way, or I go for walks to try and sort out my feelings. Do you have any activities or hobbies that you like doing that could help relieve your stress? Even kicking a can might help you feel better! [Smile]

Have you spoken to your friend recently? You've been very close friends since the second grade, which shows me that you both sincerely value your friendship. Try and remember that past you have with him and how much he values your friendship as you go through this. Being friends for such a long time shows me that you two probably have a strong bond.

I've read here on Scarleteen that sexuality is a very fluid thing; so it isn't at all uncommon for him to feel curious despite his past of being with girls. Try not to feel so anxious about what's happening. I know that's a really hard thing to do; but try taking things one step at a time - even one hour at a time, if need be - and do things that you enjoy to help yourself relax.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Our friendship is whats apparently confusing him right now, or thats what he says anyways. I stayed over last night once his mom left for work so we could try and talk. Hes the one that wanted me to come over, and he didnt seem upset at what i had to say so things were at least ok. He says he just doesnt want to do anything until he can figure out whats going on in his mind because he doesnt know if weve always been friends because hes unknowingly been attracted to me, or if he thinks hes attracted to me because were friends. Makes sense, i just dont know how to figure that out. I dont really know if he would come out officially or not. I cant say anything bad about that or his family cause im the same way, my sisters the only one that knows just because shes the only one curious enough to care. But his family, theyre really cultural and being catholic is a big deal to them. He may tell his mom when he moves out, but i dont know because i know shed stress out and he wouldnt want that. His dads family would probably never know though. Besides the fact that ancesterally, im not christian, i dont see them accepting a gay in their family. I really didnt find out a whole lot except that im just confusing him. Usually when im stressed i go talk to my sister and thats a 14 mile walk, round trip, so ill at least be occupied i guess.

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copper86
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I'm so glad to hear that you were able to see him last night and that you were able to talk about things. How did he sound, and how do you feel about what he said? Being friends with someone due to underlying attraction or being attracted to someone due to a very close friendship are two possibilities that I think are both quite plausible. How long have you had feelings for your friend (I'm sorry if this was stated in one of your posts)? It might take him a while to figure out the how's and why's about his feelings; but try not to worry about figuring that out for yourself. It sounds like he will tell you in his own time how he came across his feelings; so until then, try not to stress over that (though I know it's hard to not play those scenarios over in your mind).

That's great that your sister is a support for you and knows how you feel about guys. Someone's sexual orientation is very personal; and there are some articles on here about coming out or not, so those might be a support, as well.

I really understand what you mean about religion playing a role in all of this. It must be so hard to try and balance that and how you're feeling. Not all religious/spiritual people are non-accepting of homosexuals or bisexuals - some are very welcoming and do not judge them at all - but I definitely see what you're saying about how he doesn't want to stress his mother out. Is he sure that she would be against his sexual orientation? With my best friend, his parents were extremely religious and he came out; and though the road was tough for all of them, they eventually became closer in my opinion and now things are going much smoother for all involved. He has had his boyfriend over at his house and he has been welcomed; and I think his parents really like him. I'm not trying to sway you in any way - I just wanted to share that in some religious families, coming out can be a positive experience in the long run. Again, I'm not trying to persuade you or your friend to do anything - I just wanted to encourage you by sharing that. [Smile]

Don't feel bad about confusing him. Often, I think that when we're confused, we tend to really try and figure out why we're feeling that way; which can lead to us better understanding ourselves and those in our lives. I'm sure he will come to you when he is figuring things out. And it seems that you two still hang out and stay in contact even when things are confusing; which is great and in my opinion pretty healthy (instead of avoiding the situation because it's confusing, you're talking through it, which is very healthy!). [Smile]

I hope you're doing better! I'm really glad that your sister is so helpful to you!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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He seems fine and not as freaked out about things like he did the first time all this came up. I mean he was calm but quiet, and hes never really quiet. The only thing he had to really say was that he didnt want to do anything at all until hes sure its a romantic thing not a friend thing. I dont know how to do that, but thats ok its his life. Until he gets mad at me im ok with anything. When i started junior high is when i noticed that he in particular i liked more than just as friends, but we never actually got to share school together until this coming school year. Kinda stalkerish, but i wasnt weird about it. And i mean i do spend the night a whole lot at his house but its never creepy their ever or like intimate i guess, his mom has a guest room that their family stays in but i stay there too. Im sorry, i didnt mean to sound like religious = homophobe or anything i know it doesnt always. Ive just been around their family and theyre really into their faith. Hes made me come to church with them before and his family sometimes gets too into it i guess. I dont know if shed be completely against it if he came out to her, but i know itd hurt her feelings. His dads dead and im sure shed like grandkids some day, but i think shed be mainly stressed out about it being me and him. Like, what have they been doing this whole time, or that i did it to him, just freaking out about that stuff. I dont know how supportive my sister really is. Shes nice and all to me, but she really doesnt like me talking about it. I guess shes the only one that didnt expect me to be straight when it was all said and done. She said i shouldnt plague his house when he doesnt even know how he feels, and that shed be surprised if he actually went through with it. I dont know how to feel about that, but maybe shes right. I know im not meeting him after practice like usual so i guess hes still thinking. Overall im doing better, itll just be nice once i get answers. [Smile]

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copper86
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I'm glad he's not as freaked out as he had been before. Freaking out or being emotional about this is completely common. When I've told guys that I liked them - best friends, and friends in general - usually they were shocked or they kind of "knew" I liked them, but they had almost always told me that they needed space to figure out what course of action they wanted to take. And even when people told me they liked me, I myself often got uncomfortable (not because that person was "bad" or anything, just because having someone tell you that is often so shocking and sometimes hard to wrap your head around; regardless of who it is that said that to you) and had to get a bit quiet to figure things out. Don't worry if he needs some time apart to process things. It's great that you're giving him that space and allowance to be quiet (i.e. not meeting him after practice and not making a big deal out of it. Not that you would or anything - I'm just saying that you letting him do that and giving him space was great!).

It sounds like you've liked him for a while now (at least two years? I'm not sure how junior and senior high work in the States, so I'm only guessing!); and I definitely understand what you're going through - liking someone for so long and now having it out in the open. It's a very vulnerable spot to be in, but it takes a lot of courage to do what you did; so remember that and be proud of yourself, regardless of what happens with your friend.

I know you didn't mean to make it sound like all religious people were homophobic, don't worry! Some of them are for sure; and I think that is not the right attitude to have at all. I am entirely against that kind of mindset; and I am especially against it being associated with religion (not that you made me feel that way at all, it's just a pet peeve of mine! [Smile] ). Anyway, back on topic! Maybe you could talk with your friend about how he thinks his mother would handle him coming out; maybe when all this has settled down. Even if you decide to stay friends, it still might be helpful for him to discuss that with you; especially since you've been such a great support for him for such a long time.

Why doesn't your sister like talking about it? Then again, my brother doesn't exactly enjoy it when I come to him with guy stuff, so maybe it's just a sibling thing! I want to politely disagree with her on you "plaguing his house" - you definitely didn't do that when you had avoided him when all this first came out; and he was the one who did the inviting just last night, so I really don't think you're being a nuissance to him. He can definitely be the judge of whether or not what he's doing is right for him or not; so I personally think that if he had a problem with inviting you over, or if he needed more space from you to contemplate his feelings, he would have told you. Also, you both used that time productively to talk; so I think spending time together like that is helpful. I know from experience that avoiding the issue will not help at all - avoidance makes things worse (as in, you know you should talk and there are openings to talk but you choose not to. I'm not saying you should never take time apart from someone to cool down or to sort through your feelings; but avoidance and taking time are two different things, in my opinion.).

I definitely know what you mean about feeling better when you get answers. Your friend sounds very considerate of your feelings - as you are of his - so try to take care of yourself for the moment, be there for him when he contacts you, and try and relax and keep busy until he comes to you with a decision.

All that being said, how would you feel about dating him or staying friends? I know you have romantic feelings for him; but I was just wondering how you felt about either scenario.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Yeah i guess i have. In the states its all different, just depends on where you go to school at. Our schools here are prek-1,2-5,6-8,9-12, so its been more like three years. I am glad that i did it so at least he knows but i kinda wish i could take it back and redo it, i think i went a little far with it. Ill definitely try to talk to him about that because no matter what happens with us just the gay thing coming around was probably hwat bothered him the most. At the same time i dunno if i should preach to him about that, cause its not like ive come out either, the only people that know about me are my friend and sister. My sister really just tolerates me, like a pity thing. The only reason i even get that much is cause i jumped her ex and helped her out. Shes still probably the nicest one in my family on gays though, so i guess its still nice of her. Im going back today to talk to her again about some things, not all just this, but im gonna tell her your pov about hanging around just cause she knows she burned a bit. I guess she really doesnt like talking about anyhing to anyone anyway, but im sure shes just scared somebody will hear what we say and its gonna bite her in the rear. I will try to stay busy, even if i have to make things up to do. Still no word to me but just on facebook i can see hes doing alright. Maybe thats weird. I want to date him, but if that could never happen id hope wed be friends. Hes my best friend, really the only real friend i have. Hes never been a homophobe or anything before but i know i made him uncomfortable with all this. No matter what the satus between us is i dont want to lose him :/

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copper86
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I definitely know what you mean about wanting to redo telling someone how you feel - maybe phrasing it differently or choosing a better time. But I don't think thinking about that will be very helpful; so instead of dwelling on that, try thinking of what you are doing now to stay healthy and relaxed instead. [Smile]

When it comes to coming out, I honestly don't know what to really say for advice; but I would say that it is still a very personal choice. No one has to come out to family or not if they don't want to; and you and your friend certainly have the right to not come out if that is what you choose.

What makes you think that your sister tolerates you, like it's out of pity? Has she ever given you that indication? Sometimes I too think that my brother "tolerates" me; but we are our own worst critics: we can only assume so much and we never truly know how the other person is feeling until we ask. We can think that someone views us one way; but that might not really be how they see us... Do you know what I mean? I bet if I asked my brother if he tolerated me, he'd assure me that he doesn't, that he's my friend. I'm sure your sister cares for you and wants to help you; especially since you go to see her often - not just with this situation with your friend, but with other things, too.

Is she afraid that someone will overhear your conversations and maybe talk about them? To be honest, if I'm out with someone and talking with them, I might look around and think, "What if those people over there know X? What if they hear what I'm saying and then report back?" But I think that to other people, strangers' lives are really not that interesting! [Wink] They are probably so wrapped up in their own situations and the people they're seeing to really listen in. And if any acquaintances do see you, it might not even automatically be assumed that it is a familial situation that you are discussing. If you want to avoid all this, you can always choose a less-populated coffee pub or restaurant; or just hang out at her apartment.

I really know what you mean about not wanting to lose your friend. I think that since the lines of communication are open - and since you've trusted one another and have been best friends for such a long time - that things are going healthily. You seem to care for him a lot, and it sounds like he cares for you a lot, as well; so try not to worry about things going pear-shaped. Going from experience, that will make you feel worse. Instead, think of constructive things you can say to him if he has any questions about your feelings or anything like that. You can even make a list of these potential questions and answers; just so you have them in your head and written down if you need quick references.

Nope, I don't think looking at people's Facebook profiles is weird. I actually do that all the time, and look at a whole bunch of people's profiles. It's fun!

How would you feel about joining some clubs at your new high school in August? That way, you'll be bound to meet more people and to make new friends. That will be something to look forward to now, and it will definitely keep you busy! You can even do some volunteering now, too; which will help you stay preoccupied and will also open the door to meeting new people. I'm kind of shy around new people, too; but going to university and stuff really made me force myself to become less shy (I still am, but I'm not as scared of meeting new people as I once was). Do you go out with your sister sometimes? You can plan to meet her at a movie theatre and watch a movie; or go out for dinner or something on a weekend. My brother and I sometimes hang out; and it's always a comfort to me if I'm stressed or just need to be distracted from whatever is going on in my life.

How did visiting your sister go? I hope you're having a good day!

[ 06-20-2012, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Right now im not so worried about it since he did it back to me, im just not used to being so seperated from him. Its got me a little worked up i guess. Im at least exercising plenty with going to my sisters. I totally agree that its a personal choice and that no one can tell you what to do, but what if thats whats bothering him? Like if everythings there but if we acted on it it would be impossible not to come out to some extent. I suppose i shouldnt worry about that, but that would bother me for him if he didnt want it to happen and it did accidentally especially with school. I know she does, but it doesnt bother me. My familys just really differnet, like i would think of other peoples familys too im sure, and i dont fit in in it. I wasnt included in the traditional thing, so i dont really have much of a connection to them besides dna. I mean my only real friend even now is one of the guys that used to pick on me, so i can see how thats kinda pathetic. I just dont act out on stuff that i should and she doesnt understand. I know she loves me were just not emotionally close. Does that make sense? Not just conversations, but just being around me in general. Her husband doesnt like it when im there, and she just doesnt like me talking about those things in general. She doesnt understand how somebody could be that way, but she doesnt care enough to avoid me for it. We dont usually go out anywhere so nobody knows were related. Ive been really honest with him, at least as much as I could. He knows why i did it, what i expected and what im ok with now. I guess i havent told him my sister knows, but he knows how we are together. I keep hoping it goes well though. Im glad baout the facebook thing. It isnt compulsive but i have been doing it more lately. Like tonight hes out with other friends, so hes at least having fun. I wouldnt mind joining clubs, but i dont know if they have anything id be ok at. My friend told me they have art, theater, sports and honor society. Im sure theres more but those i just dont see me fitting in. But who knows, i could be surprised. Oh no i never go out with my sister. Weve gotten take out before but thats about as far as it goes. My visit with her was good, we mostly just cleaned the house though. She said that as long as i didnt complain about the consequences then it was up to me when or if to visit him. She still doesnt think its a romantic thing with him though, still because of him being straight. I agree a little just because i still dont know. Ive never been in love before but ive looked enough to know that theres no getting aorund being attracted to guys. Him though, i dunno. She said she wouldnt call him a homo if he wasnt attracted to all guys, not just possibly one. She of course thinks i should try at least haanging around girls before i stake my claim, but i dont really see that happening. I dunno, in my family girls are in charge, its intimidating. I dont think theyd like me anyway. Other than that she told me to just keep it out of our parents house and id be fine. Hope you had a good one too. [Smile]

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copper86
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I really think you're doing a great job with communicating with your friend. You're being honest and straightforward with him; which in turn will help him sort things out (he's not getting any mixed signals or miscommunication from you; which could affect how he thinks about his own feelings).

With coming out and it being inevitable to come out in some ways, I don't think that's always necessarily the case. Think of it this way: I'm straight, but if I'm not alone with my partner, then I'm alone with a girl. I go to coffee, movies, libraries, and walks with girls; and you never know how people will think in any circumstance. Like if I'm out with my brother, maybe they think we're friends or a couple; just because it's an opposite-sex outing. Or maybe if I'm with a girl and we're seen hugging, people might think we're lesbians. I think people will either see you two hanging out and just not think anything of it; or if they do think of something, it's not like they have any "concrete" evidence that points out, "Oh, they're a couple." Hey, you could even look like two brothers hanging out! Have you considered talking to him about if he's worried about "coming out" accidentally happening at school? I know he plays sports at school and that you're only just starting there in August, but do you know of any other homosexual students there? There's gotta be some. My high school was under 600 kids, and we had homosexual students. Really, in my own opinion, it shouldn't be a big deal to anyone what your sexual orientation is. You are who you want to be. If someone doesn't like it, it's certainly not their life, so why do they care? I'd grab a loudspeaker and yell it at people if I could!

Are you saying that your family doesn't fit a typical family model? I don't think anyone's family fits any kind of typical or "normal" model. My family certainly isn't, and we're close! People are so different and when you think about it, your family are pretty permanent roommates that you live with for a long time; so there are bound to be things like arguments, tensions, and miscommunication. I really feel bad that you think you don't fit in. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in my family either; but I think that these are just our own insecurities. Maybe you could try doing something with your family - something you all enjoy, like going out for dinner or watching a favourite movie - and work on developing or re-enforcing stronger bonds. I'm sure that you are loved and appreciated there! [Smile]

About the friend who picked on you: you could also see that as a triumph, as that person who used to not like you or pick on you for some reason has now turned around, seen that you're a great guy, and wants to be your friend! Also, you having the strength to forgive him and to accept him as your friend speaks volumes about your character. [Smile] Treat that as a victory, not as something that's pathetic. Lots of people don't want to associate with people who pick on them!

Yes, that does make sense. I'm close with some people but not "emotionally close" with them: I don't share really personal details with some of my good friends. It's a personal choice regarding what you're comfortable with. That's great that you know she loves you - I think as long as you know that and that bond is there, that is a good support system to have. My brother is one of my closest friends but we don't always share every detail with one another; and we have closer moments and more distant ones. Nothing to worry about!

Does your sister have any kind of discomfort towards your situation? I'm sorry if you've posted that before; but it sounds like she might have trouble accepting your choices. Why doesn't her husband like it when you're there? I admit that I myself used to be a bit confused about homosexuality; but I've come a long, long way since then; and I am all for gay rights and would beat the poop out of the first person who hurt my best friend's feelings! People have to remember that everyone has the right to feel the way they do; and even if they don't always understand it, it is the other person's right to act in a way they believe is right for them. As long as you're your own person, I think that is the most important thing.

Maybe you could see if you could start your own club! That way, you'd be bound to meet people who have some of the same interests you do!

I would like to politely disagree with your sister when it comes to "complaining about the consequences;" and also the fact that your friend might be straight since he is only attracted to one guy as far as he knows. First, I think that when something you feel is negative happens to you, you have every right to ask for help; be it by telling someone close to you what has happened, asking for support and comfort, and just letting your emotions out so you can better get through it. I don't think that's complaining - I think that's accepting what has happened to you and legitimately asking for support. As far as the second thing, I think it's way too soon for anyone - even your friend, who's sorting through his feelings - to call your friend straight, gay, or anything. That is not in any way trying to be rude - I don't mean to disagree so often! - but I just think that her or anyone else making prejudgements like that might not help you in trying to make yourself relax and stay healthy during this. But, I know it's sometimes human nature to imagine every possible scenario - I do that, too! [Smile]

Girls are in charge in my family, too! Lol. I find it intimidating, even though I am a girl! [Wink] You could always just hang out with girls to have them as friends; and not to prove anything to yourself or someone else. How do you feel about what your sister said about "keeping it out of your family's house"?

I really hope this post did not sound rude or anything; and I hope that you're feeling better!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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Im glad you think that way as well. [Smile] Although i still havent heard anything back, i do think he at least is informed and knows what i wanted him to know to begin with. I guess he did when it happened, but its expanded now. Were definitely not able to be confused as brothers, thats for sure! 2 completely different ethnicities here [Smile] Friends, sure, i could see that, and i guess i shouldnt worry over that so much anyways. I already stay with him all the time and stay over, but its still something to think about beforehand right? I dont wanna out somebody because i want a relationship, its not fair. I havent but thats just because he didnt want to talk about it since he doesnt even know whats going on as far as thats concerned. Does that make sense at all? I did tell him about me though but just cause he asked. So he knows im not out-out either, even though i am completely sure who im attracted to. So i guess he gets a glimpse of it, or how it could work out. Its a hard comparison from how different we are though. He doesnt know anybody thats like for sure gay around here, and i sure dont yet. Maybe there will be some, but theres a huge "small town" vibe around here. I mean theres stuff that people dont talk about that isnt even private jsut because people are nosey. I would say that, though its true of most families these days too. I guess were just very unique from my perspective from what ive seen of other families. We do family dinners fairly often, but theyre always at home. My mom hates restaraunts, she doesnt think its right so she always cooks from home. I still dont know exactly how i feel about my friend used to pick on me, but regardless of that im glad hes my friend now. It doesnt bother me, but it doesnt make sense to my sister. Or others, probably. I dunno if id say shes completely homophobic or anything but i know she doesnt necessarily think its accepted for what it is. I really dont think its even about the gay thing, shes always been this way towards me. Im just the baby of my family and the one that was out of place, so to speak. They didnt have a ton of interest in me when i was little, and we just got seperated as time went on i guess. I just dont make sense to her, and the fact were so different doesnt help it. Hell she was the one that knew i was gay before i even told her, just not in those exact words. [Smile] Me and her husband just havent had good encounters, at least the few times ive been around them together. Its kinda my fault though, cause he was the one i jumped before. Besides that, i think i make my sister a little upset when i leave and that i cause problems for her. Not upset like crying, but moody. Ive seen it, its not good. Ha, thats just my familys thinking there. I know you dont mean to sound rude, and you dont! Really you dont! Thats just how youre supposed to handle things is solo, anything else is being whiney. Obviously some things i dont keep to myself, one of the other distinctions between me and her, but thats ok. I would like to try and hang out with more girls than i do, its just awkward. I dont share too many interests, and a lot of them here know more about sports than i do so i cant even have that cherry [Smile] The few i know are nice, but i only hang out with them when their boyfriends are hanging out with my friend. Definitely not wanting guys to think im taking anyones girl around here. I dont think she was wrong, really. Id never tell my parents about, and sure wouldnt bring it up around them. No way. Itd make them mad, and i just couldnt deal with it. Theyll find out eventually im sure and ill jsut have to pay for it then, but i am not stirring that pond if i dont have to. Thats one of the only reasons i told my sister or admitted to it, cause shes not dumb enough to blab her mouth about it. Right now im not upset or depressed over it but i am a little disappointed that he still didnt talk to me last night. One of his friends dads got his house taken away and had to be empty by this morning so they asked to come help. Thats all he really said to me, i ended up riding in chriss truck instead too. Im trying not to take offense, but we were there all ngiht and didnt sleep or break but when the time comes i guess hell talk. And again, youre never rude, always wonderful and helpful. [Smile]

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi, Rextx! I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your post in a while... Things have been really busy with my family this weekend, so I did read it over, but I just haven't had the time yet to answer! I'm sorry!

I think that when telling someone how you feel, the only thing you can really do is be honest with them and tell them how you really feel; and the rest is up to them. I've been in your position one too many times; and I know that the waiting game is not a fun one. Sometimes I just had to wait a day or so; but with my best friend I had to wait about three days or so, and that was a nightmare. Try to keep busy as you've said and try to not consume yourself with thoughts of it (though I know that is so hard not to do).

Okay, so I guess the brothers analogy was a silly one on my part! [Smile] But yes, people can see you and think you're friends; and really, if they judge or think negatively, it's their own fault for being ignorant. There is more than one way to live life; and I think that if people of different religions, political opinions, and personalities can be allowed to have their views, then so can those of differing sexual orientations. I really see no difference. I certainly get what you mean about wanting to think about these types of things beforehand - I am a lot like you in that respect for always wanting to have every situation's possibilities accounted for - but maybe you should try and just glimpse at a potential situation and then leave it at that. Or you can write a list of all the different possibilities that could happen with you and your friend, and then leave it at that and try not to think about it. You'd have the list for quick reference if you really wanted to look at it, but think about the fact that now that it's on paper, it's finalized and you do not have to think about it anymore.

I can empathize with you a thousand percent about the "small town" vibe you have. I lived in a small town for a long time and I absolutely hated the fact that people-who-know-you could be everywhere. I think of my freedom in the city and want to cringe; because I probably couldn't even buy a candy bar in my former small town without fearing about seeing someone I know and don't want to see; or actually seeing them. But even in small towns, I can guarantee you that someone is going to be able to identify with you. People who might identify themselves as being gay might be trying to figure it out like your friend is; so maybe there are a lot more of them at your schools and in your town than you think - they're just not finished the process of coming out yet. In my high school, my best friend and someone else with whom I was acquainted (both in my band, so I saw them all the time) came out as gay; and they were struggling with it while they were in high school, so I never knew about it until later. But it just shows that there can definitely be gay people around who are making appropriate choices and transitions about coming out; but we don't know of their orientation because they haven't came out as such; and because they themselves might not know it or are still figuring things out. Does that make sense? I don't know if I worded it coherently, sorry!

I think every family is unique - mine sure is! We do family dinners at home a lot, too. But you can still go out and see a favourite movie with your family, or do something that you all enjoy, which might help re-enforce your bonds. Every family is like that, though... I don't think any family is super close and knows everyone else's secrets and has no problems communicating. As my mother says to me sometimes when I fret about making mistakes, "The only people who don't make mistakes are six feet under." As in, everyone who is living will make mistakes and no one is perfect; so I don't think there can ever be a perfect family model for us all to follow! [Smile]

I'm sorry, but is this friend you're talking about who used to pick on you - is he the one whom you like now? Or is this another friend? I just want to make sure so I can attempt to make sense! [Wink] You can always talk to your friend about how you feel; and see what happens. Maybe if you're honest with him about how you don't really know how you feel about him picking on you, he'll be there to listen and to give you some answers. Sometimes, kids just pick on others for no reason - maybe to feel validated because they're picked on at home, maybe because they think it's cool, maybe it makes them feel better, or maybe it's some random thing they like to do - I don't think it always has to do with the victim. But the important thing to remember is that he is your friend now; and that you rose above what he had done and have forgiven him. That is still a HUGE accomplishment (some people hold grudges or have a lot of difficulty forgiving others), so congratulations again!

It must be hard to have people close to you not being able to understand who you are... I know how you feel and I can certainly empathize, since my friends who came out had to deal with that. One of my close friends didn't have too many problems with her parents - they had just known about it I think, and from what she's told me she didn't have too many problems coming out to her parents and close family friends - but my other friend had a harder time at first (though his family came around later). I think that when kids start to get older, their parents might have trouble accepting that and can't always transition well between the "baby/kid" role to the "growing up/adult" role you're starting to possess. Sometimes, I think my parents have trouble with that, too. Though I think that's normal, it might help if you can somehow assert your independence. Maybe ride a bike or walk to school, volunteer, go out on your own for walks like you do, and just hang out with your friends... Doing those things might show your family that you are growing up.

Why do you think that your sister gets upset when you leave; and that you cause problems for her? You know, I think that in any relationship, it is our duty - when we are close to the other person - to shoulder some of their burdens. If my brother came to me with a problem, I would for sure be there to try and help in any way I could, and that might mean shouldering some of his pain or worries and dealing with that. I think that is the kind of thing we have to do when we are in relationships - whether it is us who are hurting or the other person, the other party shouldering some of the other's problems and worries just goes with the territory and the reciprocity involved in maintaining relationships. My brother would shoulder and take responsibility for my pain and feelings, too; and if he was the one who was hurting, I'd try my best to step up, too. So really, you shouldn't feel like you cause problems for her and that's a bad thing - we all need to take care of one another; so don't feel upset if you have to ask for help or if you need someone to be there for you.

Your family thinks that you make your sister moody? Speaking from a female perspective, girls can often be moody without anyone intervening, lol. I'm not trying to stereotype; but there are certainly times when I'm crabby and it's really no one else's fault! Maybe I'm just having a bad day and the first person to tick me off might not get a happy, smiling me (not that I'd yell or scream, but I might show my more moody look or something or be snippy); so try not to take the blame for your sister's moodinss. You can always ask her what's wrong; and see what she says.

Thank you for assuring me that I don't sound rude! [Smile] I appreciate it! I guess that most people would like to handle things on their own - I know I do at times - but I think we need other people's help sometimes; and there is no shame and whineyness about that. Like I said above, the other party might need our help; and we'd have to step up, too. If my brother came to me, I'd for sure not think he's whiney or inept to deal with his problem on his own. It takes bravery and courage to ask for help!

Hey, why don't you go to a sports game with some girls? You can always ask them questions; so don't feel like that is an out just because you don't understand sports. [Smile] My family is so immersed in one sport; but I still ask my family questions about it because I'm not super knowledgeable about it; and usually I don't feel embarrassed after the fact! You guys can always just go for coffee or something... That would be a good starting grounds for conversation! Well, if you're hanging out with a group of girls, I don't think their boyfriends would think you were trying to steal their girlfriends. However, if you were alone with them and were giving off other signals, maybe they'd think that; but in the meantime, don't worry about hanging out with them. I'm sure the girls you hang out with know the score (as in, you're all friends); so don't worry about that at all. [Smile]

I think not wanting our parents mad at us is pretty common for their children... Heck, I'm in my 20's and I still don't want my parents mad at me! So don't feel bad about that. But I don't want you to think that being gay is wrong or bad - it isn't! Just as your parents and sister chose to be straight, you've chosen to be gay; and that is YOUR choice to make. Try not to let your sister's or anyone else's opinions or "approval" bring you down. Everyone is different, and I think that everyone has the right to be who they want to be. It makes me so angry when people do this. If they were gay, I'm sure they'd want to be treated nicely, right?

I understand how you feel about being disappointed. I feel bad too when people I like don't always talk much to me. It hurts! But you know how strongly your friend cares for you; so try not to let it bother you. Maybe he is just taking some space to figure things out. Don't take offense to it as you've said - he was also busy, as I'm sure you were that night, so don't feel bad! And you're right: he'll talk to you when he's come to a decision. And he was still talking to you a bit, right (when he told you about his friend's dad's situation)? Take comfort in that! [Smile]

Thank you so much! I'm sorry again about taking so long to respond! But know that even if I haven't responded yet, I've likely read your post and will get back to you when I can get to my laptop! (Writing all this from my phone might cause me to trip and bang into something! [Wink] ) Have a good day!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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Dont worry about it, really its no big deal at all. Youre the one thats offering all of this advice i cant demand when you give it to me right? Ive been asleep since yesterday afternoon anyway so i wouldnt have known when or if you responded until now. Hope everything went ok with your family though. [Smile] It wasnt too bad ive been staying awake and busy, guess thats why i crashed so hard. It wasnt silly either, you cant see color through text so you wouldve never known until i said something about it. I dont know what it is about suburban places but i dontk now anybody that actually likes them unless theyre elderly. My familys used to it though thats part of why they are the way they are, or least thats what i was told. You always make sense, and thats something to think about. I mean theres reasons my friend doesnt want things to be known like that, why wouldnt someone else think that same way? Maybe i will find somebody else, but so far nobody else knows of abyone. Yeah i shouldve been more specific. Thats really how me and him became friends, cause hes one of the ones that used to give me problems. I know why they did it and i dont care, i cant change that i failed a grade and couldnt talk well. It stopped and nothing else was said about it. He hasnt done anything like that to me in years so i see no reason to upset him about it now, right? Or maybe im wrong, i dunno. Its two sided, so i cant really be upset about it you know? I know a heck of lot more about my sister than i do my brother, but we still dont have to fully understand each other. She cant help it either, shes older than me. We messed each others plans up and didnt get along so we avoided each other. We at least talk more than i do with my parents so its ok. I dunno if itd be better for them later, or if it ever would be, but i dont see my parents taking it well. I like being more independent though its nice to not beg for everything like hwen youre a kid. Part of it is because its stuff she cant tell anybody else, and because i dont need to be at her house anyway. She gets paranoid over it between our family and her husband. I make her mad because of stuff i say or do, she just doesnt deal with stuff well all the time. It was the same thing at temple yesterday, just cause we were with our family. I know its not always me but i can usually tell when its something else cause shell start crying and tell me to leave. I may do that since they come to practice sometimes too. I dont really like being alone with just one girl anyway so i dunno if thatd ever be a problem. At least id be too awkward to mix up any signals heh. Im not saying that what youre saying isnt true, because i dont think its wrong to be with who you want to be, but i know its not how they think. They should, because thats what their situation was, but theyre my parents i cant call them hypocrites for it. It doesnt bother me, im not going to be any more straight if they know the truth you know? But i still dont want to throw it out there for them. Plus they dont even know my friend, he hasntbeen to my house so im already a step ahead. It just hurt a little that day, especially as things went on. Cant do anything about it now, and it shouldnt be a big deal anyway. I guess ive been out for a while, my phone finally charged and its blowing up from missed notices so i guess ive got that to look forward too today. Thanks again [Smile]

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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I guess i fell asleep at temple yesterday, my sister wasnt happy about it and neither was my mom. And i think my friend wrote me a novel over the phone, i didnt even realize i got those messages. Now i kinda feel bad for not replying to him, and i dont really know what to say to it. He said he went out with another of his good friends, says he still doesnt know why he feels a connection with me. Didnt have one with his friend though, i guess thats good. Church has been weird for him after he went to penance. I was kinda surprised cause he said that it wasnt sinful to have those feeligns but it wsa to act on them. He wanted me to come over because his mom was worried were fighting since i havent been over there, but thats all i really got out of it. Didnt give me any specifics, but i dont know if i should go over there just to help him out or if hes wanting to talk more about things. My heads still pounding and i think im just taking his texts the wrong way. :/

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copper86
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Hi, Rextx!

My laptop is currently out of commission, so I'm hoping that my response through my phone will still make sense!

You say that you and your family go to temple? What kind of religion or denomination do you identify with? Is your friend of the same religion, too? (Not that that is necessary or anything, I'm just curious. [Smile] ) One thing that stuck out at me was that your friend said it wasn't sinful to think or have homosexual feelings; but it is sinful to act on them. In my own opinion, I don't think that is true; but it depends on your faith I think. With any activity - sex, feelings, school, sexual orientation - I think having talks with God about how you're feeling and getting to a safe place with that and what you feel comfortable with is important. Also, there are lots of churches who are inclusive of gay people; and gay ministers are also present within congregations. That could be something to tell your friend: that someone who has those feelings and also acts on them can be a minister. That position has to do with your faith and not your sexual orientation.

So your friend was the one who used to pick on you? That's so nice that you're close now. Failing a grade and speech is nothing to poke fun of... But kids are often immature and don't always think things through. You shouldn't blame yourself for your sister's reactions. As someone always tells me, you can control your own responses; but not others' responses to what you've said.

Falling asleep at temple might get you in trouble... Lol. Are you okay after all of that happened? When you keep busy, make sure you also take time to sleep and relax. How come your parents do not know your friend (or did I misunderstand that?)? Where do they think you are when you spend the night at his house?

Did you end up going to his home? You can go for both reasons - to help him and if he or you want(s) to talk - but only do it if you feel comfortable.

Take care, and I hope you're doing well!.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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Its OK I've had to make replies that way too but it turns out OK. You go to college though I'm sure you need your computer fixed anyways . Technically my family is Jewish on both sides but I dint do as much as the rest of my family does. My.friend though he's Catholic so its pretty different . Peoples religions make you think different things. I dunno if I'm OK with talking to our rabbi about bit in not like my friend is. I'm not really sure how it works maybe just not doing anything sexually for the ministers and stuff I mean. Yeah I definitely got in trouble for that afternoon but.oh well. And I'm sorry I'm a lil confused am I OK after temple? Right now its OK I just have mad parents. Well they've just never met him before a lotta times they think I'm at my sisters but for the most part they're not too nosy. I didn't end up going so now I feel bad I think I upset him. I'm gonna try and go to practice today and make it up to him. Just some of the stuff he said really upset me cause I took it the wrong way. Most of it was just him still being confused. Thanks for replying even if you had to do it on your phone. [Smile]

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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