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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Sorry it's so long

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Author Topic: Sorry it's so long
Member # 94870

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sara.Samosa     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So this is a big one.
I am a cis-gender female and have been identifying as bisexual (not openly, just to my closest friends) since I was 15 and have been in a relationship with a boy for a couple years now. What I have found (mainly during the last year) is that I have experienced a shift in my sexual orientation. Before, when in public, I used to immediately pinpoint out males that I found attractive. I donít do this anymore. Now, all I ever have eyes for is women. Women everywhere! So beautiful! This is all very new to me. During the entirety of my childhood and most of my teenage years I never had a crush on a girl. I found them attractive but, having lived in a very homophobic area, never truly allowed my feelings for women to stray into something I couldnít control. I am now in a very GLBT-friendly place and, over the last year, I have grown to disprove many of my old stereotypes related to GLBT culture and locate myself within it very comfortably. I feel as though itís an intrinsic part of my identity.

I do have one huge problem. I have no words for how much I love my boyfriend. There are few people in the world that know me as well as he does, and there is almost nobody I can trust as much. I think this love might, in a way, be blinding me about my true sexuality and my sexual desires. I find that it is very difficult for me to know truly whether I still enjoy sex with him or am just putting on a show for his sake. Itís not as simple as ďIím faking itĒ. I have never pretended to experience orgasm when I havenít. I just find that the thought of a woman is very necessary for me to become sexually aroused.

I donít enjoy vaginal intercourse on the grand majority of occasions and, in many years of being sexually active, have only had very limited orgasms during it, and this was because I also had direct manual stimulation. Another factor is we are in a long-distance relationship and can only have sex every couple of months, which makes it difficult for me to tally whether my levels of sexual satisfaction are a recurring matter or whether they were just specific to our last encounter.

When we last saw each other we had many sexual problems. To an extent he suffers from the heterosexist thought that vaginal sex is the be-all and end-all kind of sex, and deems it necessary in the majority of our encounters. My ability to orgasm during this encounter was heavily compromised, and I had to conjure up thoughts about women to get myself off. Iím unsure whether this general shift in sexual preference is a phase or whether it is the manifestation of me being oh so gay. I truly donít harbor any sexual feelings for any other man except him, and am unsure about my feelings about him. I am also preoccupied that whenever we see each other, Iíd never be able to opt out of vaginal intercourse entirely even though sometimes I canít even feel it and sometimes it feels downright uncomfortable and unpleasant. I, however, did enjoy it greatly around six months ago.

Am I trying to sabotage my relationship because Iím unhappy I see him so little? How can I know my feelings toward women are real?

Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 94870

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Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Sara, hope I can offer some suggestions [Smile]

You mention about feeling attracted to women at the moment. I wasn't clear from your post, are you also still attracted to your boyfriend? Have you been able to talk with him about your sexual orientation?

Actually it's very common for women to not experience orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, even when they are very aroused and attracted to their partners. When it feels "uncomfortable and unpleasant", do you talk to him about that? Are there other sexual activities with him that you *do* enjoy and find pleasurable?

I don't think that fantasizing about women during sex is very indicative of your sexual orientation. Many people have fantasies about other people and activities which they wouldn't be interested in, in day to day life. It's more helpful to consider who you are attracted in real life. For example, is there a particular woman you are interested in?

Long distance relationships can be really taxing- how do you both feel about that aspect of your relationship?

Will also link you to some relevant articles:

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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