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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » How to tell my spouse I think i am bisexual..

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Author Topic: How to tell my spouse I think i am bisexual..
greenthumb95
Neophyte
Member # 86375

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Hello everyone. I have recently discovered I am quite possibly bisexual as I desire to perform sexual acts on men. My only issue is figuring out a way to tell my spouse. I am not sure how she would react to the news, as she sometimes seems close minded about the topic, but then other times not.

When she drinks, she makes comments that make me think she suspects something..but I dont know exactly how she will react..and that is what scares me. On one hand, I can see her freaking out..on the other..I can see her not being suprised at all. I wish there was a way to see exactly how she would react..before I tell her. Any suggestions? Thanks !

Posts: 29 | From: Nebraska | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think we should start by checking in to see if you feel ready to come out as questioning or bisexual.

Obviously, we sometimes really can't know how someone we come out to will respond, so part of being ready to come out involves feeling ready to deal with the range of reactions the person we are coming out to may have. We also need to feel able to deal with questions that person might ask, too.

So, before we take this anywhere else, how are you feeling about all of that? In one of your other posts, after I'd asked about it, you'd said you think you'd like so see an LGBT-friendly therapist if possible to help you with this. Is that still something you want to do? If so, did you want to do that before coming out to anyone?

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
greenthumb95
Neophyte
Member # 86375

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I would like to come out, but not sure how she would react to it. There are times when I think she already has an idea, but other times i think she could freak out. As far as the LGBT therapist goes, I am not sure about that. I am not even sure if I am bisexual or not. However, the signs are pointing to it it seems.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know about the term "questioning," right? If not check this out: Q is for Questioning

I think that for now, it might be a term that better describes the process you're in, and also might feel more comfortable for you right now.

When you say she could "freak out," do you want to talk about what that might men, and how you feel about it? If she does freak out, is that something you feel capable of handling right now?

It might also be helpful to think about what positive outcomes you're looking for here: what do you ideally want from her in coming out to her? What are you hoping will happen? How would you like this to go?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
Neophyte
Member # 86375

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Well, she has a very high stress job, and by freaking out i mean..she might think shes not enough for me sexually. She has seemed open minded about gay and bi people, like when they are on TV..but i am not sure how she would react if i told her i was questioning.

In telling her, or coming out...I want her to open up sexually. Our sex life is very vanilla, and almost non existent.

However, I have yet to have a sexual experience with a male. In the perfect situation..I would tell her, she would be totally understanding and supportive and I could try out my curiosity once to see if its for me.

The difficult thing in this whole situation is not knowing exactly how she would react.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, let's say she says she thinks that means she won't "be enough" for you sexually. Is that a concern you'd feel prepared to talk about with her? Do you feel like you have the information and tools you'd need to talk about that?

When you say you want her to open up sexually, do you mean that you want to come out to see if that won't result in her trying new things sexually?

If that is what you mean, I'd suggest you NOT connect those things. Instead, I'd suggest just talking to her about your desire to explore new things sexually, give her some idea of what those things are, and ask if she'd like to try them. What you do not want, obviously, is for her to feel like she has to try those things because you potentially being bisexual means she'll need to do things sexually she isn't interested in to keep you from seeking out male partners, which is a place I can see someone easily going if you connect those things.

But it does sound like you're saying you would also like to talk to her about the possibility of you, in the future, having other sexual partners. That's a conversation to have if you have that desire, but again, all of this is a LOT to put on yourself and her on top of coming out.

I hear you: it can feel really scary not to know how people, especially those we're closest to, will react to coming out. At the same time, you married this person, which probably means you know her pretty well, if not really well. So, whatever gut feelings you have on how she might react are probably pretty on target.

But I'd just do what you can to be sure, before coming out, you feel up to hearing, seeing and dealing with any possible reactions she might have. If not, you just may want to give yourself more time first to think more about all of this yourself, get more educated about it, and maybe get some outside support in-person, first, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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