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Author Topic: 2 parts question.
Smthng56
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Ok, so I'm a gay man and turned 25.. So I've got 2 possible problems:
1) My sex drive - thing is I don't really understand if my sex drive is normal or low. I never had sexual encounters with anyone and since puberty I was completely "self-sufficient" and spent lot of strength to suppress sexual feelings everywhere except moments with.. pornographic materials on the web. All my sexual fantasies (homosexual ones) was kind of "voyeuristic" style - I couldn't "insert" myself in them, although I wanted to. This changed only in past 1,5 year after I started therapy and accepted my sexuality (maybe not completely..). I do have spontaneous sexual fantasies even when I see some attractive guy from time to time, but most of the time I actually have to try to be in my own fantasies. Anyway, it seems that my sexual drive is very rigid, but still I don't understand if I need special help with that. I've met other gay people and it always seems to me that they are lot more excited when they talk about sex and I feel kind of down when I hear them talking about it around me.
2) Second possible problem is my fear of AIDS (well other infections too, but less) - few gay guys I know been talking about how they had few partners in one year, how they met guys in clubs and had sexual relationships quite quick with them. Of course, they used condoms and such, but I still keep on thinking that its risky, especially when you lack experience. Even when you dated someone for quite long time you can't just trust words "I'm safe", can you? So I can't really imagine what I would do.. ask for a paper with negative results of analysis? I guess no..

I've got very low hope to meet other gay man who would wait and help me adapt to sexual life. I don't understand what to do really, but I want to get to know what is love, sex and such other important stuff in this life.

I would life some insight from experienced people on these things. Thanks in advance.

Posts: 73 | From: Russia | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You know, the idea that we can measure libidos that way is really, really problematic. There is such a range amongst individuals and through life that trying to create that kind of scale is often not at all helpful, IMO.

I also hear you saying that you have really only just begun accepting your own sexuality, and feel -- as is likely sound -- that non-acceptance and shame have suppressed it to some degree. That's not at all surprising.

No matter what someone's sex or orientation is, no one who lives in the world right now is totally safe from HIV. No one. And asking for safer sex and things like test results is not at all unreasonable or uncommon. So yes, you can do both of those things.

Condoms do an amazing job at protecting people from HIV. The primarily reason worldwide HIV rates remain so high isn't because condoms are failing: it's because people aren't using them or aren't using them consistently.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Smthng56
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I know I suppressed my sexuality, but can it improve in natural way? I feel helpless about this. I have feeling that I should want it more (to have sex I mean), it seems that I could live all life just satisfying myself when needed.

I asked some experienced gay once about what he thinks about HIV and stuff. First, he said that asking for test results would be offensive, then he said that "there's always a risk, what can we do". I felt confused about his words.

Posts: 73 | From: Russia | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Sorry to be so slow getting back to you on this.

So, one thing that's important for me to say is that I do not know jack about gay culture in Russia. So, it could be very similar to here in the states, or it could be radically different. I honestly have no idea, though I'd be happy to do some research around it if you'd like.

That said, I'd also not say that the opinion of one gay man you've talked to about this should be presumed to be universal or representative of anyone but himself. As well, it sounds like your friend may be short on some education around this, since there are absolutely things you can do: condom use alone reduces the risk of HIV hugely, by upwards of 90%.

Here in the states, we're pretty much way over things like queer cultural silencing around HIV, and it would not be seen as offensive at all for men to be asking potential partners about HIV status most of the time. Too, you strike me as someone very smart and very sensitive and very caring in general, so I can't imagine you'd want a partner who wasn't savvy around this stuff, you know? Who got offended by you caring about both of your health?

In terms of if things can change with your feelings about sexuality, of course they can. Suppressing feelings for a while doesn't mean they have to stay locked in that box forever. As you slowly open that box up, keep taking time to get more comfortable with your sexuality, that usually results in...well, feeling more comfortable with it.

Mind, what your libido is like may not ever be what you think it "should" be like regardless, since libido levels vary among people, and not just because of suppression or repression.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Smthng56
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Thanks for reply. I don't know much about gay "culture" here. Due to high homophobia there is no real ways to develop it yet.

I understand that his opinion is not representative, but he is most experienced gay man I know, so I have nothing really to compare to.

And thanks for the kind words, I guess its just big lack of experience talks in me.

I got what mean, I'll just keep on taking time to be more comfortable and stop thinking so much about it [Smile]

Thank you.

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Heather
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How about the mirror? [Smile]

In other words, if a potential partner asked YOU if you had been tested for HIV, would YOU find that offensive?

What about a partner asking to use a condom with you, which is what we can do to reduce STI risks?

[ 09-26-2011, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Smthng56
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I wasn't talking about myself. Of course, I would not find it offensive if someone asked me if I'm safe or even asked me to do test or show results. I would (and I will, I hope) even suggest doing tests together. And I have nothing against condoms..
But anyway, its not that I've got this kind of situation right now or any soon.. Just was trying to see how people see it. Thanks, Heather.

Posts: 73 | From: Russia | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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