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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Presence

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Author Topic: Presence
pasos
Neophyte
Member # 72924

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Hi all,

I'm a gay cisman and I hadn't had any form of sexual contact with other cismen for about 3 years until two months ago, when I decided to post an ad on Craigslist classifieds. It was generally a very positive experience - the guy was beautiful and receptive. We stated our boundaries from the outset, and checked in with each other at different steps. This was the first time I had penetrative sex, though I had to bottom because I was too nervous to get hard...I also noticed that my drive was much lower than my sexual partner's, which I conjecture is partly due to my proclivity for depression. Finally, there were a few times that I completely zoned out. It's not like I would begin to think of World War 2, or Math, or anything too remote from the sexual event. Rather, they were thoughts of comfort, safety, and the realization that I genuinely wanted to be there.

Anyhow, I never saw this guy again, but I rashly decided to keep having sex with more guys to overcome
1. Nervousness
2. Low libido
3. Mental absence

I've been with other seven guys since, and have noticed that the more I get to know a guy, and the more I like him/perceive him to be intelligent and empathetic, the more present I am during sex. This makes me think I should not be worried when I finally find requited love, but it does make me wonder if it's normal that my body is not as cooperative as I wish during casual encounters.

Note: I am aware that casual sex is a risky activity, even if condoms are worn every time.

Posts: 3 | From: Gainesville, FL | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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So, it may sound like I'm stating the obvious here, but do you think it's just possible that for you, like for many people (I'd even say the majority of people), you need to establish trust over time, and get to know someone better, before you feel more sexually responsive and comfortable?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pasos
Neophyte
Member # 72924

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That's what I've been thinking... The guy I've felt most comfortable with said I was "the relationship type." It just isn't obvious to me that there are many people who "need to establish trust over time," since none of my sexual partners seemed to have any problems whatsoever.

I also found your reply to the previous thread ("Dating") very insightful, thank you!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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From everything I know in studying sexuality for as long as I have been, more people than not do not have their most awesome sexual experiences with new or newer partners, but with people they have gotten to know over time.

Some of that is about trust and emotional comfort, but some of it is also about the fact that all our feelings for people can be different, all our bodies can be, all our sexual responses and dynamics can be. So, it's very common for sex to take "practice" with new partners for it to become and feel really great.

For sure, by the way, you may find in your life that even if that's your norm, now and then all the good stuff will happen with someone brand-new to you. But that'll probably be less common than more, especially if you're like most folks.

(And of course, 8 partners is hardly a statistically significant sample of people to figure you can guess what all people are like based on them, either. I also think it's sound to say that a lot of people using something like Craigslist for sexual hookups is likely to be a population more comfortable with sex with partners they don't know well than we'd find with the general population. After all, people who really aren't comfortable with that are not likely to use a way in that tends to require that kind of comfort.)

At the same time, I also want to say that we always have to remember that when we have new partners, the idea THEY will feel safe being very sexually and emotionally honest right at the gate is also iffy. So, we can have new partners who say or act like they feel as awesome and comfortable on date one as date twelve, and that may be a truth for some, but a falsehood for others, whether it's about them being dishonest, or about us -- as their partners -- thinking they seem totally comfy and responsive, but just not knowing them well enough to perceive that correctly.

Know what I mean by all of that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pasos
Neophyte
Member # 72924

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Ah! Now I see it was incorrect to infer that the guys I've been with are at all representative of people in general. At times I've thought my shyness was perhaps a type of sexual dysfunction, but actually...(I'm sorry my memory failed me in my last post) two of the guys couldn't get an erection! They didn't look nervous, though they did tell me they were. And this is something very delicate about sexual hookups - we don't know each other well to decode each other's behavior effectively. Not even ejaculation is the best indicator for comfort and satisfaction...

And I think I know what you mean, never to discard the possibility that our friends/partners may not feel comfortable with us or what we're doing, particularly if they're complete strangers.

I'm finding writing this out very helpful...

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd not at all call shyness (or much else, honestly) "sexual dysfunction." Plenty of people are shy. For sure, it's a kind of social anxiety, but again, it's not like it's not one a lot of people have.

Too, I think you need to leave yourself room for stil being new at this. You haven't had a life of sexual partnerships for years and years: you're just starting on your learning curve, something everyone has, even though people aren't always in the same place with it, or go through theirs in the same way or at the same pace.

I'd also agree that a partner ejaculating isn't a reliable indication of comfort and satisfaction. For being pretty new at this, I think you're picking up on some things pretty quickly that take a lot of people a lot longer to figure out. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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