Part of this post is just my experience in questioning, the other is directly asking questions. I'm a 19 year old, cisexual woman and have only been in romantic and sexual relationships with cisexual men. I have however, since the time I was young (say about 7) wondered occasionally what it might be like to kiss another cisexual woman. I mainly have had crushes on guys but noticed in Jr. High an attraction and brief crush on one of my gal friends. I also had an attraction to a girl in my gym class, though I'm not completely sure I'm using the right term as I never asked if this person identified themselves as someone who is female, trans, male, intersex, androgynous, or genderqeer, etc. Thus I don't know if I also have an attraction towards people who identify as trans, ftm, mtf, genderqeer, and so forth. I have also noticed at times that I get turned on by videos of sex between two cisexual women and also between someone who is trans or genderqueer and another who is cisexual. Other times I'm not really at all and find myself turned on by solely sex between people who are cisexual and heterosexual. Based on past relationships though, I know for a fact that heterosexual and cisexual sexual and romantic relationships work for me. I do not know from personal experiences, however, if sexual and or romantic relationships with a transsexual woman, cisexual woman, transsexual man, or genderqueer person are right for me. I'm not sure if my feelings are more fantasy based or reality based. I also have a complication because when I was 13-15 I was raped by a man who gained my trust and built an exploitive, manipulative, abusive “relationship”. He started encouraging me to engage in bisexual relations with another underage girl he knew. It never went through, but that is still there as well as him saying, “oh no, I don't think your just straight, I think your bi”. And thus, even though I had a curiosity at a young age, I don't know if the desires are also entangled with that in a way that confuses what I really want and what others have projected on to me. I am starting therapy though and hopefully will be able to address this (still in the “interview, have a couple appointments to see if it is the right fit” sort of deal) Anywho, really long explanation.
As for my questions, what are, given the world we live in (and I'm in the United States, which more or less can be more open, though not completely), how can I perhaps test this more and find out if these occasional desires are more fantasy based or reality based? I may not be ready to test this out with another person just yet, but would still appreciate any feedback I can use in the future. I also don't want to just use someone to find this out; so I suppose just seeing a mutual attraction forms between another individual and I that is not heterosexual, and if it seems healthy and people are open and communicative, informing them of the fact that I'm questioning and seeing if, perhaps with different sexual activites (maybe just holding hands or kissing, seeing how that is, and if feels okay, proceeding to other activities), they feel good or don't? Or are there better ways or steps to see with just sex and exploration by and with myself first before engaging with another person? Also, since my desire seems occasional rather than constantly ongoing, could this perhaps be a sign that perhaps it is more fantasy. I know from former articles on scarleteen that sexuality is quite diverse and that, say if you consider yourself bisexual that doesn't mean you will have a 50/50 attraction to men or women at all or just at certain times.
I apologize if there is already an article written on this; I looked at the first couple of pages under LBGT and desire and didn't find exactly what I was looking for, though I could have missed one. As far as safety concerns that can come with exploration, I currently live at home with my mother who has a very supportive stance of me exploring these areas when and if I am ready and want to. My friend circles seem to be more open to bi-sexual relationships and one is even questioning herself.
Thanks for your time, if someone is able to reply to my post. ~green_aquamarine
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2011
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quote:Originally posted by green_aquamarine: so I suppose just seeing a mutual attraction forms between another individual and I that is not heterosexual, and if it seems healthy and people are open and communicative, informing them of the fact that I'm questioning and seeing if, perhaps with different sexual activites (maybe just holding hands or kissing, seeing how that is, and if feels okay, proceeding to other activities), they feel good or don't?
Hello . I would agree with this part of your post as being a good approach. As long as you communicate kindly and clearly that you are questioning but attracted to that person at that time, and the other person is also happy with this, I think it could go really well. Sometimes our sexual fantasies or what kind of activities we enjoy watching are not the best indicator of what we want in real life. When you do feel mutual attraction with someone, thinking about your orientation may be less confusing for you.
Also, I'm glad to hear that your mother and friends have been supportive of you. That's a great thing to have. Good on you for getting started in therapy and I hope it turns out to be another strong support for you
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