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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Homophobic sister

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Author Topic: Homophobic sister
Member # 67614

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I am in the slightly unusual situation that my parents are completely fine with me being a lesbian, but my sister believes it is completely wrong on religious grounds. I only came out to her relatively recently as I knew her views and was scared for her reaction. When I first told her I was dating a girl, she seemed to take it quite well. We then got engaged relatively quickly as relationships go. I only have one sister, and coming from a family where family duty is high on the list, I asked her to be my maid of honor. She agreed and seemed excited. Then she started thinking and talking with people. And back-pedaling fast. She told me to start with that she might still be able to be maid of honor, so long as everyone knew that she was supporting me as a sister and did not agree with the marriage. At which point I told her there was no way she was going to be in the wedding (I did it nicely, of course).

She's making this whole affair about her. With the emotional abuse from my childhood followed by deep depression and a suicide attempt, I find it a complete miracle that I've finally found a way to be happy and feel good about myself. And my sister doesn't think I should have that. She acknowledges that people are born gay, so the only logical conclusion is that gay people, to stay in good standing with god, should never get into a sexual relationship. Ever. She didn't have an answer to that. She keeps telling me how hard the wedding day is going to be for her. She says she's scoured the bible, but the evidence is irrefutable. I did not have a religious upbringing, so I have no leg on which to stand to contend that, except that I know so many open-minded, loving Christians. She claims that she loves me the same, but she can't - it's not possible when she thinks such a large part of who I am is fundamentally wrong.

I spent an hour on skype with her today and I haven't stopped crying since. I love my family despite all the hurt they've caused me. I believe that family is important and she's my only sister, but this is tearing me apart. My fiancee wants me to give her an ultimatum to find a way to deal with it or not talk to her anymore, but I don't know if I can do that. I love her...she's my sister and I know all the pain she's had to go through to make it this far in life, but I don't understand what gives her the right to tell me that what I'm doing (which is hurting nobody) is completely wrong.

My fiancee met her for the first time a few weeks ago, and it didn't go well. I don't think it ever will. But I'm sick of being the one scapegoated in my family. I've always been pointed to as the trouble-maker, and I feel like this is a setup for that again. She's saying she'll still love me, at the same time as telling me I'm completely wrong. She's putting her beliefs above family, but all the family will see if I cut her off is that I didn't give her a chance. That's been the knee-jerk conclusion my entire life, and my sister's pretty good at playing the devoted family member when she needs to.

I keep flying between different emotions - mostly anger and hurt (which are relatively indistinguishable at times), but then guilt that all this is getting put on my fiancee and some kind of duty to my parents to work it out so they don't have to deal with feuding daughters. But sometimes I wish I could just be free to live my life without caring about my sister's judgments.

Sorry this was so's all a little fresh and emotional. Any advice on how to approach the whole thing would be greatly appreciated.

Posts: 1 | From: PA | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm not sure what she scoured the Bible with, since there is NOTHING in it about homosexuality, something many, many Bible scholars will tell you. There's something in there about men raping other men, but who knows what their orientation was. Homosexuality is a concept and language much, much newer than the Bible, so it's unsurprising it's not in there, just like it's unsurprising airplanes aren't.

And for sure, not all Christians, not even close, feel the way she does. In fact, a recent large poll made clear that the majority of Christians support gay and lesbian marriage, for intance.

Of course, that doesn't help you very much, and probably won't make any difference to your sister. It sounds like she may simply be trying to use religion as a scapegoat for her own bias and bigotry. I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with this.

What do you most need from us right now; how can we best help you? We can talk about your options with this, we can just be supportive of you, we can try and give you tolls for all these conversations? Just let me know what you need and we'll give it our all.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 63794

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id say (and i kno this is hard) but just tell her all the stuff u just told us. How its hurting you that she cant understand, and how ur the same person n all that stuff. Just talk to her calmly, not like a confrontation, and try to convince her that you are the same person and that this isnt a sin.
Posts: 10 | From: America | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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