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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Am I a Lesbian :)?

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Author Topic: Am I a Lesbian :)?
xxKristii17
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I was introduced to pornography at nine years old and at that time, I had my first lesbian experience with my best friend who is a year younger than me. We did not do anything major, only touched each other on the Vulva.

Years have passed and I'm still questioning myself on why I am having such a hard time determining my sexual identity. I have always women emotionally, physically and sexually more than anything and I would even fantasize about relationships with them -- I even liked men to some degree as well, emotionally and physically. I can fantasize about sex with them but would I ever, really go through with it? no. Nothing about men is sexually attractive to me and a relationship with them isn't something I crave, see or dream. I admit that I was in a relationship with a guy friend last year and it was horrible, the guy made me feel extreme nausea everytime I set eyes on him or felt him grab my hand (first boyfriend). I was forced to date him, really, by my parents and friends. I, myself, didn't find anything attractive about him so I did what I had to do.. I broke up with him in less than 20 hours. I also had another experience with a different guy. I fell for him (emotionally) a few months ago. This guy wanted to have sex with me but seeing his **** and the way it was.. I just couldn't go through with it. I was never all that attracted to the male body.

Now as I sit here typing to you, I find myself more happy than I have ever been -- with the girl of my dreams. We have been dating for four months now and everything is going extremely wonderful. I can do about anything sexually to her without being disgusted or embarrassed. When we make love I get a feeling that I'm going go be with her for the rest of my life (this comes from the heart and soul). I fought to be with her and I'm never going to give up, no matter what people say or think when we are strolling hand in hand down the street. <3

[ 04-14-2011, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: xxKristii17 ]

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I love you Steph. <3

Posts: 53 | From: Halifax | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Trying to determine our sexual orientation based on feelings for one person is a pretty iffy thing to do, so I'd advise against it. Sexual orientation is about who, on the whole -- not individually -- we tend to be romantically and sexually attracted to, and have those feelings for much more broadly.

You'll also want to try not to factor in any aversions you might have. To be clear, being lesbian isn't about NOT liking men or NOT having those feelings for them, it's about liking women and having those romantic and sexual feelings for them, exclusively or darn close to exclusively.

In other words, the question isn't who DON'T you like or who DON'T you have feelings for. It's who DO you like and who DO you have feelings for.

You say years have passed for you: what do you mean by that? How old are you, and for how many years have you been exploring relationships with others?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xxKristii17
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I have been questioning since childhood (9-13). I was in a bisexual phase for most of my teen years (17 now) and have liked both genders for quite a while.. always liked women more sexually and emotionally though I would date men (due to my parents being homophobic). I never had any experiences before which is why I questioned myself in the first place, I wanted to know why I felt that way.

I fell in love with my first girlfriend four months ago and ever since then, I can no longer see myself with the opposite gender. My feelings for women have grown a lot stronger, more than I could ever imagine or thought. I do like men as friends but to have a sexual relationship isnt for me, I'm attracted to women more.

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I love you Steph. <3

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Heather
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So, the ten-million dollar question then, is this: how do YOU want to identify right now? What feels most true for you?

Adding to that, do you feel like you'd be most comfortable identifying as questioning, or most comfortable picking a language to reflect what your feelings are right now? There's no right or wrong answer to that, just what you want and what feels best to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xxKristii17
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What do you mean? I'm sorry but I don't understand what you're trying to say.

I'm more comfortable with women, sexually. I am highly sexually, physically and emotionally attracted to them.

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I love you Steph. <3

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Heather
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I mean, you ask if you're a lesbian. We can't tell you that, because that's a word for identity that you get to use if you want, but you don't have to use if you don't want to. What words we use to identify our orientation are up to us, and should be about what feels most true for us when we're using them (or not using them).

So, if you feel like identifying as lesbian is what feels right for you now and is most reflective of your orientation now, you get to do that.

If, on the other hand, you're not sure, you don't have to. And one term people in that spot can use to identify instead is "questioning." In other words, you also have the option -- amongst many options -- of identifying yourself AS questioning if that feels best. Make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xxKristii17
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Yes. Thank you.

I would like to identify myself as a Lesbian, mainly because I cannot see myself with the opposite gender (anymore) and am only sexually attracted to other women (meaning I want romantic and sexual relationships with them, ONLY). [Big Grin]

Men are wonderful, don't get the wrong idea that I dislike them because I feel more comfortale with women (stereotype I continuously hear). I just feel more confident, calmed, and everything else.. I feel like myself when I'm with women, especially my beloved girlfriend. <3

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I love you Steph. <3

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Heather
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Then it sounds like you've got your answer! [Smile]

(FYI, no worries about stereotyping here. Both not something we do or enable at this site, and personally, as a queer woman for decades, you certainly aren't going to hear any coming from me! [Smile] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xxKristii17
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Thanks.

I was wondering if being emotionally and sexually (I didn't have sex with him, only was fingered) used by a man can contribute to how I now feel about women? I always like women, yes, but after that incident.. those feelings have grown so much stronger that I can no longer say I'm straight (because that would be a lie). I fell for another guy right after being used, mainly because he comforted me and helped me understand that a sweet (pure) girl didn't deserve something like that.

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I love you Steph. <3

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Heather
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It's much more likely that experience contributed to how you feel about men than to how you feel about women, especially if you understand that gender only makes people so different.

In other words, if you conceptualize women as the opposite of men, then maybe that does have something to do with how you feel about women. If, on the other hand, you know that gender is nothing close to that simple, and that women can also do what that one man did to you, I'd say that it's not likely what happened with that guy has much, if anything, to do with how you feel about women.

It also sounds like your feelings for women very much pre-dated that experience, to boot, so it's not like they only showed up after that or in reaction to that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xxKristii17
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Thank you, again. [Smile]

What is your view on virginity as well?
I have never had sex with a male and I have never had the 'physical factors' of losing my virginity but with the strong relationship and connections I have with my partner, I'd say I already have lost it. To me, losing your virginity is more of an emotional connection rather than the physical acts you do.

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I love you Steph. <3

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Heather
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This might fill you in: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_women_who_sleep_with_women_know_when_they_have_lost_their_virginity

[Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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I'm happy for you. I wish I had a gf. But what made me angry in one paragraph is that you parents forced you to date him!!! OMG! It's bad enough ur friends did it but why would ur parents *force* you? It's one thing if they'd just given u an opinion, but they had no reason to force you! That's jank! It's ur love life!

U kinda remind me of me. Two days ago, this guy, who I'm really good friends w/ and knows that I'm a lesbian myself, he had his arm around me on the way to de bus, and a teacher said, "what are u doing?" Then she said she thought we were going to kiss. I freaked out, bc I'd never kiss a guy. Ever! It embarrassed me so much, I was too embarrassed to let him do that again. We were just friends!

But yeah, I can see what ur going thru. I went thru a lot of it, and I hope ur happy ending comes next lol! good luck wit ur gf.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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