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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Dealing with differing sex drives

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Author Topic: Dealing with differing sex drives
Member # 61497

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So, I tried looking around on the forums for answers to my question, but I couldn't find anything quite like what I'm needing to ask.

I'm in a relationship with my second girlfriend and the first girl that I've ever had a sexual relationship with. She has been in relationships with men before, but not with women. My concern is that I seem to have a much higher sex drive than she does, though I also have a much harder time orgasming (which I think is just an experience difference as she has a lot more sexual experience than I have due to my upbringing). I've only very recently (and well into our relationship) been able to have orgasms and/or enjoy sex.

My issue is that I want to have sex more often than my girlfriend does, but she's more easily satisfied than I am so if we have sex where I'm more the "giver" than the "receiver" then she's usually ready to sleep while I'm still aroused. It's very hard for me to do anything about that since we sleep together and I don't want to wake her up.

I like pleasuring her, but I'd also like to try to, well, get pleasure as well and I'm not sure how to raise the subject. I certainly don't want to frame it as, "Hey, you fall asleep really quickly, so can we get me off first?" but I'm at a loss as to how to politely frame the request. It's not that we don't talk about sex, because we do and quite openly, but it just seems rude somehow.

I guess what I'm asking is, what's a good way to deal with a difference in sex drives?

Posts: 1 | From: Alabama | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Actually, I don't see any issue at all with a statement like, "Hey, you fall asleep really quickly, so can we get me off first?" She likely knows she does fall asleep very easily, and if your pleasure and satisfaction is important to her, it's not like this won't be a concern she has. I don't think that kind of statement is rude, just practical: if and when someone does fall asleep after orgasm quickly -- and a lot of people do -- to be good partners, they're going to want to be sure their partners are still taken care of knowing that happens, you know?

Another option some partners do with something like this is to take turns about each partner getting a turn to have the night (or afternoon, whatever) be primarily about their pleasure. In other words, on Tuesday, the focus is on you and your body and your orgasm, on Thursday it's on her.

That might also help with sex drive differences. I don't know what this is like for her, but sometimes not having interest in sex means none at all, other times it can mean someone isn't in the mood to do something to someone else or to have themselves engaged when it comes to their own genitals or what have you. Know what I mean? Have you two ever talked about how she feels about not wanting sex when you do to know what the whole story is, and to make sure that she's not a "none" when she might be a "some" or "some things, not others?"

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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