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Author Topic: where on the deity's green earth is all this coming from?
jo27
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Long story short, I am 23, the woman I'd call my best friend is 29. I hooked up with her on a casual basis for a month or so a year or so ago, she broke it off, she now has a.... well, I suppose the best word is boyfriend, although she doesn't call him that, who is younger than me, with whom she has a monogamous sexual relationship, and with whom she is very soon going to move in with.

I don't know if it's fair to say I never got over her, though maybe it is; I had quite a bit of casual sex with guys last year and tried dating a couple of girls though nothing worked out. Thing is, she still knows me like nobody on earth. You can't build emotional intimacy overnight, and I found sex combined with emotional intimacy almost unbearably intense.

I know she has that with him, and honestly, I have never felt something so sting-y, sharp and intense as the way that makes me feel. She has more or less made it clear that if I don't get over my jealousy there can be no proper friendship. "I love him," she says, "you just get to deal with it." I remember Heather saying something on here once about jealousy being a combination of fear and insecurity, and I think that's certainly true in my case. I'm so terrified of losing her, and watching her develop such an intense relationship with him makes me feel.... redundant, as though I can never live up to him, not the least because he has a penis.

Oh, I've been to therapy, I've been on antidepressants for nearly a year, I've finally managed to stop abusing alcohol, but all my pain, my insecurity, a guts-deep flood of venomous sickness, seems still to surround this situation. I don't understand my feelings, and the intensity of them is making it nigh-impossible to push them away and accept her relationship with him. In my head, it's a narrative of heterosexual monogamy supplanting bonds between women, and that narrative I can't seem to shift. It's just.... the same old thing, the boy/girl thing. And I can't help being jealous that men just seem to waft into her life, and that my five determined years on internet dating have yielded very little except guys, which I don't want anyway.

My heterophobia (insofar as it is that; I've no idea, it's not like I haven't had sex with boys and discovered a penis is just an organ and not the all-powerful transcendental signifier) makes me sick. But I've never felt anything like this in my life, and it's not like I haven't dealt with unrequited desire before. What on earth is going on? what on earth can I do? I want to be a loving friend and I feel I've completely lost control of my emotions. This is all disproportionate, nonsensical, ridiculous. I feel guilty and ashamed about almost everything to do with my reaction, internal, external.

NB: Filling my life with other things, taking time away from her, have tried.


[I posted about this about a year ago in a different permutation (http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/15/t/000845.html)]

Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pumpkin_Pie
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jo - I'm hearing that you're feeling very upset and mixed up about this at the moment - is there anyone you've spoken to about offline about this besides therapists? Do you have other friends besides this woman?

Do you still see this friend of yours often? Do you think remaining best friends with her when you're holding on to so much from your relationship is a good idea in terms of keeping your heart safe?

Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jo27
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Yeap, I've no shortage of other friends, and I have talked it over with some of them too. They've been supportive and sympathetic.... but the approval of the woman in question means a whole lot to me, and when we get on, man do we get on well. She understands me a lot better than many of my other friends.

I see her less often nowadays than I'd like. We have periods of having a comfortable relationship, and I think we'd both like it to be like that all the time. I suppose what I'm looking for is a way to let the past go.

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Pumpkin_Pie
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It can be really hard to break a bond where you feel understood but do you think a clean break from this person would help you?
Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jo27
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It certainly does sound like the ticket the way I've described the situation. However, that is something I've tried a couple of times in the past and I just ended up missing her.

To add complication upon complication, last night we were both a little bit worse for wear and she more or less offered me her body to explore, and said the boytoy didn't mind. Of course, I took her up on the offer and of course it was exquisite.

Sigh.

Thank you so much for listening, by the way; even at my advanced age it's good to vent to someone anonymous! [Wink]

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Pumpkin_Pie
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haha if you're advanced I'm over the hill so the less said about that the better [Smile]

Jo: I really would caution you on protecting yourself around this woman - she is sending you very mixed signals and as hard as I know it can be (believe me I know) sometimes it's better to just distance yourself entirely from a situation like this when it's causing you pain.

Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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