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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I give up

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Author Topic: I give up
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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I think it would've been better if I never found out the problem of dating gay in high school. I wish I could be running around with a glass slipper not knowing why it won't fit on anyone. I think it would've been easier to put effort into seeking if I never found out and I would've been happier. I wish something/someone could take that piece of knowledge out of my head, but now since I will always know this, I'm not strong enough to put any effort anymore. Now I think I probably shouldn't even attempt to date and/or look for any girl. I ain't going to even date a guy. No guy had better come after me! I don't even wanna say no. I think I should not date anyone at all. I'm just tired out. I can't look anymore. I've had enough.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd like to make a suggestion that you consider dumping the Cinderella analogy you've used here a lot, including in this post. I don't know about you, but I don't find glass feels good on my feet, and besides being a fable that says a lot about family abuse, I don't think Cinderella is a very useful story. I also don't think it's a very positive or realistic way to look at love or dating.

While certainly, the dating pool -- in high school but also beyond -- when you're lesbian or gay is smaller than it is for those who are straight or bisexual, you're also voicing things that a whole lot of people, of all ages, feel when it comes to dating. Sometimes it can be very frustrating to try and find people we fit with romantically, and sometimes there will be times in our life when there just isn't anyone.

If and when we feel very weary around that, it often is a good idea to take some time off from looking and just focus on the other partners of our lives and social lives, putting romance on the shelf for the time being. Finding awesome romantic relationships when we feel stressed out, frustrated and super-lonely or world-weary doesn't usually tend to happen. What more commonly happens is that we put people off OR wind up in relationships that are not right ones for us or anyone else.

If you're feeling like time away from trying to date is the best thing for you, it's great you've identified that and feel able to make the choice for yourself in that regard that feels best to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
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Member # 50934

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B4 I read the rest of what you said, Heather, all I did was use an expression about Cinderella thing! It ain't literal! I've never seen a glass slipper in real life. Furthermore, I told my mom about this metaphor and she says its a good one. Which is the other thing; Incase y'all didn't know, It's just a METAPHOR!!! I am not dumping that expression! I mean, I dumped the cursing at people when you told me to b/c cursing is bad, but one is not. Plus I always use fairy tale expressions when it comes to dating. For ex. "You have to kiss every frog b4 you find the prince(ss)" That I use when it comes to a time when I go through a break up with a creep. My mom taught me that metaphor. Or "I'm waiting in the tower for my night to come and rescue me". I always use the expression "running around" which is why-- that's the other thing. Using fairy tale idioms is a unique thing, on the grounds that I always like to do something different for a change. Therefore, I always make up my own expressions. In fact I make up words too and etc. You know what I mean?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

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Ste-Funnie, Heather was making an analogy, too, just as you were.

Heather handled explaining the problems with the Cinderella analogy well. I'll see if I can take a crack at the others you provided. The thing with analogy is that if you use common analogies that there is a widly accepted meaning to then people are going to assume that.

"You have to kiss every frog before you find the prince/princess"

:No, you SO don't! You can certainly date a lot, but relationships require conversation and compromise and work. "Love at first sight" may be great for first sight, but after first sight? You need to realize that if you are expecting anybody to be perfect then it is likely tha tyou are gonig to experience a lot of disappointment. Absolutely nobody is perfect.

"I'm waiting in the tower for my knight to come and rescue me."

:Again, this.. probably isn't going to happen. Analogies stand in for what you are actually trying to say when used properly. So what I am hearing here is that you are waiting for somebody to come to you. You can't just expect that your amazingness will draw potential people out of the world and into your life.

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I guess with both of these as well as the Cinderella analogy the problem is that you seem to be expecting somebody to save you. To come in and say "you! You are perfect! Let's date forever!" That's not how the majority of relationships work.

So if you didn't mean what people usually mean when they use the Cinderella analogy then I wouldn't use it without explanation.

[ 01-19-2011, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Stephanie_1
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Technically, that's not a metaphor, because it doesn't say one thing IS something else. It's simply an analogy. Furthermore, Heather was suggesting that you ditch that analogy not because it never works in any other situation as an analogy, nor because she could put into perspective how it's not a "fun happy story" all throughout - but because it's simply not realistic. Often people use fairytales as a basis for relationships,and it's simply not a realistic view and often when people have that view they are setting themselves up to be hurt or surprised when they realize life just doesn't work that way. Furthermore, just wanted to say that I think the tone you used here with Heather was very rude.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Lady
Neophyte
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Darling I know you're having a rough time right now but these people are just trying to help, give them the benefit of the doubt that they don't even know who you are. We don't have enough information to make an accurate judgement or give you the proper advice you need to hear. But we try, and it's the thought that counts.
From experience as well, I can tell you that high school in general can be very hard. Not just the dating scene, but peer pressure and other areas are very stressful. It's a time that people change a lot, go through puberty and try to find themselves. So naturally it's going to be quite confusing for everybody. But try to be more positive, when you get to rock bottom there is no where left to go but up. So if you have nothing to lose, then you have everything to gain.
Try to be more positive and be more open minded, it won't nessesarily mean that you will find your 'prince(ss)' right away but you are giving yourself a fair chance instead of just giving up.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'll be very to the point.

You said:
quote:
I always use fairy tale expressions when it comes to dating.
You have also had multiple posts here, including this one, in which you have expressed that dating is not going at all well for you and that you feel very frustrated and lost.

I suggest that part of why may be your habit to view dating and relationships in fairy-tale frameworks.

Thus, I suggest that one thing which may change your experiences from yuck-to-yay is to change that view to something less limited and cliche, more realistic and more positive.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Once more, Ste-funnie: when you are posting in this forum, we are going to presume you are asking for help, feedback, input and/or advice.

If you do not want any of those things, but just want to vent without anyone's participation, then you'll need to do that in a journal of some kind, or in some other outlet that is not about community participation. This outlet is.

I feel like myself and others have been very consistent and patient in explaining that boundary with you several times, as well as some others, but at some point, to best serve everyone, we need to draw a hard limit.

If you continue not to heed that direction, and also go off the rails when myself and/or others do try and give you constructive feedback, which is what we do here, we're going to eventually make clear it may be time for you to move on, because this kind of response and posting simply becomes too disruptive to the community and staff as a whole.

[ 01-20-2011, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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You know what? This isn't going to work out.

First of all, there's nothing wrong with making up expressions once in a while. Second of all, YES YOU DO, CR!!! I'm sorry, but FYI I ignored CR! I can't take his/her nonsense. He/she is just ticking me off! It's over.

Heather, Idk what ure talking about. I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time. I can't help it. I do the same thing to my mom. The diffrnc is, at least you ain't doing this in person and dealing w my meltdowns.

When I'm at therapy, she doesn't say what you said.

It looks like your last comment agrees w what I said about this not working out. The problem is, if I do this on an online journal, no one ain't gonna help me, unlike this sight. Sometimes I wanna quit this, but a) I'm addicted to this sight b) who else will help?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Ste-Funnie, it's beyond not okay on this site to lash out at other users. Coat-Rack has been trying very hard to help you, and just because you don't find their advice particularly useful doesn't mean that you can yell at them and put them down like this.

Heather was suggesting that you write in a journal because a lot of the time, it seems like you are not looking for input and advice from us. If you are looking for advice, then that's great and you're more than welcome to post, but it also means that you need to be more respectful to those posting replies to your questions. Again: we cannot always tell you just what you want to hear, and asking for advice means being prepared to hear things you weren't expecting or don't agree with.

[ 01-24-2011, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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