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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » No idea what to do.

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Author Topic: No idea what to do.
Tom the Mighty
Neophyte
Member # 50524

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I'm trying to figure out how to phrase this without looking like an attention-seeker. I honestly do want help with what's going on here, but I'm having trouble figuring out what the question is. Please, bear with me.

I guess - well, my story is that I'm a female genderqueer in a somewhat-open relationship with a male. He's one of my best friends, next to another female genderqueer person with whom I tend to speak about sex, relationships, et al. We give each other advice and are just basically really close. To clarify the rest of this narrative, my friend takes "she" pronouns.

She and I were at her boyfriend's birthday party the other day, and by a complex series of events wound up making out in a closet. (And, no, alcohol was not a factor.) I think she identifies either as bisexual or bi-curious, but the fact is that after this happened, she kind of freaked out and said she needed "time to think." We've been attracted to each other for awhile, but this really worries me because I love being her friend and would hate to fall out over this. :\

In terms of our boyfriends, she's said previously that her boyfriend hasn't felt at all threatened by me and that he wouldn't mind if she and I did kiss. (The logic, I believe, goes something like "This person doesn't have a penis, and therefore is not a threat to me." Mrk.) My boyfriend is all right with what she and I did, but says he wouldn't be okay with any more.

I feel like I'm flirting with disaster here - it's always up to me in these situations to be the emotionally strong one, and while I can handle a romantic relationship with my boyfriend, I wouldn't want that with more than one person. Not only am I having to juggle a situation where my friend and I both have partners, I'm worried that if she and I kept doing things, she'd want to be romantically involved with me - which would, I think, mean I'd have to stop giving her the honest advice that is such a cornerstone of our friendship. I'm really attracted to her, but I wouldn't want to lose that just for a little fun.

Basically, I have no idea where to go from here. I don't want to pressure her, and I don't mind if this just winds up being a "one-time thing" - gods know I've been the friend with whom bicurious people of either sex test their proclivities more often than once. But I don't want to lose her friendship. I love her dearly.

Any advice, I guess, is what I'm asking for. If any of this sounds familiar, let me know how you'd handle things? Thanks!

Posts: 11 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
luanne
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Member # 48638

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It doesn't sound like the fun of being friends with benefits is worth the emotional strain it might cause. Be as honest about this with your friend as you can. You don't want to mislead her. I'm surprised a staff member hasn't come here already and said something that boiled down to "communicate!" [Smile]

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luanne
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^ Rereading that, it sounds like I'm knocking the staff a little. I'm not. I love them.

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Tom the Mighty
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The staff are busy people, I'm okay with that. Besides, this section has had some... unstable questioners as of late.

I guess. :\ We've been friends-with-unresolved-sexual-tension, at least, for quite some time, and we're talking now. Perhaps I'm making too much out of this. One thing our relationship has always had is lots and LOTS of talking on both side, so that shouldn't bean issue. Thanks so much!

[ 01-10-2011, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Tom the Mighty ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just for future reference, not only would we not assume a user coming here was just seeking attention, we also recognize that a lot of people, especially young people, need attention, so we don't judge around that regardless.

In reading your post, it's sounding to me like you're saying you'd feel better if, to borrow a phrase, what happened in the closet stayed in the closet. Not metaphorically, but literally. In other words, I seem to be hearing you expressing a desire to not do anything beyond that, or to repeat that. Am I getting that right or not?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Tom the Mighty
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Member # 50524

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It's not at all that I don't want to again. I think it'd be fantastic if my boyfriend were less monogamously-inclined, but ultimately it's the stricter boundary between the two of us that I have to respect. (If that sentence makes sense.)

If my boyfriend were OK with me doing any more than kissing her, and she weren't quite so prone to letting other people's desires sway her own, and, well... a lot of things, I guess - then I'd love to keep doing this. I just worry. A lot. The people of my generation seem so fragile and emotionally complex, and building relationships with them is like trying to balance eggshells.

Anyway, I guess I can manage this on my own. I realize the question being presented was really vague, but I guess I just wanted to vent. I process things textually, and having people around to "proof-read" and make sure I'm not barking up the wrong tree is useful. Thanks, guys. [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think I get it.

It sounds like you're saying that in an ideal world, it would be awesome to create a secondary relationship, but neither your primary partner now, nor this person seem like they're in a space where that would be a good thing.

I don't know how generational all of this is: my impression is that when it comes to love and sex, more people than not are both very vulnerable and very complex. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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