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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » people should learn how to have guts to turn me down

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Author Topic: people should learn how to have guts to turn me down
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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I'm worried that if I ask a girl out (mostly bisexual women; I'm not worried about a lez) she might just 'yes' me either if she doesn't really want me or she might just say yes for a stupid reason. It's happened b4 but w/ a guy when I was straight. I asked him out, and I even told him that he can say no. I told him, "it's okay if the answer is no and I won't get upset w/ you". Guess what? It didn't work! He totally messed up. I'm worried that it would happen w/ a girl. I mean, yeah, I would be disappointed, but I'll get over it. I won't be upset forever. It's not like I'd cry in front of the person. What do you think I should do? Besides waiting for her to ask me out]] [Confused]

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I don't think you should make assumptions about how other people will behave based on how one person did, that's all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
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Member # 50934

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Heather, it wasn't just one person. It always happens but not always about dating. I ask people if I can touch their hair and they don't want me to but they 'yes' me. I ask people at lunch if I can sit with them, they 'yes' me. I invited someone to my 14th bday. She said she was going to come. My friends told me she was lying but I disbelieved them. They turned out to be right. She yesed me. The other guy that I dated yesed me on a lot of things but he asked me out. So it wasn't one person!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay.

So, let's check in about a couple of things:

1) Are you very sure that all these folks saying yes to you really wanted to say no? have they later expressed to you they wanted to say no?

2) And if so, do you feel like you're communicating in ways with them where you really leave them room to say no, rather than being forceful, pushy or argumentative? When people DO say no, for instance, do you feel like you react well?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
Activist
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When people say no, of course I react well. When people say no, I'd wish they say yes but don't talk them into it. I don't flip out. I respect that and accept it. Girls do it more than guys which is why I'm worried about this ask-out problem. In fact, I knew a girl who was bi. She was all crazy on me. We used to experiment together. She was dating a guy and I liked her. I almost said something and she said what. Then I said "no forget it" and she's like "no tell me, come on, you can tell me anything", and I asked her if she breaks up with her bf would she go out w/ me. She said yes but then she eventually broke up with him. I was happy but my mom said that I should wait till drama club was over. Then the night of my play, she turned out to have another bf. I said nothing to her b/c I didn't wanna sound pushy and rude.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, in that case I think what you were asking wasn't really kosher. We can't expect someone to predict the future like that, that's not really something sound to ask someone, and it sounds to me like you interpreted something as a promise that wasn't one.

I think with what you're concerned about, someone saying yes when they want to say no, the best you can do -- that anyone can do - is to be as sure as you can that you're asking someone you think would want to go out with you, and just leaving lots of room for them to decline and feel okay about it. Besides doing that, you can't have control over how people respond or make choices.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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No Heather. I had no clue of it being a promise. I knew it was a promise. I just wish she didn't yes me. It took me till my stepdad was booted out to learn how to not yes others. Especially b/c I always had to yes him. Finally when he was out of the picture I got out of yesing. When I'm about to yes someone I stop myself b/c I hate lying. It's a symptom of autism where I can't lie and I ain't good at it.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd not assume people saying yes when they want to say no are lying, exactly.

Sometimes people just don't feel able to assert themselves in some situations, which you obviously know something about yourself given what you're saying about your stepfather.

As well, sometimes people say yes because they're just not in touch with what they really want, or don't know until later that what they thought they wanted wasn't what they really wanted.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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No offense but I think y'all got it all wrong. To me, I find it lying. Besides, the thing you said about them not knowing what they want, it wasn't like that with my first bf. He admitted that he never wanted me, yet that he was yes-ing me. Plus, that girl I invited to my party, my friends told me she was lying that she was coming. Besides, that bi girl I thought was going to date me (I'll call her Hazey) I heard the way she said yes. She was kinda nuts. Oh btw I read the last comment and I meant to say "I knew it was NOT a promise". You don't need to promise when it comes to relationships. But if Hazey came crawling back to me, I would turn her down b/c other than the ask-out issue, she's a messed up chick.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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