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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » She Says She's Not Ready to Date

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Author Topic: She Says She's Not Ready to Date
wyntermidnite
Activist
Member # 24641

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Hi all,

I have a lesbian friend who I had a crush on when we went to school together last year. We were never single at the same time, so I let things be so nothing would get complicated.

We're now both single and recently started talking again and hanging out some. I tried flirting and she seemed receptive, so when I took the plunge and told her how I feel about her and how I'd like to take her on a proper, romantic date. She said she likes me, but couldn't do that right now because she's still too hung up on her ex gf from 4 months ago (which I kind of already knew) and that she had been date raped by a guy she went on a date with as a rebound for that ex (that I didn't know about at all.)

She said she isn't healed from it all emotionally and can't open herself up yet and that she'd only hurt me, but that she liked hanging out together and being friends and didn't want to lose that.

So I agreed to still be friends, but I feel odd about it all. I waited for so long to tell her how I feel and got really infatuated with her in the last few weeks as we reconnected. I don't know if I actually can just be her friend without a lot of pain and complication on my end. I feel guilty because I pretty much told her I'd still be friends with her with the intention of staying close with her to 'wait it out' until she's in a better emotional place and we could try starting a relationship.

Is it completely unrealistic of me to try being friends with her if my goal is to eventually date her? I feel like it's deceptive, but she said she likes me, and I like her. I feel that being a good friend to her would let me show her that I wouldn't hurt her and that I'm a good person. I wouldn't push her into a relationship or with her healing time, I just want to build a foundation of trust with her. It just seems like a bad idea in my logical mind but a great idea in my heart because I'm head over heels over the girl.

What do you guys think? [Confused]

Posts: 70 | From: Fullerton, CA, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When you decided that you were going to voice these feelings to her, can I ask what your expectations were?

In the case that she didn't share your feelings, were you figuring that you just wouldn't be friends or wouldn't want to continue your friendship? I know that maybe what you thought about in advance might not match what you're feeling now, but I'm curious.

When you ask if it's deceptive to be her friend if you have a goal of eventually dating her, I guess my question would be this: would you want to be her friend if you two never dated?

For sure, though, if being friends with her really would be about proving you're worthy of dating, I'd say that's not likely a good deal for either one of you, no matter what happens. But you say she's been your friend, so I'm assuming you've liked being her friend as a friend already, no?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wyntermidnite
Activist
Member # 24641

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I have liked being her friend. I think if she had turned me down because she didn't like me I would have accepted that, closed that door in my mind and resumed being friends.

I was cautious in my advances, always getting a green light before trying a little more, just flirting and such, but I slowly let my hopes build up until I was sure that she was receptive.

Now that I know she likes me but this isn't the time nor place for a relationship for her, I feel left hanging. I finally feel in a place to be in a relationship again (after almost a year of attempting to move on from an ex), and am actively trying to date and she was my first real try that I thought was going to work.

She's also the first girl I've seriously gone after and pretty much the only time I've taken on the role of pursuer. It was really a scary experience for me knowing that with her I needed to make 'the moves'. I just seriously didn't think that I'd be turned down after so many good responses from our interactions together.

She said she was sorry for allowing herself to do that, I don't hold any ill will towards her for it, I'm just kinda bummed and left with my expectations not quite all the way dashed.

Posts: 70 | From: Fullerton, CA, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think it can sometimes be tough to remember -- especially when our feelings are strong and we, ourselves, are in the space where we feel ready for a relationship -- that just because someone else may share our feelings doesn't mean they'll want to pursue them, for a whole bunch of reasons that may have nothing to do with us. But we do have to always try and bear that in mind: sounds like in your ardor and excitement, you just spaced that part out. It happens.

I think we also need to always remember that chances are, when we're dating, that we'll often strike out, as it were, more times than we hit a home run. (So sorry for baseball metaphors, they're really crap, but they're the best I've got today.) One part of assessing if we're ready for pursuing relationships is if we're also ready to find ourselves facing a lot of closed doors, and getting no just as much, if not more so, as yes.

I hear you in terms of how you're feeling, especially given that this was the first time you really took the initiative yourself. I'm sorry it didn't go as you would have liked it to go.

My best advice, all this given, is to maybe try and talk to her about how you're feeling about continuing a friendship, very honestly. I'd be plain that you feel conflicted and are worried that your motives might not be so kosher right now. I'd also suggest you might just need some space before you can decide if remaining friends is going to work for you: it's going to be hard to make that call with how you're feeling right now, I think.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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