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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I don't know...

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Author Topic: I don't know...
Member # 50999

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So, I'm a gay and I've known this for quite awhile now. I've grown up in a very GLBT accepting community, but I've never really had any relationships. I'm not "out", mostly because I think that it's not really many people's business who I'd like to have sex with. I have five supportive friends who I've told about my orientation and they have been very kind. One of my friends, the one I'm closest with, sometimes asks me about "coming out" and being more open with people about my sexuality, but I'm really resistant to the idea. I'm a very private person and it just doesn't seem like my style. I think if I was in a meaningful relationship, I wouldn't hide it from people I care about but that doesn't mean I want to explicitly tell all my family and friends I'm gay. Does that make me in denial or ashamed of myself? It just seems like it's more personal than that. I've only had sexual relations with two men and not for long periods of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm on the look out for other gay men because I wouldn't mind a relationship and I know my desire for privacy probably prevents me from meeting people. If someone asked me flat out if I was gay, I think I'd say yes, but it has never happened. I'm 18 and I just started college; isn't my sexuality my business and very few others?

Sorry, I know this is long and doesn't directly pose a question. Just some thoughts on the matter would be nice.

Posts: 1 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Not everyone wants to be as out as someone else, and not everyone wants to be out to as few people as someone else.

I don't hear you voicing anything that sounds like shame or denial to me. What I hear you saying is that you've told the people you have wanted to tell, and that, as a very private person in general, you don't feel comfortable being out to a very wide net. I think that's just fine: you seem to be in touch with what you're most comfortable with as an individual, and are acting in alignment with that, and that's what matters.

Your friend may need a gentle reminder that you aren't the same people, and what works for them and feels right for them may not for you, not because one of you is ashamed and the other isn't, but because, for you, the level to which you're out feels just right. A good friend should be supportive of that.

I don't think anyone needs to justify how few or how many people they're out to. I certainly think there are situations where not being out can be problematic and, unfortunately, situations where being out can be, but ultimately, this comes down to what any one given person wants, finds feels right for them, and can handle at a given time.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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