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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » been in a relationship for 5 years, just found out I'm bisexual...

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Author Topic: been in a relationship for 5 years, just found out I'm bisexual...
lsutigerlily
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Member # 43902

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I feel so messed up right now. I'm a (female) junior in college, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I realized about a month ago that I'm bisexual; I have a crush on a girl right now and it triggered memories of crushes on girls in middle/high school that I pushed to the back of my mind and ignored.

I've started questioning everything I ever thought I wanted. I don't know if I want to have the married life, 2.5 kids, white picket fence suburbs house thing anymore. But at the same time I don't want to break up with my boyfriend and end up making the wrong decision and ruin my life.

But I feel strange right now; I love him but I don't feel like being around him right now. I feel guilty and I also just want to hang out with the girl I like; I haven't felt attracted to anyone besides him in so long and this feels delicious. I know this is selfish but I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

I just need help right now.

Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think it's really important to recognize the difference between considering one's self and our own wants and needs and being selfish. I don't see anything selfish in your post.

Many queer/bisexual people have and are happy with long-term monogamous relationships with one partner, of whatever sex/gender. Being bisexual doesn't automatically mean we need to be with more than one partner, or always have partners of both/either/all genders.

At the same time, plenty of bisexual people (and those of other orientations, including straight people), don't want just one partner, don't want a monogamous relationship and/or want to explore having more partners before they make deeper commitments to one person.

You might also want to bear in mind that not all long-term relationships are monogamous/closed. That's one relationship model, but not the only one. For instance, if it's something you want and your boyfriend feels comfortable with, you two might consider opening up your relationship so that it isn't sexually or romantically exclusive.

That all said, what do YOU feel you want right now? I know it's tough to separate feelings in this way, but are you overall satisfied with the relationship you're in? This girl aside, especially given how young you were when you started dating your boyfriend, is this a relationship you have felt you want to move into a serious, long-term commitment like a marriage and family?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lsutigerlily
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That's the thing; I thought I knew what I wanted, I practically had my life planned out before this "realization." I thought I wanted to marry him. Now, I'm not sure. My future seems like a blank.

I know that:
If I break up with him, it will shock everyone, our friends and both our families (who are expecting us to get married, and want us to); it will hurt him very much, because he's crazy about me; I'm not even sure at this point if it's the right thing to do. However I am starting to look wistfully at the single life.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I know that orientation shifts and changes can be really hard, and I'm sorry that it's so hard on you. I frequently wish more people raised children and young people letting them know, in talks about life and relationships, that what we want is never set in stone, and that includes the gender of those we want to be in relationships with.

As well, it'd be pretty unlikely to earnestly know what we wanted for our whole lives in our early 20's. Sure, some people do, and for some that changes little, but I'd say that's the exception more than the rule.

I think you need to lead here with what feels right to you, thinking both about if you want to stay in a serious relationship, period (not just because of your feelings for this girl), or not. You can also think about, and talk with your partner about, what kinds of relationship models both of you might be open to. A flat-out breakup certainly is one option, but it's only one, so if you feel like it's either stay or go, and those are your only choices, and you don't like either, know they are NOT your only choices.

I'd also try very hard to put how others will react aside. They're not in this relationship, the two of you are. This is more about your lives than anyone elses. This is about you and secondarily, about your partner. I'd keep your thinking on this about those two people only.

Do you want some help thinking all of this through, like some questions to ask yourself or talk about together? If so, I'd be happy to write some out for you.

You might also want to take a look at this piece about two people who had sexual orientation shifts, and how they've dealt with that: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/08/31/building_bridges_sexual_orientation_shifts

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lucidkitty
Activist
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You have to do what feels right to YOU and not worry about what other people feel about you. And heather is right, you can always think about other relationship models. While not the social norm, some people do engage in open relationships happily. In the end....go with your heart....you don't want to hurt your bf of course, but you also don't want to look back in regret either.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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