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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » They all want a GBFF, but an LBFF... not so much!

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Author Topic: They all want a GBFF, but an LBFF... not so much!
Magpie018
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This is a very long post, but I've tried to keep it to necessary info and I would appreciate help!So--I am a thirteen-year-old girl. I've never been in any sort of relationship, but I have come to terms with the idea that I will never really like boys. I've told my Mom that I think I'm a lesbian, but no one else. I'm not really hiding it from my Dad, and I know he would accept it, but I'm not as comfortable talking about it with him yet. Anyway--here's my issue. My friends are all pro-gay rights, but as I heard someone say once, "they are accepting from afar". Most of them have family friends who are gay, but I've never heard any of them even mention knowing a lesbian. Once, one of my friends said that if another friend turned out to be a lesbian, that she would never have a sleepover with them again and all that s**t. They're always talking about boys, and they're always asking me who I have a crush on, who I would date if I had to choose a guy at school, what hunky celebrity I'm obsessed with, etc, etc, etc. When I lie and give them an answer, I feel like I'm betraying myself. I don't want to come out to them (it would cause more problems than good and I don't see the point), but I just don't how much longer I can avoid their questions and keep it a secret. Does anyone have advice?
Posts: 10 | From: Canadaland | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dexher
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I've never really been in this situation, but I think I might understand.

You don't have to choose between lying and coming out. You don't have to answer your friend's questions, in fact. If someone asks you which guy you'd rather date, then it is perfectly fine to say that you'd rather not date any of them or that you don't feel comfortable answering. If they're your friends, then they should respect your desire to not share some things.

If they insist on an answer, as is not unlikely, you may attempt to redirect the question.
Friend: "Aw, cmon! There's gotta be someone you have a crush on!"
You: "Well, who's your crush??"
Like that. I'm not too sure how that might work in practice, but you might like to keep it in mind.

I hope this helps you!

Posts: 10 | From: Alabama | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Magpie018
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Thank you for the advice! I just don't know how well it will work in practice (they won't usually accept "I don't want to answer that"!) but I can't think of anything else either. If you're GLBT too, how did you come out to your friends? It's okay if you don't want to share, though.
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Magpie018
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Is your username a reference to the TV show Dexter? I love Dexter [Smile]
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Dexher
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I happen to identify as bisexual. I haven't really had a large-scale coming out, per se. But, I do recall one moment when I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends, and someone asked the group, "Who would you go outside of your orientation for?". I asked how I was supposed to participate, since I'm bi.

The general reaction was something along the lines of, "Oh, you're bi? I didn't know that. Neat. Ooh, I would probably go gay for..." It wasn't a big deal.

(off topic: no, when making this username, I was thinking more along the lines of Dexter's Laboratory. [Smile] )

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Magpie018
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Sounds like you have very cool friends.
Posts: 10 | From: Canadaland | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
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You know, I don't think there's any reason you can't decline to give an answer.

I am straight, and I've never been one to enjoy drool sessions over celebrties/guys I know. I don't necessarily think you have to choose to either lie or come out.

You could say something like "There's not really any guys at school that I'm that into" or "I dunno, I think they both look pretty good" and leave it at that.

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Magpie018
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Thank you. I usually just tell them that I don't like anyone right now, but then they refuse to just let it go (but if you HAD to choose a guy at school, blah, blah, blah). I guess you're right though. I mean, there's no way to avoid being asked the questions, so I have to give them some kind of answer. Luckily for me, I don't think they would automatically accuse me of being a "lezbo" if I said I didn't like anyone, because I actually used to be kind of "boy-crazy". I don't think I'm bisexual though, I think I was just trying to make myself like guys because everyone else did.
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Heather
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Might you be up to an answer like, "You know, I'm not sure right now IF I like any guys at all?" Maybe not to all your friends, but to one or two you feel you trust most and expect would be supportive? If you fill them in, they might be able to help get others to back down with the questions indirectly.

Of course, we all also always have the option of choosing friends who we can be ourselves with. Sometimes, as we grow out of childhood and into adulthood, friends that were a good fit before don't stay a good fit, and we may need to change or expand our social circles to better fit the person we're becoming. That can happen for a bunch of reasons, not just because of our sexual orientation.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Magpie018
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I don't think getting new friends is a very good option for me. I have a very tight knit group at school that I spend most of my time with, and compared to the rest of the kids at my school they're very accepting. If I were to come out to any of them, I know who it would be. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. Heather--I just want to say thank you for starting this site so that people like me who can't confide in their "real" friends can actually get advice.
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Heather
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Okay, just thought I'd put it out there.

And you're so welcome! I hope in time things change for you so you can talk to at least someone honestly in your real life, but in the meantime, I'm glad we can be here for you. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Trumpet Master
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Your situation sounds just like mine last year (well, except for the parents thing, don't think that is going to happen for a while unfoutunately....). But it may be helpful for you to hear how I dealt with it. First I tried to go all boycrazy to throw them off , though now I kindof think it was me being in denial about being a lesbian. But then I came to terms with it and like you, ouldnt take all the questions about boys and such. So one day they were asking me questions like ,"Do you think so&so is hot?" and I just looked at them and said ,"I don't really have an opinion about that scince, you know, I am a lesbian". Now that I look back on it the look in thief faces were priceless but then I was TERRIFIED. Then they were all like ,"Really? Wow?", and ,"How can you not like boys?". They asked me questions like that until we had to go. They were all okay with it, but the gay jokes were kinda annoying but I fold them that and they stopped. I did have one friend though, that didn't like that at all. She said to never talk to her again and leave her alone, along with some hurtful words. But I realized that if she didn't like who I was and didn't want me to talk to her that was fine with me because I didn't want to talk to her either.
Well I don't know if that was helpful or not, but I just thought that if you saw what I did mabey you would know that you arnt the only one going though this. And yes, you will find a way to make it better. LOL I will stop talking now. And end this ridiculously long post.... Right...... Here.

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I say you love who you love. Lust over who you lust over. And are happy with who you are happy with. Everything inbetween doesn't matter!!!

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Magpie018
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I'm not even sure my friends would even believe me if I just suddently said that I was a lesbian LOL (Like I said, I used to have crushes on guys a lot, and, as embarassing as it is to say this, even online, I was once a proud member of team Edward). My friends aren't homophobic, but once I convinced them that I wasn't attracted to guys, they sure as hell wouldn't have sleepovers with me anymore! I wish I had friends like yours, but at least I have accepting parents.
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Trumpet Master
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Yeah I envy you for accepting parents. But I am sure your situation with your friends will work out somehow. Everything I have that could help you someone else has said, so I hope it all works out for you!

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I say you love who you love. Lust over who you lust over. And are happy with who you are happy with. Everything inbetween doesn't matter!!!

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Magpie018
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Thank you for the all the advice! Our situations seem very similar, so maybe I'll just solve mine the way you solved yours...
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Trumpet Master
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XD I am glad I have helped!

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I say you love who you love. Lust over who you lust over. And are happy with who you are happy with. Everything inbetween doesn't matter!!!

Posts: 29 | From: United States of America | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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