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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Jealousy

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Author Topic: Jealousy
MickyDomino
Activist
Member # 45984

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Hello, I yet again have a problem. You see this is the first time I have ever been in love. As you know I have boyfriend, and we have been going great so far. Now, his ex-girlfriend is trying take him away and I am getting super jealous and I have no idea what to do. I have never been jealous before and it's something that makes me really mad. He says I have nouthing to worry about but I dont know.

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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CJT
Assistant Director
Member # 40442

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Can you say a bit more about what you mean when you say that his ex is trying to take him away? I just want to try to get what's going on a bit more in this situation so we can talk about it some more.

What have the conversations you've had with your boyfriend about this been like? It seems like he's saying everything is fine, but does he know specifically what's been upsetting to you?

I think lots of people experience jealousy, and it can be hard...knowing that your partner is into you and protective of you can be really awesome, but then sometimes it doesn't feel that good in other cases. It's up to you and your partner to talk specifically about what each of you wants, and what feels OK in your relationship for each of you. Try to be patient with yourself along the way, though--as much as we can get frustrated with ourselves for how we're feeling, that doesn't make the "bad" feeling go away...and then we're mad at ourselves, to boot!

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lovinglife
Neophyte
Member # 43743

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Sweetie, when guys say you have nothing to worry about , you really do.He wants you to sit back and not worry because he wants to make a move. When you think that he isn't checking her, it gives him more time to do so. Tell him it worries you and you don't appreciate her around him.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, lovinglife? We're really not okay with gender stereotyping here at the site or as an organization. There is no one way all men behave, and suggesting because someone is a given gender that a person shouldn't take their words at face value isn't fair. You can't know what Micky's boyfriend meant, or that he wasn't sincere, especially since you don't even know him.

As well, we try and encourage our users here to create healthy relationships, which includes not issuing ultimatiums or trying to isolate them from others in any way. That also includes building trust, not second-guessing people. In the case anyone's partner isn't someone they feel they can trust to honor an exclusivity agreement, what we'd suggest is that they wait to make any such agreements with them until they have built that trust.

[ 04-29-2010, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MickyDomino
Activist
Member # 45984

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Thanks Heather. I told him about it today again, and he looked me very seriously in the face, kissed me and said he swore I had nothing to worry about. So I think we are okay, its not that I don't trust, I just think I am a generally jealous person. And thanks again for sticking up for me and him.

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Of course.

One thing you might want to think about is that IMO, there is no such thing as a "jealous" person. Jealousy is a way of thinking and a behaviour, and it's not like any of us are born jealous, since it's a reactive behavior. It's something we learn, something that can also be UNlearned, unpacked and discarded.

Jealousy stems from insecurity and fear, so if and when people work to ditch or decrease insecurity and get to the source of their fears and work on those, jealousy tends to be part of what gets dismantled.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MickyDomino
Activist
Member # 45984

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Thanks again Heather, you're the best!

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Harvey Milk is my hero.

Posts: 63 | From: NC | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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