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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Ugh. Sex.

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Author Topic: Ugh. Sex.
La2010
Neophyte
Member # 46684

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Lovely web page, I'm a new user but have been lurking for awhile.

I have a question in relation to sex within a relationship. I have been in a relationship with a female for 3 years. We started having sex about a year and a half into the relationship. Without getting into too much detail, we've experimented and done different things sexually. The problem is, she does not enjoy giving oral sex, even though that is one of the only sexual activities I enjoy. I do not enjoy penetration of any kind, and although we can do other things (such as grinding) we are limited. On occasion she will give me oral sex, but I stop her because she told me she does not enjoy it and I do not want her to do something she does not enjoy. At this point in time, I am the one giving oral sex and penetration with toys and fingers but I'm not getting much in return due to her lack of interest in what I enjoy. Suggestions or advice?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask how the rest of the relationship is going? Do you two connect well in other ways, and share similar wants and needs outside of sex?

is it possible that you two are just so different in what you like and need sexually that a sexual relationship between the two of you might not be the best fit? Have you talked about that possibility together?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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La2010
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Member # 46684

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The relationship we've had in very fulfilling and I wouldn't trade it in. We share many of the same goals, wants, and morals. Sex for me is more than just the orgasm, I enjoy being close with her and I trust her. I like having sex with her, even if she is not reciprocating.

BUT, it is beginning to wear on me a bit. I am not going to pressure her to have oral sex, but given my lack of interest in other forms of sex, it narrows down my options greatly.

I've talked with her about this, she recommends experimenting with other forms of sex (penetration). Unfortunately I'm well aware that I won't enjoy the experience.

I don't know if I should talk more with her about it, or leave it alone. I would hate for her to feel as though sex could make or break the relationship. Or that if she didn't do oral sex then we could break up.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I agree that pressuring her to try something she doesn't like (be that now or period) isn't an answer, and also that you doing things you know you don't isn't, either.

So, how about trying to talk about this together with the understanding that both of you currently have things each of you wants, but doesn't like, and the understanding neither should be doing anything you both don't like? If you start there, what are the things you both DO like and enjoy together sexually? Perhaps even make a list, then look at it, and both talk about if that list of places/ways you DO connect sexually is enough for each of you.

Sex can make or break a relationship, just FYI, when people just aren't sexually compatible, and we're not going to be a good sexual match with everyone we may be great with in other respects. (Just like sometimes we'll find we're a great sexual match with someone, but aren't so great at being friends, or that our life goals or lifestyles or communication styles don't mesh.) I don't see that a separation or change of relationship model due to sex, if and when that happens, is any more or less valid or important than the same for other kinds of incompatibility, you know?

But can you try having the kind of conversation I suggested, and doing so, again, making clear NO ONE should do anything they don't want to or don't like?

[ 04-15-2010, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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La2010
Neophyte
Member # 46684

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I will make a list with her and see where it takes us. This would be simple if I did not love her. I would like to handle this now, in more of a clinical manner, rather than 5 years from now, in an irritated, sexually frustrated manner.

Communication and consideration of sexual wants/needs as well as emotional feelings is key. Thanks for the outside insight, makes it easier to digest and fully understand.

PS- Saw the post on Amazon about your book, I hope the issue gets resolved. Thanks for putting positive/helpful information out there for the LGBT community, especially youth. [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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The Amazon issue has since been resolved, but thanks for asking. [Smile]

And I hear you on all of this. I also agree that working on/through this now rather than later is wise.

In making that list, does one of you have a good, general book on sex that includes sexual activities? If not, it might be helpful to have to thumb through. If you're both considering a very wide array of activities, including things you may not even have thought of, it could well be that you have more arenas of possible sexual connection than you think.

If you don't have any such books, I'd be happy to make some suggestions.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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La2010
Neophyte
Member # 46684

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I have one book, but it only deals with safe sex when having oral sex with a female. Nothing new.
A new book could be really helpful, we may have glossed over something we did not know about.

I'm up for suggestions.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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My book actually has a whole chapter of sexual activities, what they are, etc. in it. For a general sex guide that's pretty much just about sex and pleasure, the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex is my all-time favorite (and the two women who wrote it were also my first mentors coming into sexuality work). Like my book, it's totally inclusive and very in-depth.

Felice Newman's The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us is another goodie, as is the On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex by Diana Cage. I just noticed the other day Seal Press has a new one out (haven't seen it yet, but it looks promising), Sexual Intimacy for Women
A Guide for Same-Sex Couples, by Glenda Corwin, PhD.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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La2010
Neophyte
Member # 46684

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Thanks, I'll check em out!
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Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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Heather, I heart u! I saw your advice on the Lesbian sex book, and I put it on my wish list! Thank you so much! I love you!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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