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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I just told my bf I'm bisexual. Can he still take me seriously?

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Author Topic: I just told my bf I'm bisexual. Can he still take me seriously?
thedailyextra
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I recently decided to tell my boyfriend that I am bisexual. He is the first person I have ever told. He took it really well, and said that he loves me and still takes me seriously. I'm just worried that I've ruined our relationship. I know I want to marry him someday, but I'm worried he would never want to be with someone who isn't completely straight. The thought that I may have sabotaged the best relationship I've ever had is tearing me apart. I can't stop crying and thinking about how happy we could have been if I had just kept my mouth shut. I told him because I want him to know all of me, but I think I destroyed it.
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Heather
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He's going to have a hard time finding someone who's completely straight, honestly. The vast majority of people in the world are not 100% heterosexual or homosexual, but somewhere in between, even if they don't identify as bisexual.

Why do you think you destroyed anything? You were honest about who you know yourself to be, and he seems to have accepted that very well.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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I'm just worried that once he really thinks about what I told him, he's going to change his mind. Also, I feel different. I still love him, but I'm so worried about our relationship that I can't stop crying.
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alyssalynn
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I was going to make the point that Heather made. I've never had sex with a girl, but I am very attracted and curious about them. I know I am not totally hetero or homosexual. Knowing that is usually the first step to being comfortable with yourself and sexuality. Maybe you should explain your worries to him.

I have a feeling you may be worried that he will think he is not enough for you because of your bisexuality, is that it?

I understand the anxiety over it, it does suck. All you can do is talk to him, though. He should appreciate your openness to him.

Hey, it might even turn him on!
Good luck,
alyssalynn.

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no day but today

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Heather
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Want to talk about how YOU feel different?

Here's my basic take on this: anyone who is thinking or talking about a serious relationship, particularly one they may create binding legal and social contracts in at some time, needs to make being honest about who they are priority one.

We just can't have truly intimate, close relationships if we're hiding or being dishonest about ourselves in any way.

So, even if it does turn out he's not okay with this in the long run (and who knows, though right now it appears he's just fine), then that would just mean you two weren't such a great fit after all. Because if we can't be ourselves in close partnerships, what those relationships can offer both of us is just going to be extraordinarily limited.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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Thank you for your help. I think maybe it is me. It's only been a day since I told him and the shock of actually admitting I'm not all hetero is still there. I'm hoping that talking to my friends and telling them about me will at least give me some kind of support system.
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Heather
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So, is it possible that some of what you're feeling isn't so much about coming out to him, but about coming out period?

If so, please know that's pretty common. For some people, coming out the first time can be really scary and also really shake them up, especially if you're still getting comfortable with being gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Do you want to talk some of that out? If so, we're glad to talk with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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Ok, here is a problem I've been trying to figure out. I came out to my boyfriend because I love him and possibly might want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've already decided to tell my friends. Is it worth telling my family since I have a boyfriend? I'm very close with my family, but we all tend to be homophobic and very conservative. Is it worth putting them through the pain of knowing when it may never be an issue? I know that if my relationship ever ended, I would tell my family, but right now it just seems hurtful.
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Heather
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How about you tell me a little bit more about what identifying as bisexual means to you, and also what you want to get out of coming out to others.

Are you dating anyone of the same sex or gender? Have you ever? Have you felt, for yourself, for quite some time strong feelings that you do have emotional and sexual attraction to people of all genders? Is this something that does feel very intrinsic to you, like part of who you are? How comfortable do you feel with your bisexuality at this point, all by yourself?

It's also often worth asking what you feel up to right now: what benefits would coming out to family, especially homophobic family, offer you right now? What negative things could happen? Do you feel up to handling strong negative reactions right now? is there a reason you feel like you need to come out to a lot of people kind of all at once right now, rather than starting with your boyfriend, sitting with that for a few weeks or months, then coming out to others more gradually?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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For me, I don't even know if bisexual is the right thing to say. I've never been with a woman. But I like the way women look, I think they're very beautiful and attractive. However, being with my boyfriend and my past boyfriends has been fulfilling. All my boyfriend has to do is touch my arm and I get aroused. I find men handsome, manly and attractive. I have never met a woman I want to be in a relationship with, but I have had crushes on some. I am not very comfortable with my sexuality, I guess.

I plan on telling one or two friends because I know they are open-minded. I just need someone I can talk to besides my boyfriend.

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Heather
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Might it help to talk some more about what we mean when we talk about any given orientation?

To be clear, finding someone aesthetically beautiful or interesting isn't really about orientation. Lots of straight people, for instance, find people of the same-sex aesthetically appealing or beautiful, but that doesn't mean they have any sexual or romantic interest in those people.

Do you feel like you have a strong interest in sexual or romantic relationships with other women? The crushes you have had: if that other person had sexual or romantic interest in you, setting aside any worries about discovery or about being out, do you think you would have then wanted to pursue a sexual/romantic relationship with them?

No one has to have dated someone to have a good sense of what their orientation is: I was asking that more to try and get a feel for why you want to come out right now, especially to family you expect will not be supportive. Often, in that kind of situation, coming out only feels like something we need to do because we are actively dating those of the same-sex or gender. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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I don't know why I told my boyfriend at this point. There have been a few big changes in my life, like living alone for the first time. The other day I was sitting in class, and I could barely keep back the tears because I knew I had to tell him. I've never been so emotional in my life. I would be open to a relationship with a woman though. I'm beginning to think it was a little premature even telling my boyfriend. I told him because I've kept things inside before, like jealousy of a specific girl, and it came out when I was drunk. I didn't want that to happen with this.
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Heather
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Okay, so here's what it sounds like to me:

If you're feeling like even telling your boyfriend was premature, and that's left you feeling thrown for a loop, my advice would be to just sit with this for a while longer before coming out to anyone else. Clearly, telling the person you expected to be the most supportive, and who was even great about it, has been tough for you, and you have feelings around this you need to work through so you can feel stable and recentered.

Telling anyone else when you feel like this right now seems more likely to me to make things tougher on you than to make you feel better.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thedailyextra
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thank you, all of this has really helped. more than you can know. I'm still confused and sad, but at least I have something to go on.
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Heather
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You're more than welcome, and I'm around if you want to talk about it some more now or later. And if it helps to know, I've been and known I was bisexual for coming on around 30 years, so I get it. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jill2000Plus
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I've known I was bi since I was 12-13 and my partner knows and they've been really supportive of me, they get that it doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on them, just like I'm not going to cheat on them with other individuals of the same gender as they are, they understand it's just who I can fall in love with and that right now I'm in love with them. You deserve a partner who understands those things, and it sounds like you might have that right now, I hope so. Take care of yourself and don't feel like you have to come out when you're not ready, take as much time as you need, particularly since you found it difficult coming out even to someone who was very supportive.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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