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Author Topic: pursuit of orgasm ..
nelesmile
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I'm a 21 year old lesbian. I'm out since forever, had my first "girlfriend" at the age of seven (even though she thought I was a boy - I knew what I wanted). I usually don't have problems with my sexuality or sexual orientation at all, I have slept with a lot of girls (and boys, even though I still consider myself a lesbien) and I have always known what I wanted.
But now is the first time I really fell in love with a girl, we're in a great (long distance and two languages - France and Germany) relationship.

And this is about the sex. I love it and we're slowly getting to know each other. But since I love her this is the first time I worry about not coming. I never came with anybody else than my proper hands and even though I love sex and I'm always really aroused - I just don't get close to coming at all.

I guess the only answer is to talk about this with my girlfriend and to be patient. I do talk about this to her, but she is more insecure than me and is already worried about not being able to satisfy me. I keep telling her to wait and that I love the sex anyway, but to be honest it still worries me.

Any suggestions, comfort me, your experiences??
Thanks!!

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Heather
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It's so, so important for everyone to unpack the idea that orgasm = satisfaction.

Because it often doesn't, and at the very least, doesn't always. Just because someone reaches orgasm doesn't mean they feel satisfied, and just because someone doesn't reach orgasm doesn't mean they don't feel satisfied. So, my very best advice would be to talk about that together first as a good starting place.

That also opens the door for you to talk about hat you do like and feel satisfied with, so she can feel better, but you can also communicate more about sex, period. More communication and deeper communication = more likely to BOTH feel staisfied AND reach orgasm in time.

One other thing to consider is that if you can bring yourself to orgasm, that that's something you can include her in and do with her. That's not only a common part of sex sometimes for many couples, it's also often very educational for partners. They can watch and learn that way.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nelesmile
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Hey,

thanks for your answer!
The problem isn't that she's not "doing it right". I tell her what I want and this works just fine, she does the same things I'd do to myself as well.
It's rather that, even when I'm alone, coming without porn is hard work. And with someone else I just can't seem to concentrate enough.
Well, I guess I'll just have to be patient and talk and try [Smile]

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Heather
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You didn't mention pornography as an issue before. Have you tried making some shifts with your own masturbation so that you use the porn less often?

For some people, heavy use of porn CAN create issues in sexual relationships when it comes to sexual response. You may or many not be one of those people, but it might be something to think about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nelesmile
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I have thought about stopping to watch porn at all, too. But even when I was way younger and not watching porn at all, I barely managed to come from just my hands. I had to either use another way to stimulate myself or, later on, watch porn.

I guess I should try it anyway. I stopped smoking for the new year, why not stop watching porn as well [Smile]

Do you know of any articles, studies, books, anything that treat the question of how watching porn changes ones sexuality? How would an addiction to porn harm someone?

Thanks!

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Heather
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"Addiction" is not language that I'd use. That term is really supposed to be about chemical addictions: porn or sex cannot be chemically addictive.

Someone may be compulsive about something like porn, but even that doesn't appear to be what you're expressing.

In your case, what may just be possible is that you've gotten so in the habit of using porn so often that it's tough for you to develop other habits or patterns with sex or masturbation that don't involve it. That can also happen with other things -- like, let's say someone only masturbates ever using this one vibrator a certain way: that can habituate their sexual response so it's tough for them to enjoy or respond to other kinds of stimulus.

There has been no study done that has shown porn impacts everyone in the same ways, just like we can't say sex or masturbation does. As well, most of the studies done on this have been only or centrally about men and porn, and a lot of these pieces are done with strong bias one way or another. So, the good stuff on this is tough to find.

This piece is for gay men, but it touches on the basics: http://gaylife.about.com/od/cheatingjealousy/qt/pornaddict.htm

Here's another (not great, but okay): http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/the_porn_factor_in_the_01a.html

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nelesmile
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I'm starting to really feel upset about this. I haven't met my girlfriend since I wrote this since we live in two different countries but we both see each other through skype.
This is actually hard to explain and I feel a bit weird about it. She really likes to turn me on and she does it via webcam as well, touching herself while naked. And it really does turn me on, more than anything and way more than porn does - but I still don't manage to come.
I have to admit that I do feel pressured to come because I realize how much she'd want to make me come.
I haven't yet mentioned that she herself didn't ever have an orgasm. She doesn't masturbate so this wasn't surprising for me. This isn't as much an issue for me as the fact that I can't come because I'm quite confident that she (and I) will get to know herself with time.
But I'm thinking that maybe the fact that she doesn't masturbate and has never had an orgasm leads to me being a bit embarassed or rather blocked. I think I feel like she wants to see me come out of curiosity. She actually mentions curiosity quite often, it took her a long time to admit (or maybe she really didn't feel like this before) that she actually desired sex. She still never directly tells me that's she's excited but this might just be the language barrier since we talk in french and my native language is german. She rather tells me that she'd like to have sex instead of telling me she's horny or wet - which in the end is maybe the same (or even "more"), but somehow it does make a difference to me. I'd like to know why.
I just begin to feel a bit desperate on top of really really missing her.
The sex is pretty much in my hands since she's very inexperienced and shy and this is pressuring me. I'm not that experienced myself after all, I've slept with a lot of women but never had a long time realationship ..I feel like maybe she expects too much from me.
We do talk about sex quite often but I realize that these things I'm telling you here are about my own insecurities (not hers for once) - and that's a topic I don't often talk to her about. I don't want her to be disappointed.

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Heather
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I really, really think that all you are saying here you need to be saying to her.

Can you give that a try?

It's so important that we always remember how critical communication -- real, open, honest communication, including about the things we feel unsure about, or which aren't sexy -- is crucial to a healthy sexual relationship.

Am I understanding this has only been an online relationship? Your last post makes it sound like it is, but your other posts didn't suggest that. If this is an online-only relationship, I also think that when things are this hard in a relationship that has only existed online, it is also time to think about if this relationship is a really good fit for you. Not being able to address this in person, to talk in person, or even know if you have any sexual chemistry at all in person are all a lot of barriers, especially with big problems or issues like these.

[ 01-26-2010, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nelesmile
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No, it's not online only. I met her when I was in France, we're together since 4 1/2 months and have seen each other every 3 weeks for 10 days or more. It's only this time that we don't see each other for this long because of University.

I guess I will give it a try when we see each other again. Thanks [Smile]

edit: Can I ask why you call this a big issue here while usually you tell people that an orgasm really isn't that important for sex? What's the big issue in our case?

[ 01-27-2010, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: nelesmile ]

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Heather
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I say it's a big issue because it seems that it is a big issue for YOU. In other words, you appear very worried and distressed about this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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