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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Just confused

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Author Topic: Just confused
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

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Hi there! I know that I need to figure this out for myself, but I just need to vent. If yo uahve anything to say at all, PLEASE let me know.

I am a female and have a girlfriend whom I have been with for about a year and a half now. I love her to death, there is no question abou that. She is my first girlfriend. We are always there for each other and support each other 100% no matter what, and I could not ask for anything more.

Before her I was with my ex boyfriend. We were together for 4 years. I do not think I have completely gotten over him, because sometimes I think about what would my life be like if I stayed with him. (He does not know by the way that I am dating a girl). My ex boyfriend did that, but only at his convenience. If he had to he would deal with me. My thoughts are that I am not over him because my parents will approve of him more obviously because he is a boy. I told my parents that I liked girls and they were very angry. They do not know I have a girlfriend. I am sneaking around behind their back and lying to cover up my secret.

I have a feeling that I am just fed up with being this sneaky, lying person and want to be myself. I am thinking about my ex boyfriend a lot because my family will approve of him. I know that when I do come out to everyone in my family they will not talk to me anymore because they "disagree' with my choices.

Should I stay with my girlfriend or go back to my boyfriend?

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think with things like this, it's best not to do an either/or like you are, seeing your choices as between partners, rather than seeing a bigger pictures.

In other words, rather than seeing this as a which-BF/GF-do-you-be-with, how about seeing your other, likely sounder choices? If you're having issues with your current relationship, or with how things are in terms of your ability to be honest about that, dating someone else doesn't address those things. It abandons them, but they're still unresolved. And skipping form one relationship right into another like you seem to be proposing is not likely to leave you with a healthy relationship.

It also sounds like your current relationship IS a good one for you, but that not being able to be out and have parental approval is the real issue here.

In other words, this isn't about a problem with you and your girlfriend, nor is it about you and your ex: it's about you and your parents. So, the sound way to address this situation is to start there and see if you can't figure out some steps to start taking to work things out with THEM. Just trying to choose a partner they like isn't a sound approach, especially since they're not the ones dating that person: you are.


Since you and your girlfriend are so close and the relationship is so good, have you talked about all of this honestly with her? If not, that's another smart, healthy first step, and one which also treats her with care and respect, rather than ditching her for someone else simply because a different person's gender would meet with more approval.

I don't think I probably need to tell you about how hurtful that would feel were you in her position, and how that is not a loving action. You say you love her a lot, and I'd encourage you to treat her with love and care. If you feel you have gotten to the point where you just can't handle being with her without being out, to the point you are going to break up with her, at the very least, do both of you a kindness and choose to do that without running into another relationship.

[ 01-01-2010, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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