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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » My fiancee told me he's bisexual...Help!

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Author Topic: My fiancee told me he's bisexual...Help!
Rose17
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So, I have been with my fiancee for 4 and a half years, and i love him so much, we share absolutely everything. Apart from the other day he got drunk and told my best friend that he is bisexual.

I was really hurt that he had never mentioned it before. However his excuse was that he had made his choice to be with me for the rest of his life and so he didn't think it was an issue.
He says that he doesn't fancy any men or women because he's in love with me, but I know that i fancy people, e.g movie stars or singers, so he must have those type of people that he is attracted to as well.

I don't want to feel upset, and I know that i have to get over this initial shock because i love him too much to let it get in the way, but i just cant sleep, or eat, because i have this fear that one day we will be married with children, and he will decide that he has been missing something in his life. He told me that he has never done anything physical with a man, but he has 'dated' a few when he was younger.

He says that it's the same as if he was straight, that he isn't interested in being with any other women, but he has had relationships with women, so being with a man for him is the unknown.
I am just scared that he won't want it to be the unknown one day.

If anyone can give me some advise i would be so grateful, i don't want to feel upset anymore.

Thank you.

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Heather
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Can you recognize that even heterosexual people may decide they're missing something in their love lives?

In other words, let's say that, instead, he was straight. So, what if a few years or decades from now he felt that he missed out on dating someone who was just a very different person than the person you are, even though that person was the same gender as you? Unless he's dated every woman on the planet, loads of women are "the unknown" to him. It's not like a handful of women somehow represents the whole of our gender.

And the same may well happen with you, again, regardless of your orientation. Someone being an orientation that includes us (which his is for you, regardless) doesn't create any kind of guarantee that we will be with that person, or in a certain kind of relationship with them, for our whole lives. It also doesn't guarantee that just because we meet a criteria of gender, we'll always meet all other wants and needs.

Have you been able to talk more about your feelings per his not telling you until now? I can see how any nondisclosure as big as this would be upsetting: have you suggested he consider how he might have felt if you'd done something similar?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rose17
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He has apologised many times for not telling me about this before, but as he said, he had decided that he wanted to be with me, more than any other man or woman. Which i can understand, but i am still very upset that he started to tell people, but not me!

He said that if i had asked him at any point in our relationship if he was attracted to men then he would have been honest with me, but why would i ask him? I was 16 when we got together, so i was just begining to understand boys, let alone ask about their orientation!

I understand what you are saying about the connection to the potential of him wanting to be with other women being equal to another man. However, i still feel as if the 'unknown' for someone that has never been with a guy is the intimacy and sex that is completely different to being with a woman, this is what i don't want him to feel he has missed out on, and ultimately will want to do it in the future.

I haven't asked him how he would feel if i had said the same to him yet, but i know him very well, and his whole attitude to life is very laid back. And whereas i try to be the same, and i was when we first met, i feel as if over the years i have become very dependent on him.

I love him, and i enjoy being dependent on him, as he is with me, but i feel that i am in deeper than he is. Such as to the fact that i would have told him something like this upfront, whereas he didn't see a need to tell me.

I don't want secrets from us, and we both agreed that we have never met anyone like each other, and never been in love before we met each other.

We are so similar, and everyone says that it's almost weird how perfect we are for each other, I don't need to speak or think anything before he has already said it for me, but now i feel as if this is a wedge between us. I don't have the same issue as another girl who has posted on here, as i want to be close with him all the time. It makes me feel better when he hugs and kisses me, as i need the reassurance.

I do not really feel better about the situation, but i feel as if i should do, and should be getting on with things.

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Heather
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quote:
However, i still feel as if the 'unknown' for someone that has never been with a guy is the intimacy and sex that is completely different to being with a woman, this is what i don't want him to feel he has missed out on, and ultimately will want to do it in the future.
Well, I certainly can't speak for him, but I can say that for myself as a lifelong bisexual person, being with someone male or someone female just isn't different in the way I think you're thinking. It's not this totally different universe. It's different, to be sure, but in my experience it is the kind of different like it is between two people of the same gender who are very different people.

Given the conversations you've had, it does sound like his omission was simply because it just didn't feel relevant to him. I understand that obviously, you disagree, but can also get that his perception was different.

You say you were only 16 when you got together: how old was he? Is he your first partner?

You also talk about feeling too dependent, which may be a big part of the issue here, and may be something you want to work on remedying for your own well-being and that of the relationship, regardless.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rose17
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He was 23 when we got together, and yes he was my first serious and sexual partner, and my only sexual partner. Which I think may have something to do with it. I do not feel the need to go off and sleep with anybody else, but my fiancee used to cheat on a lot of his girlfriends. I know it was almost 5 years ago now, and he hasn't cheated on me, and i couldn't see a reason why he would cheat on me.

But now, i feel there could be. Two of the guys he works with are gay and bi. And the bi one has aparantly slept with a lot of guys that have worked at the company before.

He doesn't seem like my fiancee's 'type', not that i even know what that is in a man, but i am worried with the working environment, and the amount they go out for drinks after work that something could develop.

I did as you said, and asked how he would feel if it was the other round, and as i predicted he said that it wouldn't bother him in the slightest.

I feel perhaps as if i should just repress these feelings, but i know that isn't healthy either.

How do you suggest being less dependent on him? I definitely think i should work on this, but we recently moved in together, and i feel happy to be doing things such as food shopping and things for us, rather than just myself. He finished work late some times, and i find myself doing things for him, because i want to, but also because it makes me feel closer to him.

when i go out with friends, most of the time i wish i was with him, or could talk to him, and i am happy to be so in love, and he txts me saying he misses me and loves me when we are apart, but i want to be able to enjoy myself more, and be able to miss him when i'm not with him.

Any ideas are appreciated!

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Rose17
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He was 23 when we got together, and yes he was my first serious and sexual partner, and my only sexual partner. Which I think may have something to do with it. I do not feel the need to go off and sleep with anybody else, but my fiancee used to cheat on a lot of his girlfriends. I know it was almost 5 years ago now, and he hasn't cheated on me, and i couldn't see a reason why he would cheat on me.

But now, i feel there could be. Two of the guys he works with are gay and bi. And the bi one has aparantly slept with a lot of guys that have worked at the company before.

He doesn't seem like my fiancee's 'type', not that i even know what that is in a man, but i am worried with the working environment, and the amount they go out for drinks after work that something could develop.

I did as you said, and asked how he would feel if it was the other round, and as i predicted he said that it wouldn't bother him in the slightest.

I feel perhaps as if i should just repress these feelings, but i know that isn't healthy either.

How do you suggest being less dependent on him? I definitely think i should work on this, but we recently moved in together, and i feel happy to be doing things such as food shopping and things for us, rather than just myself. He finished work late some times, and i find myself doing things for him, because i want to, but also because it makes me feel closer to him.

when i go out with friends, most of the time i wish i was with him, or could talk to him, and i am happy to be so in love, and he txts me saying he misses me and loves me when we are apart, but i want to be able to enjoy myself more, and be able to miss him when i'm not with him.

Any ideas are appreciated!

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Rose17
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He was 23 when we got together, and yes he was my first serious and sexual partner, and my only sexual partner. Which I think may have something to do with it. I do not feel the need to go off and sleep with anybody else, but my fiancee used to cheat on a lot of his girlfriends. I know it was almost 5 years ago now, and he hasn't cheated on me, and i couldn't see a reason why he would cheat on me.

But now, i feel there could be. Two of the guys he works with are gay and bi. And the bi one has aparantly slept with a lot of guys that have worked at the company before.

He doesn't seem like my fiancee's 'type', not that i even know what that is in a man, but i am worried with the working environment, and the amount they go out for drinks after work that something could develop.

I did as you said, and asked how he would feel if it was the other round, and as i predicted he said that it wouldn't bother him in the slightest.

I feel perhaps as if i should just repress these feelings, but i know that isn't healthy either.

How do you suggest being less dependent on him? I definitely think i should work on this, but we recently moved in together, and i feel happy to be doing things such as food shopping and things for us, rather than just myself. He finished work late some times, and i find myself doing things for him, because i want to, but also because it makes me feel closer to him.

when i go out with friends, most of the time i wish i was with him, or could talk to him, and i am happy to be so in love, and he txts me saying he misses me and loves me when we are apart, but i want to be able to enjoy myself more, and be able to miss him when i'm not with him.

Any ideas are appreciated!

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Heather
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Well, why someone goes outside a relationship, when that happens, is awfully complex. It's not always just about sex, not always just about not being satisfied with a given partner. But since no one IS doing that here, or even talking about that (in other words, he isn't), I'm not sure why that'd be something for us to go into. I've also said in many times in topics like this, but we have no data that shows us that bisexual people have sex outside relationships or leave relationships at higher rates that straight people or homosexual people do, so it's not like it's any more relevant here than it would be with any monogamous relationship of any kind anyone of any orientation is in.

So, two guys he works with are gay or bi: so? I bet a lot of women he works with are straight. With any of those people, of either group, that doesn't mean everyone will either a) be attracted to each other or b) want to pursue sex together.

I think you can work out these feelings without repressing them, and I think that that's probably going to involve doing a few things.

One of them might be just taking the time to really check in with your ideas about bisexuality and bisexual people and be sure they're actually sound and realistic, rather than based in your insecurities or fears.

I'd also say it's good to remind oneself that most relationships are not lifelong, no matter what anyone's situation is. They're just not. Most will shift and change over the years: that's normal and it's also okay. If we're really living in the moment and doing what we can to enjoy what we have while we have it, it's a lot harder to get stuck in a place where we fixate on what could happen. Being present in what you have while you have it also assures you'll enjoy your life and relationships a lot more, you know? [Smile]

Another -- and again, you'd want to do this regardless -- is to be sure your romantic relationship is not about dependency, and that you have a well-rounded life of which it is a part, not a whole. So, what's the rest of your life like?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rose17
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I can see where you are coming from, but i really don't like to think that i won't be with this guy in 20/30/60 years time.

I know this is my only serious relationship i've ever had, but i am happy with that. I don't like the thought of being alone, or with anyone else ever.

I do feel as if my fiancee is my whole life, and maybe i should become a little more selfish and this could in time help me to be less dependent, but it IS difficult when i so much enjoy the time i spend with my fiancee.

In regards to the rest of my life! I am in my third year of uni, i have been away for the past year doing an internship as part of my course, and i purposely took a job near home so that i could be with my fiancee. within this time of being away from uni i inevitably lost touch with a lot of my friends, so when i found out about him bisexuality it also came clear to me that i had very few friends that i could actually turn to and talk and confide in them.

i don't want to continuously feel down on myself, and worry that i don't have good friends. i have a lot of experience in confiding in my uni friends, and then them telling other people after asking them not to.

Hence why i came here, and asked for help, as i am struggling to find it anywhere else.

I would like to thank you for being here for me to talk to, it is helping to get an outside perspective. Also apologies for the amount of times my last post appeared.

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Heather
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Happy to talk with you.

It sounds like one thing you can do, then, to have a better balance between your relationship and your life is to renew your friendship and make new friends. One thing I like to remind people of is that intimate relationships are about sahring our lives: if our whole life is about the one relationship, that actually gives us very little TO share, you know? In other words, having your own life, too, isn't selfish. It's about you, for sure, but having a whole life, with all kinds of things and relationships in it, just isn't about being selfish. It's about being whole.

How's that internship going? What's it for?

When you do spend time totally by yourself -- since you express feeling uncomfortable with being alone -- what do you do?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rose17
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I find that even when i try to make a real good effort with my friend that they will always be distracted.

i tried to talk to my fiancee again about the reasons that he didn't talk to me rather than my friend, which resulted in me getting upset, and him getting angry.
i am worried that even though i have never ever thought about the fact that we may not be together forever that it may be one of those things that i can't control.

I don't not want to be myself. but aparantly i also stop him from being himself.
I am going out for dinner tomorrow night, and he is going out with his friends. I am begining to feel as if i should have feelings for women. i have kissed women before, and in past fantasies they have involved women, which then makes me feel hipocritical, and the only way that i thought these feelings would be fulfilled would be without my fiancee because i am too paranoid of how my fiancee would be more attracted to the other girl!

I am struggeling to understand how i should feel, i am so distracted by my personal life that my university life is being put on hold and my deadlines are completely disregarded because of these feelings that i am trying to repress.

I am doing international tourism management at university, and i am really enjoying it, along with the new people that i meet almost everyday, but i feel as if my bubbly personality is being rejected because of my relationship with my fiancee!

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Ecofem
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Hey Rose, I've been following your chat with Heather and I'd like to step in and continue it; I hope it's ok.

How are you feeling right now? How is your fiancee doing?

OK, here are some specific replies to your various points. [Smile]

quote:
Originally posted by Rose17:
I find that even when i try to make a real good effort with my friend that they will always be distracted.

It sounds like you have what it takes to make for a good friend but it sounds like this person/people are not ready for that at this time. It's ok if too bad, but it sounds like a sign or a chance (in a good way!) to make some new, better friends whom you feel comfortable with and can relate to well. I know it takes time and can be hard at first, but I'd look at it as a gradual process. If you want advice or tips for making friends and getting to know new people (it seems so basic but is really so complicated!), we can help support you there, too.

quote:
i tried to talk to my fiancee again about the reasons that he didn't talk to me rather than my friend, which resulted in me getting upset, and him getting angry.

i am worried that even though i have never ever thought about the fact that we may not be together forever that it may be one of those things that i can't control.

I know this is all a very frightening thing for you right now, and I totally get that... however, I really do see it as an *opportunity* to get to know each other even better and make your relationship even stronger.... it's not to say that it won't be bumpy along the way at first. How have you two dealt with conflicts before or have you never really had such a big thing like this?

My earlier relationships tended to be shorter so while I cannot relate to having been with the same significant other from such an early age and for such a long time, I do understand that it's different and has it's own set of positives and challenges. You two have matured together and gone through a lot but you also become your own people. While many people often question their sexual orientation throughout their teens, others do not; maybe they do question it or actually know but do not feel comfortable saying it to themselves even and especially to others. It's been a long process for him and whereas I might find it like a not-so-good secret if you hadn't been together for so long from so early on, I think it's different for you him.

As I said, he's probably been working on coming to terms with it himself. His telling the friend first, which I totally get how much that may hurt, was very likely done because he was *afraid* of hurting you and wanted to work things out, get some support first. While being bisexual is obviously totally OK, it's not always easy to deal it in this world and he was handling it best he could. Yes, you'd rather he talk to you first but I'd ask that you try to see where he's coming from and acknowledge that you feel hurt but also not let it get in the way of supporting and respecting him. As you've been doing, just give it time if the talk becomes confrontational.... how about communicating via letters or emails or something where you write rather than speak directly?

As for the possibility of the relationship ending, that is something that anyone and everyone in a relationship faces; I know that you don't want it to end, I totally get that feeling, but dealing with it, acknowledging it and working with it is really the best way to go. Give yourself time and space to deal with it... I think when you do feel ok about it, it'll be one of those check-off things in terms of life wisdom... it's just getting there first! I can link you an article on that: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/love_letter

quote:
I don't not want to be myself. but aparantly i also stop him from being himself.
This is something I'd like to talk about more... I get what you're saying but what exactly do you mean? Can you give some more details please.

quote:
I am going out for dinner tomorrow night, and he is going out with his friends. I am begining to feel as if i should have feelings for women. i have kissed women before, and in past fantasies they have involved women, which then makes me feel hipocritical, and the only way that i thought these feelings would be fulfilled would be without my fiancee because i am too paranoid of how my fiancee would be more attracted to the other girl!
This is also something I want to address later... I think the very awareness and reflection about this is a positive step, even if the feeling is hard and point not necessarily valid... we'll see! Might you be unintentionally be projecting your unresolved feeling about your attractions (be they not really questioned until now) on to him? It also seems to me like you were just so focused on this relationship (which is ok!) that you didn't question your attractions and interests in others; maybe that neither of you really did till now. I think it's a healthy thing to think about and talk about for anyone, and it's fine to take small steps at first... and you're doing that! [Smile]

quote:
I am struggeling to understand how i should feel, i am so distracted by my personal life that my university life is being put on hold and my deadlines are completely disregarded because of these feelings that i am trying to repress.
OK, well, I know you're stressed but try to just hang in there and get by. If you can get any deadlines extended, you could try; however, as hard as this may be, you really do need to be able to get through daily life, too, so seeking out professional help would also be recommended. We can talk about this more later but just try to hang in there for now.

quote:
I am doing international tourism management at university, and i am really enjoying it, along with the new people that i meet almost everyday, but i feel as if my bubbly personality is being rejected because of my relationship with my fiancee!
That course sounds great and it seems like a very good match for you! What exactly do you mean by your "bubbly personality is being rejected because of my relationship with my boyfriend?" Could you explain more and give some details?

I look forward to hearing from you! [Smile]

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Ecofem
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Hey Rose!

I've been thinking of you... are you still around? How are you?

I found this old Scarleteen article that I think you'd find interesting; it was a good re-read for me just now. [Smile] Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul

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Rose17
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Hi Lena,

apologies for not replying sooner. I have managed to get an extension on my university work which is good, so i have been working on that a lot. I have been less distracted by my fiancee's sexuality whilst trying to do it, which i suppose is a step forward.
But there is one sarcastic part of me which can't stop saying things to him which i wish i didn't. I have a rather dry sense of humour any way, but i keep on saying things like 'do you find him as attractive as me'
I don't even mean to say it, it just comes out. We had a big argument the other night in which i asked him again and again if he was being honest with me about sleeping with a guy. He ended up telling me that he isn't interested in sleeping with men, but a guy did do falatio on him once. Which I feel i have also come to grips with as i know it was a long time ago.

However, we seem to still be arguing a lot. I really never imagined my life with anyone else, but i don't want to feel this upset anymore. We live with two other guys, and tonight one of them told me that the atmosphere in the house was really awkward because of mine and my fiancee's arguments. I apologised, but i don't know how to stop these arguements as they are always happening. I think they always did happen but now we live together (as of three months ago) we can't just walk away from each other, or go home, because we live together!

There is also a factor which has been very apparant to me for maybe a few years now. We do not have sex nearly enough as much as i want. Men are supposed to want sex all the time, and when he does want it it's amazing. However we only ever really have sex once, maybe twice a week.
I used to get really frustrated about it, and we would talk and he'd apologise that he was just tired from work or something, but this has never really changed. I am not really the type to implement sex, and i feel that when i attempt it he doesn't get it. I tried kissing him lots today and straddling him, he tickled me for a while, and then said he was going for a shower!
I don't know what to do to bring his libido up again! A few weeks ago i found porn on his phone (women if you wondered) and i confronted him. First he was really angry that i had been looking at his phone, but later he apologised and said he wouldn't do it again, and said it was just a man thing.
But nothing seems to have changed! My friend has been with her fiancee for 6 years and she says it's exactly the same for her, but she has given up and says it doesn't bother her anymore. But she also talks a lot about leaving him when she's drunk and says he isn't exciting enough for her.

I feel like i want to just move away to an island where it is just the two of us, no-one knows about his bisexuality, and we can just have sex like a perfect couple.

I have done what you said and tried to make new friends, which began to work out very well, however i entrusted some information in someone, and the next day i found out she had told someone else! the other people i have met are really fun to go out and have drinks and dance with, but they are not the type of people i can talk to about serious things.

I don't even want to talk about serious things any more. I look at my friend and she is always so happy, and really really genuinly happy. whenever she gets upset it is for like an hour and then she just forgets about it.

I feel like the only time i forget about my problems is when i am with these new friends drinking.

I could really do with some tips of how to be more independent, and unreliant on my fiancee, as i can see it happening every day, but i don't do anything to stop it, or when i make a consious effort not to rely on him, and do my own thing i just think about him ALL the time. I can't stop it. I just want to stop thinking about him, but i love him so much, and i feel like it has taken over my life so much, a lot more than it has his life.

Please help me, i feel like i'm spiraling.

Kayla

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Stephanie_1
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Hi Rose17. I hope you donít mind me jumping in here, but I understand where youíre coming from with some of your feelings and wanted to add in a few thoughts for you.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over five years, and this past year we also sat down and had a talk about sexuality, where I explained to him that I was bisexual and of course some of the reasons I just didnít feel ready to talk with him about it. Itís understandable that you are having some trouble really coming to terms with this fully, as this is something very big you didnít know about someone very close to you.

I donít see anything wrong with asking your boyfriend a question about whether or not he finds someone attractive, and humor can be a good thing in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have talked about different women and what we find attractive, and itís something that we laughed about at first but now find itís something that helps us understand one another better. Itís really not so different than discussing what he finds attractive in a woman or you in a man, and really something you shouldnít feel embarrassed talking about since we all have different things that attract us to people.

On the other hand, I think that as part of a relationship, while disagreements will happen from time to time, it takes that maturity from both parties to really begin to resolve the problems we have. For instance, explaining that you want to understand his feelings better, and want to be able to be open and honest about sexuality with one another can be a great way to open a discussion, but you also need to be understanding of the fact that talking to you about this is new to him and probably a bit difficult, as it means really opening himself to you in a way he hasnít before. So if he doesnít feel quite ready to talk about something like what he has or has not done with other men, asking him again and again is more likely to make him less comfortable talking with you.

In the same idea, being able to communicate with one another is such an important part of a healthy relationship. It sounds like this is something you both need to work on together, in terms of keeping your attitudes packed away and your good listening skills on the table. As well, recognizing when a talk isnít going as you would like and being able to say, ďI really think we both need a few minutes to calm down so we can talk productivelyĒ and walking away for a little bit can be so helpful in the long run. And too, have a place you feel comfortable that you can go to when this happens. Everyone needs a cool down period from time to time, you should have a space you like to use for that.

You know, saying that men are supposed to want sex all the time is a pretty big generalization that just isnít how things work. It leaves out the fact that and woman also can enjoy sex, and want sex. It also doesnít really match with the fact that we are all different, and therefore our wants and needs are as well. As well, for a couple to have sex once or twice a week is pretty typical, especially when we take into consideration the busy schedules and long days so many people face daily. You made a good start in talking with him about this, but we canít just make a partner want sex more, or feel ready to have sex at any given time. What we can do is talk to them when we feel like we donít have what we want or need at any time in a relationship, and we can also find ways in which to meet our own needs if thatís not something a partner feels they can do. If youíre finding that your needs sexually arenít met, you always have the option of meeting them yourself through masturbation Ė and lots of people in relationships do since sometimes what we feel we need isnít always going to match with what a partner feels they need. As for him ďnot gettingĒ that you want sex when you try to show him you do, some people are just not great at the hints, even the less subtle ones. Next time, you may find you get better results by telling him what you want rather than trying for hints (Or if you try with a hint and he doesnít catch on, change your tactic then). I also donít know that thereís really a connection with a ďperfect coupleĒ Ė which nobodyís perfect so no two people would be either, and sex. Because relationships are different (and people are) how one relationship works will differ from another, and thatís okay. Finding what we need in our relationships is whatís important, so what can you do to help meet your needs?

Plenty of people look at porn as well, both men and women so nope, itís not just a man thing. Why were you so upset that you found that on his phone, what did finding pictures mean to you? Can you understand his being upset that you were looking at his phone without him knowing Ė how that is more about trust? Also, while your friend may have a similar situation on this factor, we canít really judge one relationship off of another, since the two people in a relationship are different than two in another, and thus the relationship is very different as are the dynamics of the relationship.

Making new friends is a great thing, but itís always important to remember that until you really get to know them better, you canít tell how theyíll deal with things theyíre told. Trusting someone with personal information isnít easy, and itís even harder when the person we trust betrays that trust. Have you thought about talking to someone like a counselor about how youíve been feeling and whatís been happening in your life? That would be someone you could trust with personal information, and someone that doesnít depend on drinking to talk to.

What typed of things do you like to do aside from drinking. Are there any groups or clubs at your university that you think you may be interested in joining? Those are good places to turn when youíre not sure how to get your mind off of things Ė considering they tend to be things we enjoy and we meet others that enjoy the same things we do. It may also help you to make some new friends with interests that are similar to yours. It would also give you some time to yourself, away from your fiancťe and where your mind would be occupied with things you like to do.

[ 10-21-2009, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Rose17
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Hi Stephanie,

Thank you so much for your response. It really helps to have someone who has been in a similar situations response.

I understand that talking about other women with your boyfriend may be funny, or even a turn on for the two of you, however for women, or not to generalize i do not think that the thought of two men together is such a turn on. Not for myself anyway, i am selfish and want him for myself, and only me.

I also think that you're definitely right with the 'hint' factor, i may be unsubtle, but subtle enough for what is comfortable with me, but i do feel sad that even after talking with him he can't quite manage it because of tiredness. I don't want to have to work around him for sex, and i do masterbate, however recently i have realised that it just isn't enough. Surely giving you can also see that pleasuring yourself isn't as satisfying as receiving it from someone you love, especially when our friends are all quite new to their relationships which makes it harder when they are in the 'honey moon' stage!

It definitely seems that he is 100% moved on from the situation, and if i even bring up the subject he asks why, and why i'm bringing it up now? I was out with my fiancee and a few friends tonight and they made a joke about his sexuality, which noĖone felt comfortable with, and made me feel very upset. Similarly, i was out for dinner with a couple of friends who were talking about a bisexual man (they did not know about my fianacee) and they made the comment 'who would go out with a man who fancies men...a ******* weirdo that's who'
i understand they didn't know my situation, but i felt upset and didn't know how to handle the situation!

i understand that i was completely wrong to look at his phone, and i do trust him, but i felt as if something was going on and although me being correct doesn't make my actions right, i apologised for going on his phone, and he apologised for looking at women. So we kind of called a truce on that, as long as neither of us did it again and we would trust each other.

I do think that i feel that i should see a counciler, but i also don't want to tell my fiancee. Is that wrong? I think that they would be able to help come to terms with my feelings. What do you think? Maybe i'm just scared of opening up to someone other than my fiancee, and then realising what i don't want to...that we're not meant to be together!

I have been trying and joining groups to become a part time nanny while i'm at university, as i absolutely adore children, and i think that this would give me a good beginning to my own time alone. Children are so uplifting, and they always take my mind off problems. So hopefully something will come of my advertisement.

Any other help to take my mind off matters, or help with my understanding would be very much appreciated. x

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Stephanie_1
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Talking about attractions with a significant other isnít really so much about being a turn on, as it is simply about understanding the person you spend day in and day out with. Understanding things about people is what really makes accepting them a lot easier.

Sometimes when we really want to see something happen, it means going a bit outside of our typical comfort level to get it. If youíre feeling that heís just not getting hints that you drop, maybe itís time that you try to push through that thought that you arenít comfortable going past hints, because really itís the better chance for you to see more of what you want happening.

I see you talking about the emotional aspect of having a partner, how is your emotional relationship outside of sex? At times, we can find that same attachment outside of sex by being together in different ways. Like if heís tired offering to give him a massage (and taking turns in doing so). Or spending time curled up together talking/ kissing. But ultimately, as I said above, you canít force him to be ready or to want sex at a certain time, and how weíre feeling at the time is a big factor. But you can certainly be more upfront with him if you feel itís him not getting a hint. (And just to point out, different types of sex are different for a lot of people. Some people find that masturbation is a better fit for their needs than partnered sex at times, so we canít really generalize about what people find more satisfying, remembering itís different for different people.

Iím not sure what you mean by heís moved on from the situation. We canít really walk away from feelings we may have, and whether or not he wants to be with someone else itís normal to find things in others that are attractive. I would explain to him if he asks why youíre bringing it up that you simply want to learn about and understand him better as a person and as a partner. I am sorry to hear about your dinner Ė and thatís sad that your friends would act like that even though they donít know about him. One thing you have to understand is that there are a lot of people that are not accepting of differences in people, what you donít have to do is always keep quiet. You can be an advocate, even if you donít say who you advocate for, you can say a friend is and youíd appreciate if they didnít say things like that. But know that sometimes people will say things that make you uncomfortable, and then itís your decision is you say something or try to ignore it. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how this made for feel? Him knowing it upset you may help him to see you really do want to be there to support him.

As for the phone, Iím glad youíve talked about it. But you need to understand too that whether or not someone looks at porn is a personal decision, and a lot of people in a relationship and out of a relationship do. Can you explain what his looking at porn means to you? Do you somehow see it as him being more interested in these other women? It doesnít mean heís any less interested in you, or that heís hoping to be with someone else.

If counseling is something youíd like to look into, itís your decision whether or not you tell your fiancťe right away. It is something you should talk about with him at some point, as heís likely to notice down the road anyway (Whether it be bills, time away, etc). Thereís nothing wrong with looking for help outside, and itís really about coming to terms with some things in your relationship which shows youíre working on making the relationship last. And really, wanting to understand a partner and our own feelings about things concerning that partner really are great ways to show you care about them. I think the important thing is that you know and understand why you donít want to talk to him about it though.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Rose17
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Hi,

I know that it has been a while that i have been on here, and i thought that i would be able to get over it, which in some how i have been able to. However, one of the more recent issues is his new jobs which means that he works away half of the week, which at the moment i'm finding very difficult.

I still trust him, and he has moved out of the situation where he could be persuaded by drink, however when he comes back i feel as if he should want me, and miss ME for being away, not want to go out and be with our friends more than just me.

Please help, even though it has been a while, i know. Please.

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Heather
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Have you read this, Rose?

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_i_trust_her_if_i_cant_see_what_shes_doing

As well, can you maybe recognize that his orientation is irrelevant when it comes to if you can trust him or not? In other words, it's not like someone being of any given orientation makes them more or less trustworthy, nor that if someone is with a person who is a member of the group they are oriented towards, that means they automatically CAN be trusted.

I also don't know what has gone on since we last spoke with you. Have your relationship dynamics stayed pretty much the same in the interim, or have things gotten better between you in terns of your own upset, in terms of you working on more trust, less snooping, etc? Did you ever seek out counseling for yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rose17
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Hi Heather,

I don't think that it is to do with his orientation anymore, i feel upset that he doesn't pay me the attention that he used to. He will come home from being on a business trip and after a quick chat with me will carry on working, and then we'll go to bed. He doesn't seem remotely interested in me the way he used to be, and it makes me feel as though perhaps he isn't cheating but maybe looking at porn on the internet whilst he's away, and this keeps him satisfied, and tired for when he is at home with me.
The dynamics of our relationship are exactly the same, I still love him more than anything, and although I do think about the fact he is bisexual once in a while with upset, I don't actively think about it like when I first found out.

To be honest I have stopped now, but he just deletes his history on his laptop anyway, so i know there is no point me looking, but this is something that does make me suspicious to wonder what he was looking at.

Last time i was in this situation I talked about our lack of sex life so much that he really was turned off by me, so I don't want that to happen again. But I don't know what I can do to make him interested in me again. i have bought new underwear, I exercise all the time, but i just feel as if he is too comfortable in our relationship that he thinks it doesn't matter.
I have researched online about this, and it appears I am one in a million, because all other men say 'if my girlfriend wanted to have sex all the time then i would be a very lucky man.'

It is more the opposite way round that the woman is always tired, and not up for sex, and then the men go elsewhere to satisfy them.
I don't understand what I can do!

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