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Author Topic: So I find I'm the only lesbian in my relationship...
Kelli6506
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Member # 43847

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My girlfriend just told me the other night she's really attracted to guys. I'm the "exception to the rule". And that scares me! I thought she was bisexual but her comments made it seem like she was trying to tell me that she's really straight. We have a wonderful relationship but now I feel paranoid that she's always going to be wanting a guy...or going to be leaving me for a guy eventually. I even feel nervous about our sex life now never knowing if it's what she really wants or needs. Basically I felt so confident in us before and now I feel so uncertain. She tells me all the time that she loves me and that she only wants me. I know she doesn't want me to to worry and she wants me to trust her, but I can't help but feel constantly in a competition with guys.
Posts: 6 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
vshanti
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hi Kelli,

Have you tried discussing this with your girlfriend? You might want to be upfront with her about your worries, so that she has more insight into where you're coming from. I think, though, that you should trust her when she says that she loves you and wants to be with you. We all come into relationships with different histories and desires. If you and your girlfriend have a great relationship, as you say, then I don't think you should be put off by her attraction to guys, because that doesn't mean she cares about you any less or is any less attracted to you.

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Vanessa

I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe...
I do, I do, I do.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Kelli: I have to confess, you posting and saying this makes me aware of how I've said and done in the past what your girlfriend has. I said it to a couple male partners, but still, I never quite realized the impact that being "the exception" could have. Thanks for making me aware of your perspective: it certainly has given me some food for thought.

That said, per what Vanessa asked, have you had conversations about this yet? If so, how have those gone?

I'd add, too, that so much of who we fall in love with simply is about who we fall in love with. When we're with someone who, as a person, not a gender, we love and are in love with, we rarely feel like we're missing out on anything in the way you seem to be thinking your girlfriend might or might feel she is. Gonads don't offer us much all by themselves, after all. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Kelli6506
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well the gonads apparently had a lot more to offer than I could. We broke up less than a week ago. I'm now even having to go to a therapist for this. What a week...I come out to my mom, I'm dumped, etc. Being this is the second break up for us, I'm having a difficult time. Giving someone everything you have and it not being enough baffles me. She wants a guy who "loves her and listens to her and is sweet". I really thought I was all of those for her. I was just lacking the gender she wanted. She keeps calling herself an "ex-lesbian" and that she's bicurious, which just kills me. It makes me feel like I was an experiment. She says I wasn't but she sure got over our relationship fast. I don't think she even cried at all over the loss of what we had. You think you know you're future and then it can change and disappear in a second. The part that kills me is that I can't touch her or kiss her whenever I want anymore. It's all gone.
Posts: 6 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey Kelli,

I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out. It sounds like you've been through a lot of tough stuff, and that sounds really painful. It sounds like your ex doesn't mean to hurt you but is too focused on her own process with all this that she isn't being very thoughtful in her words and actions. The "ex-lesbian" bit really hurts, especially because it just doesn't really make sense to me if you think about labels, etc. I know that can really cut deep, so I don't mean to just gloss over things today but I will try to write more tomorrow evening if someone else doesn't reply first.

How are things with your mom? I'm so proud of you for coming out to her-- that's very courageous of you! As for going to the therapist, a helpful ear is something we could all benefit from; I hope it doesn't feel like punishment to you but an opportunity to talk about this stuff, even if it's not what you'd prefer right now.

Hang in there! We're thinking of you and I hope your Wednesday goes at least a bit better than today. xoxo

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Ecofem
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Hi Kelli,

How are you today? I'm sorry but I just didn't find the time to write more this evening; I apologize for leaving you hanging again and sincerely hope things are feeling a little better today. [Smile]

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Ecofem
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Hey Kelli, are you still around? Sorry to have left you hanging for a couple days... if you're still around and looking to talk, I'd be glad to discuss this with you over the next few days. [Smile]

Hope you're having a good week! xo

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