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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » hot and cold girlie

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Author Topic: hot and cold girlie
Member # 24757

Icon 9 posted      Profile for jo27     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This may get long. I need a rant. Oh do I ever.

So I had a girlfriend once.... two years ago, to be precise. She was my first; she dumped me (though neither of us were at all happy), it was devastating for a long time, but I moved on, or at least I threw myself into my study and unproductive crushes on unattainable girls.

Flash forward through two years of no sex, only one pash, all my crushes remain unrequited as does the attention various boys lavish upon me (though I consider going for a guy, in some sort of mercenary sex-only agreement - I am simply not emotionally attracted to them in the same way - just to break the drought). So I meet this girl, she texts me a lot, eventually confesses to liking me. And in time I loosen up, let myself go, warm up to her. Then one night I see her at a friend's party, and there is the most powerful spark of mutual attraction now that we both know what's what. We are all over each other, flirting like mad, end up kissing, more than once.

A few days later she informs me that her ex-girlfriend is back in town for a month, and she just needs some time to sort out what it is she wants, and that she was sorry for "pissing [me] around". I run into her at the pub a while later, we chat a bit, she seems simultaneously happy to see me, happy to chat and somewhat awkward (as would be expected in such a situation). I have to leave, and then... that is that. A week since that night at the party now; I imagine she and her ex are having an extended reunion. She hasn't been in touch.

Thing is, I'm surprised by how much it hurts. It shouldn't - all it ever was was three weeks of warming up and texting and her pursuing, one fun night, then her backing off. I suppose my worry is that it might be another two years before anything happens again - I don't exactly put myself out there, don't have the time nor energy for internet dating sites or bars or groups; all the girls in my immediate vicinity are resolutely straight. Yet a certain sort of frustration eats away at me. Perhaps I merely lust to be lusted after. Perhaps I miss intimate human touch. Perhaps I'm sick of the errant feelings I have towards my friends merely because it seems I always have to have some unattainable object to fixate upon. And I keep thinking about this girl.

I'm loath to discuss it with my friends (though they know about the situ well enough), mainly because I'm loath to appear silly enough to be so invested. So I'm bearing this on my own. I'm drinking more and more and working more and more. I keep being tempted to text her, because what the hell, she was fun, funny and refreshing, whatever sort of relationship we might have, but I also don't want to pester her. If space she wants, space she'll get. I don't imagine anything long-term happening - she's two years younger than me, and at a rather different place in her life (I'm a grad student, she's still in undergrad, etc). But the sudden change of dynamic - her pursuing me to disappearing completely - has messed with me somewhat. If she'd indicated her reservations all along, I suppose there wouldn't be the same issue. As is, I'm left wondering whether she ever wants to hear from me again, or whether I should merely loosen up, forget about it, and return to the books as per always.

I felt everything I'd sublimated for so long flowing back into me that night.... and now I have to push it away again, for lord knows how long. Another factor is that I've had a crush on my best friend for a long time, with a mightily strong emotional attachment; it took a lot for me to set that aside and warm up to new girl. Now I'm left flailing, because it is my friend to whom I return, just when I thought I'd torn down that particular castle in the air.

Do I just try to forget about the girl?

Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, without having a conversation with her, if you have/had string feelings and a good connection -- and it sounds like you did -- and you'd still WANT to pursue something I'd not tank it just yet.

It sounds like she actually was pretty above-board with you, and many of us will have complexities when it comes to feelings with more than one person or relationship.

So, why not drop her a call or a text to find out what's going on with her and how she is feeling about things? Do you need to wait for HER to call? For all you know, she hasn't called you because she's thinking you'll call.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 24757

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Good advice - as it turned out, she texted me today, and we engaged in a bit of conversation, just light general stuff, but she got cooler and cooler and then stopped texting back. Sigh!
Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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