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Author Topic: hopeless
jilly bean13
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hey everyone i am new to the forum but am excited about the feedback i will be getting from every one. I am sorry this is long but its alot to explain but i really need advice!
I have grown up in a christian home my parents are very strict about their religion but they also are terrible parents (you would have to know them to understand)When i was 14 i ran away from home when my parents found me they decided to send me to a christian group home in florida which was really really hard for me i lived there till i was 16 when my rents decided they wanted me back.

I started working at a pizza place when i moved back to minnesota and i worked with another girl Ashley and she was a lesbian.I was completely turned off to any kind of same sex relationship at the time mostly bc i had been so secluded and forced into religion my whole life. Well she liked me as soon as she saw me and she would flirt with me all the time. I did not like it at first but i actually started to like the attention she was always giving me. Somtimes she would go too far with her flirting i think it made me nervous so i would be really firm n tell her to stop. So she stopped flirting and i eneded up missing it.lol Well one nyt at work she said something to me n my reply was pretty flirtatious. she was surprised but of course liked it .

well one thing lead to another of course and we ended up makin out right there. I remeber goin home all smiles that night. After that we slowly started seeing eachother more but it was hard bc of my parents.Well she ended up being my first so obviously there was quite an attatchment and bond we had.she told me she loved me which idk if i really loved her deeply but i did like her alot! i was scared to say i love you but i think i may have told her i loved her under the pressure of it all any way she had also told me she has a tendancy to cheat but she never has on me which did scare me but i still loved being with her.

any ways one day we were at the mall and my dad came early 2pick me up for work and he saw us kissing.so that night it all came out. It was bad i cudnt even leave my parents site after that i had 2 sleep in there bedroom and had 2 sneak out 2 try 2 warn ashley. My parents tried 2 get her fired and even tried to use her age against her she was 19 and i had just turned 17. my parents sent me away back 2 florida the next day i didnt even get 2 say bye to ashley or any one i was heart broken! When i went back to florida i had to tell them that my girlfriend was just a phase and that i was not a lesbian. I only told one girlabout ashley while i was there and i thought about ashley all the time but i finally gave up on it and tried to forget.

Well after two years i was back living with my parents again i was on facebook when i got a message from ashley! I was scared to respond and scared my family would find out but i finally did and we started talking on the phone.

She told me how much she missed me and continually thought about me and would get sad when she missed me even after two years. She told me i was her long lost love. Well she was with her girlfriend at the time but i knew she wanted to be with me and did not like being with her girl. Eventually she left her girl 2 be with me but we still had to keep sneaking around:(. well i thought things were going good but i started to feel her drifting away and i think she started 2 develope a crush on her friend. Well after alot of drama we talked about it i told her i just wanted to be with her but i knew she did not feel the same and she wanted to be single. She said she thought it would be good for me to meet other girls bc she was the only girl i had been with. I was reaaally sad and heart broken. she said we wud still be friends but she stopped calling me.
I fainally gave up on trying to call her and tried to get over the pain i was in. It was hard i knew she was doin stuff with other girls I was heart broken. I felt like she just kicked me to the kirb.
Well i finally moved into my own place recently and now i can be a lesbian all i want.Ashley heard i had moved out and asked if she could come over. I was thinking no way! but i said sure.
I was telling her how i wanted to meet more people but didnt know how to approach any one and she told me she could help but would be jealous. I said lol why? she continued to tell me she wanted to b back with me and that now that we dont have to sneak around and i have my feet on the ground we can actually be together. I told her she broke my heart and hurt me alot. She continued to say how she knows she f*** up and was so sorry and she jus couldnt take snaeking arounf all the tym and she also started crushing on her friend.

So we talked about it alot but we started to ahng out more on fouth of july we hung out and went to fireworks. I had been drinking and i get flirty wen im drunk. I eneded up staying the nyt at her place bc i cudnt drive home. We were bothin bed watchin L word and she couldnt keep her hands off me and i did not have control at all sooo u know what happened.
Well i said we cant do that again and later on had a big talk i told her i was willing to give her a second chance if she could prove to me she was ready. Well she said she didnt want 2 take things fast so we decided on being freinds but with potential of being together. So we have just been talking and sometimes we kiss and stuff but not alot.
Well the other week she tells me she still has feelings for here ex and wants to be with her! I did not understand at all. I did not say anything.

The other day i asked her what was wrong with me and why she had changed her mind about wanting to be with me AGAIN! she said she just had feelings for her ex ( who she had been on and off with for five years) and she still likes me but just cant get away from her ex.
Ok so what do i do? im sooo confused we are just at a friends status but i know if i let her she would deffinatley want 2 to mess around but i am trying to be strong in that area.I really do have mad love for her but she hurts me so much and makes me so mad sumtyms i feel hate sumtyms:( I just really like her but all my friends tell me i can do better but when im with her im really happy she just special to me grrrr idk wat to do?? help please. I know that was like super super long sorry!

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheTasteOfPurple
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First off, I'm really glad that you seem to be so comfortable with your sexuality despite growing up in a homophobic household. Good job!
To get to your question, my take on the situation is that Ashley probably hasn't thought very much about what kind of a relationship model would really work best for her, and it sounds as if you haven't really either. Here's a great article to learn more about that: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/supermodel_creating_nurturing_your_own_best_relationship_models
On the up side, it does sound like she's been fairly honest with you about her needs and desires from a relationship; on the down side, it seems like she's treating her relationship with YOU very irresponsibly in other ways and not respecting your boundaries. If you or she can't set boundaries and be sure the other person will stick to them, then you may want to reevaluate the place you give this relationship in your life. I know how hard it can be to say no to someone you're in love with; this may sound harsh, but if she continues to disrespect your comfort zones, she's probably not the person you need to be with at this point in your lives.

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Julia

The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

Posts: 50 | From: Halfway down the California coast | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jilly bean13
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Member # 43609

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Thank you taste of purple for the encouragment and advice! You are right i do need to think about what kind of relationship i need and what i want from one.
I do think she is honest with me if she hasn't been i do not know of it. But i do feel as though she is just really fast and she has a way of "sucking me in" but then when i start to get stronger feelings for her and start to feel as though we are both at the same page as far as our feelings for eachother go, she just kinda changes her mind and backs away and leaves me all alone.
I know before when she left me she then told me after that she was scared she was going to lode me or that my family would try to send me away. I tried to assure her i would not be going any where bc i was over 18 and they cannot legally send me away.
I think she does not know what she wants sometimes but she has amny times asked me what i want.
I know she is a very sexual person and has a hard time controlling herself. If i dont stop things from going to far when im with her they will go to far.
But what i wanted to ask you is if you think it would be a good thing for me to meet other girls? She has been the only girl i have been with since i have known i am a lesbian. She has even mentioned several times she thinks it would be good to meet other girls and see if mayb there is someone better.
I have not been living in minnesota very much so i dnt really know a whole lot of people and i just moved to a different area so idk where to meet toher people and how to make other friends. I would at least like to make more friends bc i have to many guy friends and it gets annoying bc they usually end up liking me even though im gay lol. thanks for your thoughts and opinions!

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheTasteOfPurple
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Just a note: being a very sexual person and having a hard time controlling oneself really don't have anything to do with each other, although that is what our culture would have us believe. In fact, the people I know who are the most open and happy with themselves as sexual beings are the people with the BEST self-control when it comes to what they do sexually; the people I know who have issues with their sexuality are the ones who tend to do things they, and others, later regret.

I'm not sure whether it's necessary to "meet other girls" in the dating sense, but I remember when I first came out feeling so lonely because almost all of my friends (who didn't live hundreds of miles away) were straight. Where I live we have an LGBTQ center in the middle of town and one at the university; you may have something like that where you live, or nearby, that you can find with a little bit of Googling.

Other than that, the advice I've always seen given to people asking, "How do I meet lesbians/gay men?" is just to get involved in something that interests you and is a group activity; a sport, activism, tabletop gaming, theater, taking a 10-week course about herbal medicine... I don't know what your interests are, so some of those might be a bit of a stretch, but you see what I mean, right? If you feel like you need more friendships, with people you really click with, the best way to do it is to go out and do new things. I realize it can take quite a bit of looking to find something you really fall in love with doing, but it's sososo worth it.

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Julia

The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

Posts: 50 | From: Halfway down the California coast | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
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"Just a note: being a very sexual person and having a hard time controlling oneself really don't have anything to do with each other, although that is what our culture would have us believe. In fact, the people I know who are the most open and happy with themselves as sexual beings are the people with the BEST self-control when it comes to what they do sexually; the people I know who have issues with their sexuality are the ones who tend to do things they, and others, later regret."

This is so true.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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jilly bean13
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your are right that is very true! i guess i didnt think about the way i worded it there is nothing wrong with being very sexual.
I guess it is bc ashley does not have self control that she ends up hurting people. I know that she told me she does not want to hurt me but it is hard for her to go without sex for a while which results in her finding some one else to fulfill her "needs". This makes me not want to get involved with her bc i feel as though she does not care about my feelings. I enjoy sex just as much as she does but when i care about someone my focus is mainly on them so even though it may be a lil hard to control i still try my best to have self control. Idk if that makes sense at all.
Also I have been looking for some kind of community glbt group to get involved in around here. I called this one place called outfront and they told me to look into their activity organizations so my next step is to call and find out more about it and how i can get involved and they put me on their mailing list as well:) Thanks a heap for the advice!

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
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I just wanted to add that I'm sorry you had such a horrible time of it with your parents and others in your community, I had a very easy coming out process (I'm bi), but I can imagine what it must be like if you get told you did something wrong/sinful because you're attracted to the same sex, I got told that, even if it wasn't by those I knew so much. I'm so glad you're finding out about LGBT groups in your area, it really helps to get that support and make friends.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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jilly bean13
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Thank you for the support! Jill2000plus. I have been living in such a tiny little box my whole life so now that I am on my own I want to surround myself with people who will accept me for who I am and make lasting relationship with others. I hope that there will be some groups or community activities to get involoved in. I work during most of the day But I am soooo willing to make any extra time for an oopurtunity others.
I hope that in the future I will at least be able to come out to some of my other friends who are also christians and will probably tell me I am wrong.
I am glad that i found this forum though its great!

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheTasteOfPurple
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Oh, good! I'm glad you found my replies helpful, and that you're in the process of finding an accepting & supportive community.

quote:
it is hard for her to go without sex for a while which results in her finding some one else to fulfill her "needs".
It might be worthwhile to reevaluate that statement. If she feels like she NEEDS to have partnered sex regardless of whether the other person wants to or not, then likely it's not about sexual desire at all; your body doesn't know the difference between your own hands and someone else's, after all. If that quote is a statement SHE made, she probably has some big misconceptions about sex that--at least, this is what I'm guessing from the rest of your posts--are probably piggybacking on some other issues she has around sex and intimacy.

The rest of that paragraph does make total sense, actually. If someone in a sexual relationship is focusing purely on themselves, and not on their partners, that's definitely going to create an unhealthy environment (although the opposite is also true--if someone focuses only on their partners and not their own pleasure, they're probably going to feel unfulfilled in the long run. It's all about balance.)

I'm impressed by how many of your attitudes about sex seem very healthy, especially considering the environment you grew up in. Good job!

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Julia

The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

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jilly bean13
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thank you taste of purple for the advice! I did reevaluate what I wrote about ahsleys need for sex. I do believe she has told me more than once that sex is something she cannot go with out and she needs it on a regular basis.
I think sometimes i depend on her bc she was my first and so far only gf. She is also my only lesbian friend i have that i can talk to on a regular basis which is why i think it would be good for me to meet other girls not to step into another relationship with someone else but form a friendship with. I think it would be good for me to put some distance between us but still remain friends.
I am hoping that i can find a organization that will be a good fit for me also something i can really get involoved in. I guess I will let you know how that goes! Thank you so much I am really glad for this forum bc i really do not have any one to go to about my relationship problems and such. Thank you yall! [Smile]

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Jilly, are you in or near the Twin Cities?

If you are, you might want to look into District 202, a GLBT youth center with pretty much everything one could possibly want. I did some work for them when I still lived there, and it's SUCH a fantastic place.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jilly bean13
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Really? i was just looking at that the other day online. I am 19 idk if mayb i would be considered to old for their youth center but i am very curious to find out more about it. Yes I am in the cities I am in burnsville actually. I am open to pretty much anything I can get involved in on a weeekly basis and meet more epople around my age and make friends. It does not really matter to me what it is whether it be volunteering or just hanging out. I will have to call about that district and ask them about their organization. Thank you!

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
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"Youth" is pretty liberally interpreted at the group I attend, the age limit is 26 for attendees, I don't know if that's true generally, but I wouldn't lose hope just yet.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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jilly bean13
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ok so today and last nyt are like offically one of my hardest days to go through!
I was at ashleys last nyt just hangin out and chillin this whole time i thought we were still taking things slow and i thought thre was still a potential of us being together which is what i thought she wanted. Well i know the other week she told me she was startin to get feelings for her ex.
well last nyt we were laying there watchin L word and she kept on makin comments about her ex amber it was then i knew that there was not going to be anything in the future that concerns her and me. I really dont open up that much to poeple but I think I really loved and she really means alot to me I do love her.
it hurts so much that i know that i cannot be with her she was my first we have been through alot togethr.
At least now i know that there will never be anything there and now all i can do is try to get over her.My heart hurts sooooo much.
Idk if i can even be around her without crying or something. I fell for her again she is such a heart breaker she hurts poeple all the time i know for a fact i am not the only one she has hurt more than once.
I think all i can do is try to move on and hope this will all heal and i hope it will hurry up on doing so.
I just had to let this out maybe it all doesnt make sense but i just need to get somehting out.
Like i hate ( i know thats a strong word)her but i still miss her so much. god this sucks so much. she had me so confused she made me think she still cared about me all long she didnt. U know what sux is she jus told me about her n her sex having sex I thought she was honest. She said well you know i cant go long withou sex! wat a f*** B***! god she can never control herself and she hurts poeple along the way. Ok i think ive said enough lol. Thank goodness for this forum seriously!

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live and let live

Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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