First off, I need to give this situation context, but it has lasted for a long time so I will try to be as to the point as possible (meaning not with my usual tangents and ramblings). I guess I'm just looking for comments, thoughts, advice and sharing of experiences of my the journey I'm about to share.
This like many things is about love - love for someone you feel you can't be without, let alone lose twice; but not because they don't want you, but because putting the whole situation behind you is for the best.
I am a 21 y.o. male living in Vancouver and I am not completely straight.. I've never had sex with a guy but I have kissed/madeout and had awesome spooning with some (like 2). I am relatively stable except for my love (sex+relationship) life, which has always seemed filled with melodrama, angst, and heartache for me and my partners... which is not to say we don't have really good rad times as well. I am also quite geeky: in high school I was in concert and jazz band, played chess during breaks... add in the skipping classes, occasional drinking and smoking weed (it is vancouver btw).
I met Kelly (not her really name) in the Royal Canadian Sea Cadet Corps (a youth group working in tandem with the Canadian Forces and the Department of National Defense) when I had just turned 13, she was 12. Cadets is for youths 12-18, and during that time we became very close... though we played it down eventually due to regulations against behaviours which could be construed as fraternization. I didn't realized I had fallen in love with her until a year after we met and by then it was too late; I struggled with that for some time, and wasn't going to tell her because I knew should not feel the same way.
Growing up with her was amazing, and we've shared a lot... the hardest of which was coping with the death of cadet who was a close friend to both of us (he died of a heart problem in a run at school, he was really fit... a genetic ailment). During this time, I had always noticed that her emotions/moods were always sudden to change dramatically (she'd either have long periods of happiness or depression), also that the officers would have to manage her medications for her.
About 8 months after I realizing I loved her, she confronted me about in private. She said she was sorry and didn't feel the same way... she came over and hugged me kissed my cheek and walked out the room. We continued our respective duties at cadets for numerous years, but never really say much...even when we had to work together or when she became my subordinate. There would be times where'd we look at each other and hug each other so tightly without saying anything, and then go back to our jobs. Me being 2 years older then her, I aged out of the corps first, but decided to stay as Civilian Instructor filling an Officer's billet for an additional 3 years.
She had 2 years left as a cadet, and me as an officer made things complicated interacting. I could be brought up on charges of sexual harassment and conduct unbecoming.. then have to deal with civilian courts. but we still saw each other. We went to the TriService Ball together, which happened the week before I aged out.. so we could still be close as far the regs were concerned... though still no frat... but those rules could be bent. Fanastic night, just dancing and talking. Oh at this time, I should point out that she bisexual, and has had relationships with both guy and girls.. not just for sex, and that she is biploar.. though at the time I didn't really know what that meant. ( i was probably 18 then)
During her last year of high school and cadets her mom and new husband moved 3 cities over (her mom and dad had been separated since I met her). For that year she lived with her dad who happened to live in the apartment building behind the one I was living in at the time. Other then cadets we didnt see each though.. she was going through a tough time, but I let her know that I was there for her. Once she aged she moved to this other city, and we spent hardly anytime together for 2 years.
During this time I met another girl, who happened to be bipolar and not so straight... she claimed to be gay but not a lesbian. she has had more relationships with guys, but has only loved one person who was a girl... and i think she still does. This girl and I had a fucked up relationship for 2 years, until it went to hell this past new years when I walked in on her having drunken sex with another guy on the kitchen floor. We're trying to be friends, but it's hard; and up until about a month ago I was still struggling with moving on (which i suck at). I want to make it clear, that I was never angry with her for cheating or treating me like crap, just so so so hurt... I cried, didnt eat or sleep much for almost 3 weeks after she cheated. That semester was a blur.
As I was saying, up until just over a month ago I was coping with this other girl, when I check my iphone and it says i have a missed call. its from an unrecognized number... but something about the last 4 digits seems familiar to me. So I call it, and it's Kelly. She called me after two years of basically no contact... and I thought I had gotten over her with this other girl. (who was probably an emotional rebound from Kelly, the were very similar interms of what they've been through... but completely different interests. Both of them have been sexually abused by a family member, bipolar, all the issues that comes with not being straight and a female (luckily they're both Caucasian!LOLzing)
Since both Kelly and I don't drive (she's 20 im 22), the distance between us makes it hard to see each other. She came down to vancouver lat last early last month, after we had talked for hours almost every day for a week.) we had each other on Facebook, so I creeped her (which she had admitted to doing frequently later) and saw that her relationship status was with a girl who belonged to the New Zealand network. Seeing as how she's bi I wasnt sure if that was her having a girlfriend or just something for LOLz.
So we've seen each other ever weekend for the past 3 weeks now, she comes down to Vancouver twice: first on Saturday where she Cosplayed Reno from FFVII, when saying goodbye we kissed each other on the cheek, moved to the other one, but stopped with our lips so close. Looked into each others eyes, wanting to kiss each other for the first time ever in 9 years (almost 10 now)... but I said no. she nodded in agreement, we hugged tightly and she got on her bus.
When she had initially called and then we had talked for hours, I sent her a text the next day saying that I could risk falling for her again or reopening my feelings for her again. I'm still dealing with a previous relationships fallout. But you calling me has meant the world to me... i give all the best. i did this with tears coming down my cheeks. the next evening (this is before we met in vancouver), I was in bed and realized how much i still loved her and that my relationship with this other girl was an emotional rebound from Kelly. So I texted her saying that I had changed my mind, and if she still wanted to see me I would love to spend time with her again. The next day she called and we set up saturday's fun. (on a side not we're going to cosplay reno and rude and the PNE soon. So awesome.)
Getting back to our near kiss, we didnt talk to each other for a couple of days... so eventually I IM'd her on gmail and asked what if I hadn't said no when we were saying goodbye? she responded with i dont know... I still love my GF... I need to sort some thing out for myself.
The following Saturday she came to Vancouver and we spent the day on the Northshore, we ended the night at a North Van bar with live music (covers of JackJohnson). When we left we were both a bit drunk, she had decided to wear the Reno red wigg and had a lightsabre that she was going to make in to an EMR (geekery side note). Half way down to her dads place (she was going to stay in north van, and i was going to crash at a friends place) we stopped hugged very intimately, then i began to kiss and lick her neck she did the same. We sat down on a bench and just held each other, gently kissing each others neck and cheeks, with her saying every now and then "not on the lips". Eventually we made it down to her dads, we hugged and said good night. I walked up to my friends place (it was about midnight), and tried to get some sleep but my mind was racing.
Eventually I gave up, and began writing Kelly an email similar to my text message mentioned above, but more lovesick, confused, drunk, and guilty for almost making her cheat. She never responded to my email, except when i asked her about later. So i couldnt get to sleep, so i left my friend place at 2 am and walked all the way to horseshoebay, which is probably 20 km away. I was able to catch the 6am ferry back to my home.
Later, Kelly just attributed our intimacy to missing each other and alcohol. We also planned for me to come to her place. The following Thursday I did, and spent two nights and 1 day with her. Most amazing time ive had in probably over 5 years, the other being going to the triservice ball with her (which ended in me crying my eyes out cause i still loved her and had no idea how to stop. there too i walked to horseshoebay from north van. lolz)
Friday night, we decided to watch the complete FFVII advent children with a drinking game.. the rules were retarded..! XD. We ended having our first lip kiss (though she said no tongue). I asked her why she had called me after two years and she said because she was a mess, and confused... if any of her other friends new what she was like really, they'd hate her, and she knew that I would feel that way about her or hurt her. Plus she had really missed me. We ended up crying in each others arms, and I told her with lumps in my throat that I couldn't lose her again. She responded with, well you dont really get over your first love. That killed me, she really is my first love... and just to make sure she didnt no that it told her to look me in the eyes. I put my hands on her hips and put my nose to hers, eyes never looking away and said " Kelly, I love you.. and I don't think I stopped". We started to kiss again, but pushed each other away when it felt like we were going to have sex soon if we didn't. Looking at each other on the ground, she said she hadn't had sex in three years and was horny, but still loved her GF even though she's never met her. And that she was sorry for not ******* me tonight and that she didnt love me that way.... and hoped i would find some else. We said good night still somewhat crying, and she went to her bedroom. and I stayed in the guest room. some hours later I woke up and I found myself laying next to her in her bed, i dont remember how i got there (did she invite me later or did i make my way there?) she was asleep to, she just had a tank top on, and I found myself begin to caress her form, kissing her neck. she a woke and initially allowed me to enjoy her she began to move with me.. but then looked at me and just said **** i was trying to sleep, please vic can you go to your own room. i looked at her, feeling horrible about what i had almost done, what we had almost done. and then i went to my own bed.
In the morning, it was awkward, but we didnt talk about it, and we just got washed up, complained to each other about our hangover (& tried to show her mom how hung over we were!) and went to tim hortons for breakfast. We hugged tightly as we said goodbye and i loaded the bus back to vancouver. I silently cried on the way there... but later fell a sleep. we were on about 2 hrs of sleep.
With 9 yrs of history between us... this relationship means a lot to both of us (though I'm fairly sure she just wants friends with sparkage, I clearly want more. Everytime I've tried to get over her... I've failed. I can't lose her again.
I'm posting this, because i dont know what to do anymore. I love her dearly.. and i know she cares about me a lot too. I guess I'm just looking for comments, thoughts, advice and sharing of experiences. My parents are vehemently against us seeing each other, they want better for me, and don't believe I'm the type of person who can deal with a bipolar person (especially if I love them). They won't stop me from us seeing each other; however, they won't let her visit the house or stay over. I can't wait to see her again.
Posts: 3 | From: Vancouver | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
yeah so i was writing this running on emotion and not all the words are there. for instance when i texted her, i meant i couldnt risk falling for her again. and when we were crying in each others arms she said I would never feel that way about her or hurt her. I think there may be other errors... but common sense should still make this make some sense!
Posts: 3 | From: Vancouver | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
Thereís a whole lot of information in your explanation of the question, so Iím going to try to go through everything, but if I miss over something that you want touched on specifically, just let us know and we can always go back to it.
While thereís certainly a lot of history between the two of you, the issue right now is really more about the present than it is about the past Ė so thatís what Iím going to mostly focus on here. I do want to say, however, that feelings about a person really can change over time. So even if she was not specifically interested at the time, her feelings may have changed.
More importantly, though, is the fact that right now sheís in the middle of lot concerning a relationship already. I think one of the most telling comments that has come from her is where she said to you that she still loves her girlfriend, and has to sort some things out for herself. That says that while she is aware and has taken note of everything going on between the two of you, thereís still more that she needs to work through and make some decisions about first. Essentially, she asking for some time to do that, and itís a perfectly reasonable request. Itís also a request that as difficult as it may be considering how strongly you feel about her, you really need to be honoring for her. Sheís set up a boundary.
Iím not sure exactly what you mean about her never meeting her girlfriend. While a lot of people begin relationships with someone they met via the internet or through someone else, itís pretty difficult to really be in a dating relationship and consider that youíre very much in love with that person if youíve never actually met them.
It also sounds like while you have been friends for so many years, and thus you do want to spend time together, itís probably not best that the time together includes alcohol. I can see that it worried and hurt you to think that you woke up next to her and A) were not sure how you had gotten there and B) were uncomfortable with what happened on account of that; so, while it did happen in the past and you canít change it, you can work on keeping that from happening again.
I wanted to touch on something else about waking up next to her as well. It tends to be a pretty big boundary breaker when you begin something with someone that is not awake. With her not having been awake, or more formally fully awake, she did not have the ability to say no to any advance that you did make. A lot of partners, for instance, may find that they are comfortable with having the other person wake them, and once theyíre fully awake they can begin something together if thatís what both partners want. It might have been that when she sent you back to your own room she was then becoming fully awake and realizing that she was uncomfortable with what was happening.
I see you saying that in the morning it was awkward and thus you didnít talk about what happened, but I also donít see a great deal of open discussion about your relationship, boundaries, and both of your feelings at all in all of this. Thatís going to be a very important thing in understanding what both of you need and want in your relationship, whether it be friendship or more. It may be helpful to explain that youíre feeling like you both may be on a separate path with what youíre looking for from the other, and feel that it would be best to really sit down and talk things over so that you both can set up boundaries that youíre comfortable with. If she wants to figure out where her current relationship is first, thatís perfectly okay Ė and may actually give her a bit more insight into her relationship with you. Does this sound like something you may be able to do with her?
As for your parents, have they explained why they donít feel you would be good for her because of her having bipolar disorder? Understand that what you choose to do will be your decision, but sometimes understanding how our parents feel can allow us to bridge some of the gaps between us and them. It sounds like your caring for her has helped you as friends, and caring about a person can certainly help us to work through something like her bipolar disorder. But that takes a lot of learning and understanding on your part.
I think Iíve covered everything, but as I said above if I missed something you wanted touched on, or would like to talk more about this certainly feel free to post back. (on a side note, I see you did * out some of the words, but please try to remember language when posting Ė as detailed in the guidelines)
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
As i said, I was writing fueled by emotion... and missed some words. The first part of your message filled me with hope that she might change how she feels about me... which makes me feel so wonderful and conflicted because I also kind of believe my parents view of our relationship (thinking objectively and not by emotion, which i suck at).
Regarding her girlfriend, she met her while role playing online, and then began talking outside of that fictional format. They've never met outside of webcaming and she lives in new zealand. So that within itself is a lot to work through for her.
Also, I meant to say we weren't awkward around each other in the morning, we just went about as if nothing had happened, didn't talk about our kiss or the bed incident. But we talked about other stuff, and trying not let her mom know we were hungover... (feels like we're back in highschool sometimes... but we're both 20 or older.) So while it wasnt awkward, we didnt talk about it... which is not odd for us... we hardly ever talk about our friendship/relationship... i think because we know that it would shine a light on the only course of action: to not see each other any more. ( I feel 15 or 16 when I'm around her again [right now i'm listening to 15 by taylor swift... my itunes is on random I swear!!)
I still feel really crappy about waking up beside her and us groping each other. I agree with the boundaries between us... but they've never been to clear especially now.
I should point out that when I awoke beside her, I was still quite drunk, and apparently so was she. She doesn't remember if she invited me or if I came... but we are both glad we stopped each other. And while us being intoxicated, doesn't excuse our behaviour it does give some context and a possible explanation.
My parents have explained why they dont approve of my relationship with her. Statistically, relationships with bipolar people do not go or end well... it's a hard life for both people. And given my personality and how emotional I am, she'd ruin my life (which of course they don't want). Also, very few people make it work with their first love... and its been nine years with this between us. Based on passed behaviour, if nothings changed in 9 years, then it is unlikely to change in the future. Of course I would point out that it has changed, we've kissed. But they would counter with: because of her ailment, she needs to establish control in her life and this means manipulating people that can help her for a bit. In other words, she's using me because I'm nice, in love, and weak.
I'm studying business, and i have always taken comfort in evidence and empirical data.. so my parents point of view caries a lot of weight with me because they're my parents and their using numbers. I probably find models, and numbers comforting because that cold order balances out how emotional i am.
I just don't really know what to do. Do i protect myself and her by walking away and never seeing her again... or do we stay close? which is almost like torture to me! maybe to her too?
She called me about an hour ago (first time we've talked by phone since our drunken somewhat sexcapades). She was on her break, but gets off work at midnight and has to walk home (which is a 45 minute walk) through a bad part of town (she really misses living back where i live; so much safer). She's going through a stressful time, with the move/unpacking, mom's bf breaking his ribs, and her gf told her last night that she has swine flue. She asked if I was going to stay up past midnight.. and I said yes if she was going to call. she said she will.. to talk and let me know if she's walking or getting a cab.
on separate note, we're both going to the PRIDE parade in Vancouver this coming weekend. She's going to be in the parade, and we'll hang out later. She's going to be dressing up... she says its a bit slutty.. but its going to be really hot weather. Also its cosplay... I had hold back my urge to say drool to her about her costume. lolz.
i guess the main thing to this, is what should I do... leave or stay? it's quite simple in theoretical action... but what's the point of leaving if I'm just going to miss her so much and then 6 months she calls or I call and we start all over again. Also, she did say that I should find someone else, cause she loves me just not that way... followed by a kiss. yay conflicted messages and actions. Luckily both of us are older enough now not to resort to self injury or something, well im not anymore.. i believe she stopped a while ago.
Again comments, questions, and answers are greatly welcomed.
Posts: 3 | From: Vancouver | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.