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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » my lady and her body image

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Author Topic: my lady and her body image
aandwstud
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Member # 41323

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Hello, Im in an relationship now close to 7 months now and me and my lady have had sex. My thing is though it seems as if sh is not comfortable with her own body. She has had a tough childhood and has been treated badly abused and such so im thinking maybe that is the reason why she is so distant. but the thing is I tell her she is gorgeous every single day and i mean it i really do I tell her that No matter what she will always be an amazing woman and that I love her but she still calls herself ugly and fat and she is not she is just so gorgeous and sexy she is just amazing you know but she shelters herself frm me when we take showers together she even hides her stomache from me sometimes she even get undress n another room and she constantly wants the lights off during sex. I really love her and I tell her she is gorgeous every single day. How can I let her break out of the hold she has. How can I make her forget about the past and let her finally see that she is gorgeuos and that her woman see her as a beautiful amazing woman. . .

[ 12-17-2008, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: aandwstud ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Thing is, we can't "fix" our partners or their issues, whether it's body image or anything else. Not only are we not their therapists, things like this are places where we can be supportive, but ultimately, where it is our partner's own journey, and about their own work for themselves.

You can tell her as much as you want that she is beautiful, but for someone who just isn't feeling it, there's often no amount of times that will magically fix those feelings.

Too, abuse victims cannot forget about our pasts. They are part of who we are, abuse is not forgettable, and it often is our life's work to heal and deal with our scars from it.

So, what I'd suggest is, for one, honoring whatever boundaries she still feels she needs, such as needing the lights off. I'd also suggest letting her know this troubles you, and asking HER how you can help and if she wants that help.

Ideally, she's going to be best helped by someone more objective than you are who can help her do what she needs to for herself without having her own big stake in it. has she ever had any kind of counseling? If not, do you think it is something she would be open to?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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aandwstud
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Thank you for the advice, no she has not been in counseling but i do think she will be ok with going.
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aandwstud
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Well, just a little update I guess you can say. I talked to my lady about everything and she kinda flipped out and just broke down she just continues to think that she is ugly and she says that she doesnt understand why someone like me is with an ugly person. Im really getting frustrated because she is so gorgeous im trying to make her understand that i am going to love her if she is 150 lbs or 110 i will always love her. I ask her why she thinks the way she does and she says she does not knw she says she just keep thinking about the past and everthing she went through everything people said to her i tell her that nothing of that matters i tell her that she is not ugly at all she says she believes me but sometimes she just shuts down and just cry.
I understand I haave to let her see for herself that she is gorgeous but its just frustrating sometimes i just want to yell but i know i cant im in love with her and i dont want to let her go i just want her to know that she really is gorgeous. . .

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Heather
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Again, it sounds to me like what she really needs is a good counselor, particularly if this issue for her is about the abuse she survived.

You can't be that counselor for her: you likely don't have the training, and you also don't have the objectivity, which tends to make a big difference.

What you CAN do is support her in that endeavor, and whatever tools a counselor gives her to work with to help her heal and improve her self-esteem. It's also very important for you not to get frustrated (which I'd say includes not continually talking with her about this), or feel like this is about you in any way: it's not. This is about her.

Lastly, as I spoke to a bit in my other post, when we survive abuse, the things that happened to us DO matter. I hear you saying you are telling her they don't, but not only is that not true, not only does she know that they do, but you saying things like that can very easily be interpreted as you dismissing or diminishing what happened to her. Our pasts matter, the things we have lived through matter.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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aandwstud
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I understand what your saying and I appreciate it. Im definately going to get her some counseling I thing it will help both of us.

Thank you again [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I help you with a reword of that which is much more empowering for her?

YOU can't get her counseling. Only SHE can do that.

So, howsabout "I'm going to HELP her find counseling if that is what she wants, and support her in that."

[Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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