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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Virginity: an ever-ambiguous term

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Author Topic: Virginity: an ever-ambiguous term
Member # 23917

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So. Here's the deal: I haven't had partnered sex in the traditional sense (and it's not likely to happen soon), but I've been masturbating for, like, ever. I (rather like Juno) dislike the term "sexually active", because I feel like I'm a sexual being on my own. Likewise, I've generally steered away from thinking of myself as a virgin. I mean, yeah, I haven't had sex, but it's not like I haven't had orgasms before, and that doesn't seem very "virginal" to me.

Anyways, over the weekend I was with my girlfriend and I was sort of sitting in her lap with her arms around me. She was kissing my neck and touching my hair and other nice (but relatively tame) things, and I ended up coming from it. It was not a huge production kind of orgasm, and I'm pretty sure she didn't notice, nor did I say anything to her about it. It was a little awkward for me because I've never come with someone else, even though my girlfriend and I have done the same sort of kissing and more involved making out before. She has had orgasms a few times when I've been kissing her, but I guess they don't happen as easily for me.

I guess my question is, what does this mean for me? I mean, making out is not exactly sex, but making each other come is definitely a sexual thing. In a female same-sex relationship, when can you say you've had sex? I get that loads of things two women can do together can be considered sex, but is there some line you have to have crossed to call it your "first time"?

Posts: 406 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Thing is, intercourse doesn't feel like "sex" for everyone, nor does first intercourse feel like a real-deal "first time." So, the term "virginity" -- and for so many more reasons than that, including the fact that the most traditional definition was initially about property and paternity more than anything else -- is flawed for more than just us queer folks.

The same thing goes here that we always say about the idea of virginity: if you're going to use it, know it's arbitrary. It's up to you what is and isn't sex and up to you what you classify as your own sexual milestones, and there's no right one for everyone of any given orientation or any kind of relationship. And chances are, there will be more than one.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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I've always felt the same way about masturbation and "virginity."

When I hadn't had any partnered sexual experience I didn't feel like a virgin--I felt like a pervy sexpert because I masturbated a lot and read tons of erotica. Then when I was sexual with someone else for the first time I felt like a virgin because I felt overwhelmed and unable to talk about what I wanted or how I wanted to please the other person. I recently started cruising craigslist for sex, and I feel like a total virgin. So for me the feeling of virginity is closely tied up with feeling intimidated by people I perceive to be more "experienced"...I'm definitely not saying that's a good thing, just how I feel. The word "virgin" is stuck in my head as a descriptor of these feelings (experienced vs. inexperienced, confident vs. anxious), so for better or worse, I often fluctuate between feeling more or less like a virgin.

I think virginity is a totally arbitrary, usually destructive term, and I like the idea of conceptualizing things as milestones instead. For me, it was significant when I was in my first relationship where I was regularly having sex with another girl completely naked. It was the completely naked part, the regularity, and the familiarity with her body, which made it feel like a milestone to me.

Other milestones:
-talking to a partner about our sexual relationship when we were not being sexual
-talking about a fantasy I felt ashamed of
-buying lube in a drug store
-having a parent see me in bed (not having sex) with a partner
-having an orgasm outdoors
-going in a sex toy store
-going in a gay bookstore
-getting gay-bashed (homophobic slur from a stranger)
-passing as a boy
-rimming a partner
-living with a partner

[ 10-29-2008, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39023

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I also haven't had partnered sex, but I am totally a sexual being on my own, in my opinion, virginity really doesn't matter, what matters are the significant sexual and intimate times you have alone and with a partner and there's no reason to put a label on any of it.

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Posts: 16 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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