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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Is there a name for how I feel?

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Author Topic: Is there a name for how I feel?
lozzy57
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Member # 38279

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Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could help me out with a word here. I identify myself as straight, because I'm in a locing long-term sexual relationship with my boyfriend (I'm a girl). I am however, sexually attrcted to women, and have been for sometime, but I know I don't want a romantic relationship with any of them, even if my boyfriend wasn't on the scene.

I don't think this fits the definaition of bi, or certainly not my definition of it, because I believe that bi people should be capable of being romantically attracted to members of both sexes, not just physically attracted.

So is there a name for this? Or do i just have disillusions of what it means to be bi?

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Bisexuality is defined as a sexual and/or romantic (sometimes called affectional) attraction to men as well as women. It's more about what a person feels and less about what a person chooses in relationships. Too, it's actually pretty tough to separate sexual feelings from emotional ones entirely, because one aspect of sexuality is emotional. We may or may not make certain commitments in sexual relationships, or may not be "in love" with or love everyone we have sex with, but you can't really have sex without engaging emotions, because sexuality is made of many factors, including emotional and interpersonal factors.

Lots of bisexual people don't ever engage in a relationship with a member of the same sex (though that's often about both opportunity as well as cultural bias and homophobia). But too, know that it's not atypical for people to define what is 'romantic" as only being opposite-sex since so often people are raised having it defined that way, and too, sexuality is fluid. It's kind of a never-say-never thing. Plenty of people who feel they won't have a given romantic attraction at one point in their lives are later surprised, just as plenty of people who expect to only want certain things can find those wants change as time goes by and situations and experiences change.

It might also be worth asking yourself why you wouldn't want a romantic relationship with a woman and would want it to be only sexual, if anything. Is that simply because you haven't ever felt emotional affection for women, or is that because you somehow feel like there is something inappropriate or unromantic about that other aspect of a relationship? None of that is to say any given person must have X or Y type of relationship with another person, but rather to say it can sometimes be enlightening to think about these things.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lozzy57
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Member # 38279

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I dont feel that a romantic relationship with a woman is wrong at all, I just really feel that at the moment I'm not capable of having a romantic relationship with a woman.

I realise of course that all parts of sex does involve emotions, but I mean that I never love the women I've done things with, and sometimes even liked them any other way than physically.

Yuck..

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, I'd suggest you might consider liking someone a pretty basic requirement for having sex with them of any kind. You say "yuck" about it, so I'm assuming you're not so okay with that yourself.

For sure, sometimes we might have sex with people we even dislike: hate-sex or sex where we just shut out who someone is happens, but it may also be that you're simply not choosing women to be with the same way you'd choose men. Most people don't make a habit of sleeping with people they don't care for at all or like and find that over time that's particularly healthy for one or both people. Someone ignoring who you are to have sex with you can actually be pretty ooky, and those gals you dislike probably aren't signing unto sex with the knowledge or idea that you don't even like them very much. This is something I'd just have a look at, were it a pattern I found myself in.

Do you typically choose to be sexual with men you don't care for or don't like? How might you think about that? or what if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one someone was fooling around with who they didn't even like?

Do you expect that sex with someone you don't care for or dislike is really going to be all that enjoyable, or find it surprising you don't have romantic feelings at all in choosing women as partners who you don't like? Do you think you might even possibly be choosing women as partners who you don't like in order to avoid developing feelings for them you're afraid of?


Regardless, bisexual is bisexual is bisexual. If you feel attraction to both men and women and engage in sexual relationships with both, that's bisexuality we're talking about. Whether or not you'll always feel the way you do about romances with women is up for grabs, especially given you're young and it seems like you've also chosen partners where that's not something that'd be a possibility anyway -- we tend to have to like before we can love, and we also have to be open to that love to experience it -- but even if you always feel exactly as you do right now, that's bisexuality.

[ 05-06-2008, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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