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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Girlfriend's feelings of sexual inadequacy

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Author Topic: Girlfriend's feelings of sexual inadequacy
Member # 24757

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My girlfriend and I have been together around seven months, we've been sexual for around six, and we have the most amazing chemistry I have ever experienced. We communicate on all levels, verbal and non-verbal. However, recently something of an issue has developed regarding sex. We go through phases - sometimes we have sex frequently, sometimes only a couple of times a month. At the moment we're going through one of the latter phases, and I, to be completely honest, want more. I am hopelessly attracted to her and long to touch her and kiss her and make love to her, but sexual moments become fewer and farther between, even mere intimate touching. I long for simply a kissing session!

There are many reasons why things have reached this point. We've had the most hideous trimester ever at university, in which I had change of course angst and she suffered from a recurrence of clinical depression, resulting in some very dificult times for both of us. Exams have just been around and we've both been under a lot of stress and pressure the whole year, and beset by various illnesses. It's not summer anymore; gone are those days of fresh pulsing romance. Reality has indeed sunk in, and along with it her sex drive has gone out of the window.

Or at least I can't figure out whether her sex drive really has gone out the window or she's just avoiding sex for fear of inadequacy. This is a quite deep-set fear of hers - she constantly says how much she sucks at doing me, how she doesn't know what she's doing, how she feels ashamed and inadequate unless she is, and I quote, "brilliant". If I take a long time to come, or don't appear to have enjoyed it, she takes it hard, shuts off, and instead of enjoying the glorious afterglow we are both unhappy.

But I clearly don't expect her to be brilliant every time, and that's an impossible thing - all I want is to enjoy intimacy with the girl I love. It's true we're both sexually inexperienced, each other's first girlfriend, and I still haven't figured out exactly what makes me see fireworks. I do know, however, every touch from her, every kiss, sets me on fire. It is the intensity of my feeling for her that makes the experience magical, not some special technique or a stumbled-upon great sexual prowess on her part. SHe is a perfectionist in every area of life, this no less, and although I have talked to her about it at some length she cannot let go of these feelings of inadequacy.

It doesn't help that I feel somehow unreasonable for wanting more intimacy. I feel almost like there's something wrong with me for being so attracted to her, for wanting her in every way. I guess this stems from my own lack of confidence. It stops me from bringing this up to really discuss it, not the least because she would probably take it hard, and feel even more inadequate that I am not satisfied.

We are tangled right up as you can see. I am thinking that the solution is simply some good solid communication, but things are complicated and it is a difficult topic to broach. It's not like she isn't as attracted to me as I am to her or that the relationship is unequal. It's just that a whole lot of convoluted emotional stuff has developed, as it is wont to do, and I'm left not knowing where to go from here.

To add to it all, she also feels inadequate when I masturbate, particularly if she's in the vicinity. Guilt when doing myself is something very unfamiliar indeed to me, and yet now I'm feeling a bit of that too...

Ah, I have rambled enough. Issues issues! Any words of wisdom?

Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29206

Icon 1 posted      Profile for not_a_hobgoblin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you tried to tell her the things you're telling us? Even if not all at once, these are things she'd probably appreciate hearing. I know that just one little comment from my girlfriend about how I make her feel can make me float for the rest of the day.

If you are telling her these things, and she's not believing you... At the most basic level, our feelings of self-worth aren't decided by others. She has to accept your judgements over her own if she wants to feel better about her persormance or her sexual worth, and only she can decide to stop judging herself so harshly.

Something else you said, however, makes me doubt that fear of inadequacy is the only or even the main factor in her low sex drive. A very common symptom of clinical depression is a sex drive so low as to be nonexistant; that chemical imbalance, combined with all the other stresses you talk about, is enough to get anyone out of the mood. Maybe the best way to show her that her touch means so much to you is to not push her so hard for it. If you let her call the shots, not only will she more likely be enjoying your interaction more, she'll feel more in control, and that should help her deal with any feelings of inadequacy holding her back.

Hope I helped; good luck and don't be afraid to ask questions!

"Cut her down."
"She is a witch!"
"But she's our witch. Cut her down."

Posts: 174 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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