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Author Topic: urgh relationship stress
astrocyte
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So, I don't know if this is actually something anyone will be able to help me with, but I think it will help me to vent a bit..

I am in my first ever same-sex relationship, it started to be something non-platonic about 3 months ago. Last weekend we went out clubbing/carnival-ing/drinking and my significant-otherly girl (Girlfriend? just sounds so high school. I am going to refer to her as s/o from now on. ) was quite enthusiastically hit on by another woman.

They ended up kissing for a rather long time in front of me. Not something I was happy about.

BUT we had never really discussed boundaries of that kind, and we had all had lots to drink. Later we talked about it. Turned out we had both thought the other person wanted us to be non-exclusive and been secretly not delighted about that, so we agreed to try being exclusive. That was sort of the end of it, except that i realised a day later that I was more hurt by it than I had thought.

I decided I really just needed to tell her that, and then it would be off my chest and things would be ok again. I couldn't in the course of the week because she is working ridiculous hours, and as a result I had trouble sleeping and concentrating at my own work. It was my first week at university too and I ended up having self-esteem-issue related freakouts and not really talking to anyone there.

I'm thinking now that I was overreacting but I don't think it is unreasonable to want to talk.. The thing is now I feel bad about raising anything like that with her because she is in a really stressful situation with her job; being overworked, underpaid, not sleeping enough and the like. So what she really needs is support not me being mad at her. I felt really unable to give her that when i saw her most recently (last night) though, so it is like a catch-22 situation.. If anyone has any advice/feedback, even just ways to not think about it for awhile, please let me know!

[ 03-04-2007, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: rosegeranium ]

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curiosity13
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I think it is important that you feel closure on this situation (her making out with someone else). If you just keep it inside then you could end up with pent up anger at her for a long time.

I do think that you would be able to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way. Like not be MAD but just tell her that you were hurt by what happened. I'm sure that the last thing you want to do is fight...and it seems like NOT telling her that you were hurt by what she did would lead to unhappiness on your part (and possibly a lot of silly fights as a result). If you get this off your chest, you'll be able to move on in the relationship and leave what happened behind.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it all goes well!

[ 03-04-2007, 04:06 AM: Message edited by: curiosity13 ]

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feefiefofemme
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I'd absolutely try and talk to her about the situation. It's important in a relationship that you be able to talk to each other about things like this that bother you. Do try very hard not to seem like you're placing any blame on her when you do so, though. You know, using "I feel like..." statements rather than "You did this..." statements.

Good luck!

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feefiefofemme
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I'd absolutely try and talk to her about the situation. It's important in a relationship that you be able to talk to each other about things like this that bother you. Do try very hard not to seem like you're placing any blame on her when you do so, though. You know, using "I feel like..." statements rather than "You did this..." statements.

Good luck!

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astrocyte
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Thanks. I think you're both right, thing is she is now not returning calls or any other attempts to contact her. And i do not want to come across as an annoying pushy clingy person who will not give her space..and generally it is really hard to do anything right now because I don't know what she wants. Le sigh [Frown]
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Ecofem
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I'm sorry she hasn't gotten back in touch with you, rosegeranium. [Frown] (From these posts, it seem that communication general is an issue for you two.) Because you are still in a relationship with each other, I think she owes you some sort of reply, be it "Hey, I need some space now." How much are you calling her? What message have you been leaving?
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astrocyte
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Ecofem - I have called her cellphone several times today and yesterday, but I think her battery did die at one stage, and she has no money on her phone to get at her messages. I rang her house today. Also last night sent her an email saying how I felt, and that I need a bit of communication if this is going to work for me. I don't know if I should have done that but I had to do something. It worked slightly for me because now I am able to think about something else, like the fact that due to being incapable of just telling myself to get over it and do work, I am now really behind in uni stuff already. Am I melodramatic to be thinking about going to see a counselor or something?
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Surferchk07
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I think you need to just give her some space maybe for a week? Just dont call/email/text whatever her and see what happens? Maybe she just needs some more time. But dont stop your life for her, you should never do that in any relationship. Got to keep up that schooling, and keep up the work and after that comes the relationship other wise if the relationship did end your stuck with nothing because you didnt keep up with University.

I honestly dont see anything wrong with you going to talk to a counselor it could be good for you to be able to get all this out to some more people.

--------------------
Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

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Ecofem
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I agree with Elizabeth here about taking a break from contacting her. I agree that it's crappy she just cut off contact with an explanation or mention she wanted a break, but it seems like that's how it's going to be for now. As for the calling, I would have recommended just once or twice a day total, but that's water over the dam. The email was a very good move; I'd wait for her to contact you now.

I'd also really work on catching up in your uni work; just start wherever you can and you'll get back on track before you know it. It's ok to think about the situation or to think about her, but just give yourself a minute or so and tell yourself: "OK, back to work."

And, like Elizabeth said, by all means talk to a counselor about this and anything else, such as uni concerns. Any relationship funk can be tough and the fact that this was your first same-sex relationship brings up even more feelings and challenges to work out.

I reread your first post and had to think: Are you really getting what you want from this relationship regardlessly? You seem like a very caring person from your various posts here; it's good to support our partners in stressful situations... but what about you? You certainly deserve support in a time like this yourself! So please talk to a counselor as well as reach out to local friends and acquaintances if you can.

All this going on at once (relationship stress, starting uni, work, etc.) is a LOT for once person to handle. You mention it's completely on your mind but you seem to have your feelings in good perspective here. Please give yourself some credit for this as well as realize it'll be easier/clearer in a bit. [Smile]

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astrocyte
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Ahh thanks Lena & Elizabeth. She finally got in touch with me,( a text), talked about ringing me & didn't so i got sick of waiting and went round to her house. We talked and came to the conclusion that she is really not sure what she wants, and is going to get some counselling action herself.

She has given notice and is being bullied at work, but will not just stop showing up because she is phobic about being unprofessional. Yet she is ok about being crap and non-communicatey in her relationships..well realises it is not cool but I don't see it changing a lot any time soon.

Anyway, we have agreed to be more friends-based at least until she has sorted life out a bit. It makes me sad/unsure about future of relationship that she needs that kind of distance. But at least she was able to say so.. Also she had been frustrated because she wanted to be more out & go to gay bars and stuff, and had just assumed I would not be comfortable with that, not asked me or anything..and I am terrible at saying things when not asked, and was just not wanting to make her be my queerness mentor person AND be involved with me. Gah.

quote:
Are you really getting what you want from this relationship regardlessly?
Yeah you are right to ask this, Lena. I am not too sure..it seem like she needs someone who is going to run after her. And I reeeally like her, but not enough to drive myself insane doing that.

I am going to still be her friend and be supportive, as much as I can if she does not contact me, and hope her situation improves, and see how things go. And talk to a counsellor if I start feeling crap again or maybe just do it anyway. [Frown]

And yeah I do have awesome supportive friends,they are all straight as far as I know but all who I have told are great for listening to me rant and stuff.

[ 03-14-2007, 05:17 AM: Message edited by: rosegeranium ]

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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by rosegeranium:
Ahh thanks Lena & Elizabeth. She finally got in touch with me,( a text), talked about ringing me & didn't so i got sick of waiting and went round to her house. We talked and came to the conclusion that she is really not sure what she wants, and is going to get some counselling action herself.

She has given notice and is being bullied at work, but will not just stop showing up because she is phobic about being unprofessional. Yet she is ok about being crap and non-communicatey in her relationships..well realises it is not cool but I don't see it changing a lot any time soon.

You know, I see a pattern here in terms of communication from her side. There's a lot of stuff in life that's unjust, such as bullying; however, it's not going to stop (unfortunately) until someone says something. This sounds like a horrible situation for her, but she needs to do something about it; she has outside support to do so. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that there seem to be major bad communication issues in many aspects of her life.

Seeing a counselor would be absolutely the right thing for her-- after all, it's not your job. I understand that she isn't sure what she wants from the relationship/life right now but keeping you so in the dark isn't kind. (You could call it not being respectful, too, in a way.)

quote:
Anyway, we have agreed to be more friends-based at least until she has sorted life out a bit. It makes me sad/unsure about future of relationship that she needs that kind of distance. But at least she was able to say so..
And you're able to say you aren't ok with that arrangement. The idea of just being friends sounds good on paper, but it'd seem really hard for you considering how you feel now.

quote:
Also she had been frustrated because she wanted to be more out & go to gay bars and stuff, and had just assumed I would not be comfortable with that, not asked me or anything..and I am terrible at saying things when not asked, and was just not wanting to make her be my queerness mentor person AND be involved with me. Gah.
Well, that's a really tough role for her to play; honestly, maybe she just wants a break from it? It's not you, but the position, and I can imagine it's especially hard with her added stress.

quote:
Are you really getting what you want from this relationship regardlessly?
[/quote]Yeah you are right to ask this, Lena. I am not too sure..it seem like she needs someone who is going to run after her. And I reeeally like her, but not enough to drive myself insane doing that.[/quote]And that's totally fine to think and not selfish, I swear.

quote:
I am going to still be her friend and be supportive, as much as I can if she does not contact me, and hope her situation improves, and see how things go. And talk to a counsellor if I start feeling crap again or maybe just do it anyway. [Frown]

And yeah I do have awesome supportive friends,they are all straight as far as I know but all who I have told are great for listening to me rant and stuff.

You can go to a counselor regardless; I'd really look into this. I have to go but what I'll say is: This relationship just doesn't seem as beneficial as it should be to either of you right now. Actually, I think it's even a bad relationship for you two to be in. You both have taken on each other's emotional burdens, but in a heavy rather than helpful way-- they're weighing you both down. And this whole lack of communication/talking problems is really bad for a relationship. Even not-so-talkative people can really open up and communicate in a good relationship; maybe not tons but you two can get across what you want. And that just doesn't seem to be happening here. In any case, I know it's a lot of stuff to have to figure out; take your time, I wish you the best... just remember that putting your needs first can be the best for both people.
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astrocyte
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Wow that must have taken ages to write, thanks, and I think you have a point [Smile]
Below is just me musing, and does not require an urgent reply or anything like that.

quote:
Well, that's a really tough role for her to play; honestly, maybe she just wants a break from it? It's not you, but the position, and I can imagine it's especially hard with her added stress.

I meant to say, I thought I had really been focusing on NOT putting her in that role. But maybe it did not work out that way for her. Although, when I brought this up, she sounded like she had no idea what I was talking about.

QUOTE] Anyway, we have agreed to be more friends-based at least until she has sorted life out a bit. It makes me sad/unsure about future of relationship that she needs that kind of distance. But at least she was able to say so..

And you're able to say you aren't ok with that arrangement. The idea of just being friends sounds good on paper, but it'd seem really hard for you considering how you feel now.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah..whenever I have this kind of conversation it seems like it takes my brain about 24 hours to actually process it and for me to know what I really think. It is kind of a non-issue right now due to the extreme lack of contact in general.

quote:
I understand that she isn't sure what she wants from the relationship/life right now but keeping you so in the dark isn't kind. (You could call it not being respectful, too, in a way.)

Yep, that's exactly how it is. And in the end, it is just going to make it really hard for me to trust her. Not to mention her communication skills messing up her own life, but you are right, I am not going to take on her problems to such a degree anymore.

I am going to set up seeing a counsellor tomorrow, and also try to find out for le s/o if she can get cheap counselling without being a tertiary student, solely because she has no time/energy. Other than that I am going to take a step back from all this & not pursue it anymore..I am sort of friends with her friends now and still want to be in touch with them, but don't see why that can't work. I don't think this is a situation people need to take sides over or anything.

Anyway, I am finding it a lot easier to concentrate on uni stuff now, and I really appreciate the feedback/help you both have given me .

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