posted
Hello! This is not the first forum that I have joined regarding sexuality. I am also a member of shybi.com (for bisexual/bicurious WOMEN 18 or older ONLY). We talk a lot about coming out, naturally, but many of the ladies there (including myself) are of the belief (and I am personally of the STRONG belief) that it is not at all necessary to come out. Not just tomorrow, or 10 years down the road, but EVER. Therefore, I don't plan on coming out at all (technically, I've told one person...my old high school English teacher, but I personally don't really see telling one person as "coming out". It's coming out to one person, but it's not coming out, know what I mean?) Seeing as I am new to this board, I wanted to know what people here thought. :-D
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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How do you define "coming out"? If you mean it in the "gather around your loved ones and pull out a speech that took you two weeks to write", then yes, I agree with you: that is not at all necessary. Personally, I think that you really only need to "come out" if you want to make something verbally clear to someone who isnt' sure about you. But do you really need to announce your sexuality to the world? Not really.
-------------------- "You almost look like a... a.... not a woman..." -- Oriental Occultist, The Incredibly Cool Club Posts: 45 | From: a very nice, well-aerated closet | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:"gather around your loved ones and pull out a speech that took you two weeks to write",
*laughs* you're funny...:-D and no, that's not my view of coming out. It's just a nice sized amount of people knowing that I am bi, and me telling them personally, not them finding out cuz they randomly came across my xanga page and saw me talking about my sexuality (not that I would do that, I have friends on there I wouldn't want to know). Because if you think about it, telling one person isn't coming out because that still leaves the gazillion and one other people in your life (family and friends) in the dark. Of course, if someone here has a different opinion, then that's cool. But that's my view on what coming out means. Of course, I would tell my sexual partner (or partners, probably will just be partner though...one at a time lol), but I personally don't feel everyone needs to know the privacy of my sexual life.
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
When your relationships are ONLY sexual, that's likely so. Goodness knows most of us at some age have had or will have had lovers we don't tell others about.
But since for many queer folks, our same-sex relationships aren't just sexual, and can turn into longer-term serious relationships like those of heterosexuals, things tend to get a bit more difficult when it comes to staying in the closet at that point. Just like anyone else, for those of us who are queer, our same-sex relationships run a wide range, and don't only exist in bed or only in terms of sex.
Even if one partner feels better that way, it may leave the other feeling like a dirty secret, or like they, or their orientation, is something to be ashamed of (especially since not being out doesn't mean your sexuality is unknown to others: it just means you'll be assumed to be heterosexual). It can be hard to have your family and friends calling your serious partner "your little friend," for instance, or treating a couple that way. One or both partners not being out can make a relationship feel unacknowledged as important.
Of course, if you get serious enough that property, insurance and/or kids are in the mix, things get even more complex and difficult per being in the closet.
To boot, more people being out helps us to acquire rights we don't have: without visibility, it's awfully tough to get them. The more folks who live "stealth," the harder it can be to have homosexuality and bisexuality seen as anything BUT just about what we do in our bedrooms.
Who knows, you may always feel this way, and it may always be something that works for you and your partners. If you haven't had partners yet, or if, for you, your bisexuality is ONLY about sex, obviously, your perspective is going to differ on some of these issues. That isn't to say it isn't okay for some pople (and for some, literally physically safer) to NOT be out if that doesn't feel right to them, but it is to say that often our perspectives change when something becomes more material than abstract or hypothetical.
[ 08-22-2006, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Miz Scarlet: When your relationships are ONLY sexual, that's likely so. Goodness knows most of us at some age have had or will have had lovers we don't tell others about.
But since for many queer folks, our same-sex relationships aren't just sexual, and can turn into longer-term serious relationships like those of heterosexuals, things tend to get a bit more difficult when it comes to staying in the closet at that point. Just like anyone else, for those of us who are queer, our same-sex relationships run a wide range, and don't only exist in bed or only in terms of sex.
Even if one partner feels better that way, it may leave the other feeling like a dirty secret, or like they, or their orientation, is something to be ashamed of (especially since not being out doesn't mean your sexuality is unknown to others: it just means you'll be assumed to be heterosexual). It can be hard to have your family and friends calling your serious partner "your little friend," for instance, or treating a couple that way. One or both partners not being out can make a relationship feel unacknowledged as important.
Of course, if you get serious enough that property, insurance and/or kids are in the mix, things get even more complex and difficult per being in the closet.
Who knows, you may always feel this way, and it may always be something that works for you and your partners. If you haven't had partners yet, or if, for you, your bisexuality is ONLY about sex, obviously, your perspective is going to differ on some of these issues. That isn't to say it isn't okay for some pople (and for some, literally physically safer) to NOT be out if that doesn't feel right to them, but it is to say that often our perspectives change when something becomes more material than abstract or hypothetical.
Thank you for responding as well *likes responses* To clear the air, I have never had a relationship of any kind, romantic or sexual. I am a virgin and have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I do not want things to be purely sexual (at least not most of the time). It seems that I will just have to find someone like-minded, because I personally would rather not come out. There is something else I would like to say, that may come as a shock to someone out there in internet world.
quote:To boot, more people being out helps us to acquire rights we don't have: without visibility, it's awfully tough to get them. The more folks who live "stealth," the harder it can be to have homosexuality and bisexuality seen as anything BUT just about what we do in our bedrooms.
I personally don't feel there is a "cause" out there. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the LGBT civil rights fight, but I personally do not want to be a part of that, so it means nothing to me. I don't mean to offend anyone here that may be active in it, but this is me, for my life, and my life alone.
But thank you for your insight-I really enjoyed reading your post.
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:I personally don't feel there is a "cause" out there. I'm not saying there is nothing wrong with the LGBT civil rights fight, but I personally do not want to be a part of that, so it means nothing to me. I don't mean to offend anyone here that may be active in it, but this is me, for my life, and my life alone.
Just understand you're likely to meet some resentment with this attitude if you feel that way, but still want to enjoy, then, the rights others have earned FOR you and maintain on your behalf, which is a pretty valid gripe.
What you've said here isn't shocking. To be frank, a lot of people (especially younger people who take some right and freedoms for granted) have the attitude with any number of things in which they want to enjoy rights fought for by others, but don't want to help sustain the rights they enjoy themselves. This is a large part of why often these battles are so tough to win, and why our rights (in any regard, when we're a minority class) can be so tough to protect and sustain.
[ 08-22-2006, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
What rights would I be using? I'm in the closet...lol (not laughing at you, sorry)
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Well, for instance, you're in a public venue right now in which you could be identified very easily by outside sources, stating you're bisexual.
If certain battles hadn't been fought, doing that alone in the past could/would have put your job, your education, your housing, your standing in a community at a very serious risk. If certain battles hadn't been fought, you'd have been unlikely to find a public forum where you could say that without being harassed and called all sorts of names.
If certain battles hadn't been fought, then later down the line when you have a sexual partner who is same-sex, if, say, you had children, that discovery could have (and in some places is still) been used to take your kids away from you.
This is tip of the iceberg stuff, and I haven't time today to do a timeline of GLBT rights and the struggle for them, but if you aren't informed about this stuff/history, it might be hasty to say you don't believe there's a fight to fight here.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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quote:If certain battles hadn't been fought, then later down the line when you have a sexual partner who is same-sex, if, say, you had children, that discovery could have (and in some places is still) been used to take your kids away from you.
This will never be me, I can assure you of that.
However, I think I am being misunderstood. I never said there isn't a fight to fight-I'm not an idiot (not saying you implied I was one). I just don't want to be a part of the fight, and if that means coming out, then you can leave me out of the fight. I think I am entitled to that right, not as a bisexual, but as a human being.
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
But it might be a partner of yours, or another GLBT person you care about.
Absolutely, you're entitled to choose what political/personal issues you give your time and attention to and involve yourself in.
Simply saying that for many GLBT folks -- some of which will be your potential partners -- not being out can be a very real issue in this regard, both interpersonally and politically.
From a personal vantage point, I have never been willing to date anyone who isn't out to some degree. I don't want to be with a partner who looks over their shoulder before they hold my hand in the street, who identifies themselves to everyone as something or someone they aren't (either outright or by default), or who introduces me to friends and families as a platonic friend when I'm their girlfriend, especially since my partners have often enjoyed/do often enjoy the benefits of MY being entirely out, including the bennies of some of my activist work in this regard.
But there are some folks out there who feel exactly as you do, too.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Simply saying that for many GLBT folks -- some of which will be your potential partners -- not being out can be a very real issue in this regard, both interpersonally and politically.
Totally understandable, which is exactly why I say I will then only pursue like-minded people, which I believe should always be done in all aspects of a relationship.
quote:From a personal vantage point, I have never been willing to date anyone who isn't out to some degree. I don't want to be with a partner who looks over their shoulder before they hold my hand in the street, who identifies themselves to everyone as something or someone they aren't (either outright or by default), or who introduces me to friends and families as a platonic friend when I'm their girlfriend, especially since my partners have often enjoyed/do often enjoy the benefits of MY being entirely out, including the bennies of some of my activist work in this regard.
Once again, totally understandable. I can understand your POV. A part of me wishes I could be that way, but I know it's not for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't tell other people in my life, only that I don't want a large majority of people knowing. I know some people in my life have suspected (loooong story about my roommate from last year *gets annoyed* and a couple of my cousins (around my age), but that's it. May be one day I will change my mind, but I can assure you I highly doubt it.
Anyway, thanks for responding and being understanding. I know some people would just attack me (the meanies).
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Sorry bout this double post, I would like to add something. Because I do agree with fighting for the rights of the LGBT community (I hope that was never misconstrued), I would support its cause. What my true feelings in my heart are, I don't want to support it by coming out. I feel that is something personal that I should be able to keep to myself if I choose to. However, I would give money (if it was needed), maybe lend a hand or two on campus (I go to Rutgers University), but no one needs to know I'm bisexual. I just don't think it's necessary.
Hope that helps someone in deciphering my opinions, so no one bites me, lol...
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Nobody here would jump up and bite you for the political and social issues you choose to follow and advocate, so long as it's not imposed on anybody. Which you didn't.
And yes, there are ways you can help out without "coming out". I'm a (mostly) hetro person, and I love to participate in rallies, petitions, and protests with the LGBT crowd. My orientation has only rarely been questioned, and when it is I usually reply that my orientation matters little; what does is that the rights of other people are respected and taken at face value.
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
i never blogged or used message boards so for give me if this is the wrong why to ask a question but I was wonder if someone could help me out with this, im a 21 year old female and i have boyfriend but when i masterbate I need to think of women or watch girl on girl porn does that make me bisexual?
Posts: 1 | From: nj | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
hello tornupinside...It's okay...you should have made your own thread for this subject (just go to the bottom of the page and click "New Topic")...
As far as your question is concerned, a few months ago I would say yes, you may be bi curious (which is curious about being bisexual, but not necessarily actually bi). A part of me still wants to say yes, you may be bi, but you define your sexuality (just saying that makes me shudder, lol). Technically, the definition of bisexual is the ability to be sexually attracted to both genders. So if you find yourself attracted to both male and female, maybe you want to consider yourself bisexual. If you don't feel that you fit the bill, then you can consider yourself straight (and don't deny your sexuality just because of what society thinks, only if you really don't think of yourself as bi). I would personally define you as bisexual, but it's ultimately your choice whether you go by a label or not.
Maybe one of the mods can move this into its own thread?
-------------------- I'm lovely I'm beautiful I love myself I need me Before I need anyone else Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006
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