I know I can't tell her I'm potentially bisexual because she'll always judge me from here on out. Keep in mind I am turning 20.
At any rate, I went downstairs, and she asked if I had plans for my birthday? Was I going to take off work?
I told her I planned on taking off work.
She asked if I had plans and I told her yes... that I was going to go hang out at Nicole's (my gf she doesn't know about) Mom's beach house.
A conversation ensued that went something like this:
Mom: Oh. So... when were you planning on doing that?
Me: I don't know. Nicole asked me to go stay over so... I was hoping I could go.
Me: Saturday and Sunday... Some mutual friends of ours are coming over and hanging out and we're gonna go have a girls night out Saturday night (which is why I was hoping to stay on Sunday... y'know... bars ard all).
Mom: Yeah, sure, that's fine. So tell me... is Nicole a lesbian?
Me: What? No.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: Mom, she's had boyfriends.
Mom: Well... who are your friends? Are they all a bunch of lesbians?
Me: What?! No! And even if they were why would it matter?!
Mom: Because if they were, then I wouldn't want you going hanging out with all of them and fooling around or whatever.
Me: That's ridiculous.
Mom: That'd be like me letting you go spend the night and hang out with a bunch of guys. I mean... are you lesbian?
Mom: What was with that letter then?
Me: Nothing. It was just an unconscious freewrite...
Mom: Well, now every time I hear you say Nicole that's all I think about... is that she's a lesbian. And you know... if you are, that's ok too. I just want you to level with me on this. I mean, there have been so many clues about you. I don't think I've seen you dress feminine in 10 years.
Me: Even if she were, you shouldn't judge her like that. You shouldn't judge people like that period Mom. It's just rude. And I feel as if your stereotyping is an attack on my person because I just dress in jeans and a t-shirt. It's ocmfortable for me.
Mom: It's not an attack, I'm just saying... and I will ALWAYS stereotype. There are steotypes for a reason Nicole. I mean... I always offer to buy you clothes and make up and froo froo stuff, but you just were never interested...
Me: Look Mom, me being interested in certain types of clothes or behaviors has nothing to do with my sexual orientation...
Mom: But it all adds up Nicole. I mean, I call it like I see it I guess.
Me: Ok, well, Diana is a lesbian and she's the most froo froo, hoochie girl I know... I mean, you don't believe me and that's frustrating. I think I would know my own orientation of all people. And besides, my being interested in different clothes has nothing to do with sexual identity, it has to do with what culture I consider myself apart of. That culture happens to be a simple subculture that doesn't judge people based on stereotypes and preconceived notions... I happen to like those types of open-minded people.
Mom: Yeah but you just have a lot of freinds and stuff that are gay or lesbian or bisexual or transexual...
Me: I personally have no friends that are transexual, I just told you about Rebekah's family (who is straight), which is where you pulled most of those orientations from...
Mom: No it's not.[Shakes her head] I hate your school. I think it's a school full of gays. It's just like... a gay school.
Me: That is rather quick of you to judge an entire population of 2,400 students...
I can't really remember what happened from there, basically the same thing over and over again. But after that last comment about my school, I just got so angry, I got calm and pretty much became automated. MY PARENTS were the ones that wanted me to go to that stupid school in the first place! That place that's going to put me in debt. And the fact that my mother will never get past stereotypes is a sad reality. The comment about my school being gay set me off because the whole time, I'm thinking in my head after every derrogatory statement she makes about alternative lifestyles (which is frequently) is: so if they were, why would it matter?
But I guess to her it matters, and what makes it so frustrating, is that I cannot make her see why I believe her views are out of line... or even that we can mutually agree that I consider myself to come from a subculture and she simply does not. We cannot coexist, even if we agreed upon that.
What made my blood boil because it was serious, but also tickled me because of it's ignorance was the statement she made concerning "a bunch of lesbians" and all of us "fooling around." As if all lesbians REALLY were were a pack of wild dogs who become romantically involved with any other person with the same orientation as them. As if all lesbians REALLY did were round each other up and have wild orgies together. What a load of crock.
If she could only see the love I have for my girlfriend... how innocent and sweet it is (compared to some of the guys I've dated who were plainly interested in fooling around/sex)... maybe she would think differently. But to her, an alternative relationship is an alternative way of thinking which, clearly for her, is unknown... obviously she has a dep fear of the unknown otherwise she wouldn't make statements like this... right?
Does anyone have any advice on how else to approach this? I'm running out of ideas. And I know she wouldn't want me hanging out with people of a queer orientation (especially girls) because I might becoe "influenced" she thinks... whatever... any ideas on how to approach this other than what I'm already doing?
Miz Scarlet, I think I may have to take up your advice and go see a counselor, if for nothing else, to get a third party in on helping me out (as far as stereotypes etc. go)...
Posts: 17 | From: Orlando, FL, | Registered: Jan 2005
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Well, I am fortunate, because nobody I am close to has ever been that closed minded and stupid. I've had some friends, to which I promptly tell them "You, good (sir, madam,) are incompetent. Please stop perpetuating stereotypes, as you are not doing anything beneficial for humanity and making yourself look like a fool in the process." It probably would have came out somewhere in a conversation like that about the line
quote: I mean, there have been so many clues about you. I don't think I've seen you dress feminine in 10 years.
Incidently, I don't recommend trying this on your mom.
Reading your responses, you made the correct response on every level.
You are 20, I'd say your parents don't get much say in who your friends are or who you hang out with.
-------------------- 19, male, interested in Sadomasochism (BDSM) and some bisexual tendancies. Posts: 157 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2006
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Wow. Your mom sounds almost exactly like my mom, only I'm 16 and can't get away from her as easily. She strongly dislikes my two best friends, and most of my other friends. To her, friendship is about advancement; if they can't help me do well on the SAT's, or get into a good college then they're useless. Which of course is extremely frustrating because that is the polar opposite of what friendship is about.
And my mom doesn't even know that I'm bi, or that any of my friends are gay (only 2 of them are). I'm quite sure that she would spear me through the abdomen if she were to find out. Thus, my closet door is bolted shut, and will remain that way for quite a while.
WELL, i'd not really judging all ur mother completely on that convo! It's cool that u were ABLE to challenge her, many fammilies, even at your age, wouldn't even allow the conversation progress to any raising of the voice or objections. And i'm sure ur mum has got a zillion different sides to her than simply her attitude to sexuality. I know a whole load of people who are fine souls, but have no idea about what sexuality actually means, because of the world they've been surrounded to. It's sometimes only clear to people when they've been in direct contact with it.
I think people have perhaps been a bit too quick to judge ur mother, just as she has been too quick to judge you and your friends and your school.
I'm very glad u stood up to her, because it's the only way people learn and develop: through being questioned!
Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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