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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » My Best Friend: Confusion.

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Author Topic: My Best Friend: Confusion.
Anthony
Neophyte
Member # 28238

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I am really confused...

I'm in love with my best friend, Jesse. You see, we hang out a lot, especially at school, and everyone thinks that he is bisexual - the way he acts, the stuff he does - but I know that he definently is attracted to girls - thorugh past girlfriends and well... porn. They're are some moments where you really might believe that he is bi. But, in public, and in private, he acts anti-gay and whatnot. We are close - we're both comfortable with each other.

I wanted to know, if anyone could offer advice to help me indirectly ask him or how to set him up to find out if he is, because I really really like him - mostly emotionally and mentally, and I really need help on this.

Any advice or anything is VERY appreciated! =)

Thank you for evening reading this =)
-Anthony

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--Anthony

Posts: 2 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
archer
Activist
Member # 27799

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If you really do like him with all your heart and your're ready to start a relationship there's nothing better than asking them directly. Tell him there's something you wanted to tell him in a very long time and then chose a place where you know you won't be disturbed. But before you do tell him you must be ready to go back to being best friends in case for any reason he dosen't reciprocate.

So go ahead don't chose any indirect means because u never know probably he too loves you and dosen't know how to tell you...Just listen to your heart....So good luck!!!

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archer

Posts: 104 | From: India | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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Hi, Anthony. Welcome to scarleteen!

This fits better in GBLT Relationships, so I'm going to move it there.

[Smile]

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Irm
Activist
Member # 27418

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There is no way you can accurately judge someone's orientation by the way that they dress, their mannerisms, et cetera.

"But, in public, and in private, he acts anti-gay and whatnot."

As in...? Joins in on the anti-gay jabber and jokes? Socially, for a lot of men--I'm not saying all--it is very important to "preserve" one's masculinity in the eyes of their heterosexual friends. To allow for the possibility of being gay--or sometimes even just being supportive of those who are!--can sometimes create a social pressure of humiliation and discomfort. Sad as it is, there are a lot of stressful factors in regards to homosexuality for BOTH genders, breeding some very nasty, defensive attitudes that cause someone to project "anti-gay" messages even when their actual feelings may be supportive or even gay themselves. On the other hand, some people never really think to analyze their true feelings, don't take the issue that seriously, fail to acknowledge who they may be hurting, and just go along with the general popular attitude. The thing is, because of said feeling of fear, humiliation, peer pressure, et cetera, it becomes very difficult to approach someone on the subject without hitting some pretty tough barriers.

"We are close - we're both comfortable with each other."

Good. Then maybe it's time for some hardcore communication. While being open all at once about your interest might seem ideal, it unfortunately is something that usually needs to be approached more carefully in GBLT situations, as certain social stigmas can occationally backfire painfully. Perhaps before dicussing your own feelings re. him specifically, it would be a good idea to have an open conversation about homosexuality in general. If you two are really close and comfortable, then it should be something you could bring to him with an attitude of trust. Pick an occation where there are no other people around to influence his reaction, and also one where you know you will have plenty of time so that you can relax. Maybe after a fun evening of doing something entertaining to loosen up nerves (a game of pool, some arcade, whatever). Make sure he knows that the mood is serious but relaxed, and that you are honestly needing a friend with whom to talk about something that is important and that is affecting you. Gently introduce the idea that you have some partial or total homosexual tendancies, let him know that it's a big deal for you to be open about it and that you're putting trust in him, see how he responds, and go from there. Maturely, openly, and not pushily open questions about his own orientation, et cetera, if things go well.

And really, be prepared to be dissapointed. If he turns out to have no homosexual interests at all, don't push it. As far as admitting your own attraction to him, if there is a zero or very low chance of gay interest on his part, then just use your judgement on the relationship and weigh your feelings. If you feel that he would be understanding, then I would even say it's fair for him to know. If you worry that it might negatively impact your friendship, then weigh if it's something that HAS to be said so that he can be sensitive to it, or lean towards the possibility that it might be something that wears off next month with a new interest and is not worth the potential trouble.

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Anthony
Neophyte
Member # 28238

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Thank you DarkChild717 for the welcome! =)

And especailly thanks to archer and RedGoddess for all your help and advice. I like you suggestions RedGoddess, I think it would be best to feed more and more hint at it time after time to see how he may react. But towards archer's ideas, I couldn't directly ask him - I'd be too scared to do that [Wink]

But thank you again RedGoddess =)

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--Anthony

Posts: 2 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Irm
Activist
Member # 27418

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Well, just so that I'm not misunderstood--my suggestion was NOT to "hint" over time. It was to sit down and have a serious discussion about homosexuality, and to make a black/white decision as to whether or not to tell him about your interest in him specifically.

Hope things work out for you.

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LetMeBeHappy
Neophyte
Member # 28882

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Hmm...that's a tough one Anthony. If your really sure you have feeling for Jesse you should deffinatly try to make them clear otherwise they'll never know and they might be too shy to tell you. You never know they might feel the same.

So my advice is that you don't just come straight out with it and put the poor Jesse in an awkward situation. maybe instead you COULD try dropping hints like a dunno 'have you ever had feeling for a guy instead of a girl' and that would kich start the conversation. But if he turns round in shock all like 'what! come on man, r u gay or something?' then you can just tell him u were joking and burst in fits of (fake, but not too fake) laughter, and hope he laughs with you. Unless u'd prefer to just tell him.

But maybe am talking rubbish, which ppl tell me i do alot. [Razz]

Luv Ash

ps. good luck hunni hope all goes well.

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*I died in my dreams reaching out for your hand my fatal desire*

My orientation is just another part of me, let me live, let me be, i am the same person you knew only happier.

Posts: 37 | From: scotland | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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