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Author Topic: can it be love
its_all_new
Neophyte
Member # 22501

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hi, I just found out my boyfriend is gay. He says he loves me and has not cheated on me with another man,yet. He hates that he feels for men and doesn't want to feel this way. he's tried to change, he says he loves me and that we have a future together. My question is, is it possible to have a "normal" relationship. He hasn't had sex with a man just masterbated with them. He say its just feeling he has, about men. Could he really love me? I;m very open about him being gay, I;m ok with it. I don;'t want to change him and i don't want him to feel pressured in loving me. Help me someone anybody with some adive. Can and straight person and and gay person stay together and be really happy? I trust him very much and he said he would be honest to me if he will go with a man, and i believe him. I just don;t want to stop him being happy, I love him still as much as i did before i found out he was gay. so anybody with advice pass it on please.thanks.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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even though you're not the one who is gay, i think you could benefit from some discussion in the GLBT relationships forum. I'll move this there so more poeple can chime in.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shinatoa
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Member # 22931

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If he's open and honest with you, and you really trust him like you say you do, then there's no reason why it shouldn't work out. I'm no expert at this stuff, but if he didn't love you then he probably would of dumped you instead of comming out to you.
It's basic human nature to be curious about things that society has deemed taboo, or usually unacceptable. It's usually just a phase, ut if it's not then it's just another test of your love for each other.

Okay... I've been listening to my counselor for too long. I hope I was at least some help, and good luck in your relationship!

[This message has been edited by Shinatoa (edited 04-11-2005).]


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logic_grrl
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The big question here is whether he is actually gay or bisexual.

If he's only sexually attracted to men, then no, it's not going to be possible for him to have a happy and fulfilling long-term sexual relationship with a woman. He may love and care for you as a friend, but it's not going to work out as a romantic/sexual relationship.

If he's sexually attracted to men and women, though, it's perfectly possible.

Right now, he may not know himself what his sexual feelings and desires are. It sounds like he's dealing with a whole lot of self-hatred and denial.

quote:
He says he loves me and has not cheated on me with another man,yet.

Yet?

quote:
he said he would be honest to me if he will go with a man, and i believe him

It sounds like he's saying that he wants to have other sexual partners, even though both of you are seeing that as "cheating".

How do you feel about that?


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Mad_Stalin
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Member # 23275

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Back in November I had a girlfriend before I was officially gay yea i was bisexual or w/e you want to call it honestly i dont believe in bisexuality i believe its either confusion or just someone who loves sex enough to be with both anyway moving on from that i loved my g/f with all my heart emotionally i loved her physically and sexually i did not love her we had been going out for a year yes a year in the end it didn't work out but what i can say to you is discuss with him that perhaps all you all need is a break so he can go and explore his sexuality and figure things out or else he will be bound to this relationship and may possibly end up cheating on you anyway so its better that you all break up or just take a break from eachother so he can go off and figure things out in the end its all up to you hope i was some aid to you
Posts: 10 | From: Laredo, Tx, USA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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quote:
i dont believe in bisexuality i believe its either confusion or just someone who loves sex enough to be with both

Whoo, stereotype much?

Instead of trashing a whole group of people because of their sexual orientation, how about checking out some facts?

Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 05-06-2005).]


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Mad_Stalin
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I wasn't trashing a group of people i just personally don't believe in that but yes i understand that there may be people actually like that may be a big maybe but that's just my opinion i did not have the malicious intent of offending anyone my apologies
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Really, it's hardly a big maybe: it's been LONG documented, by plenty of reliable studies and surveys, that a great many people are bisexual: in fact, likely more than are heterosexual or homosexual.

So, you can "not personally believe" that information, but recognize that that's not at all unlike people believing that people aren't really homosexual, or having the opinion that people who are attracted to short people and tall people alike are "just confused," or can't choose one height.


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Mad_Stalin
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Ack I hate admitting when I'm wrong but I will admit I WAS WRONG but yes its true scarlet and logic i understand i just have trouble with the whole liking both sexes but i have read the articles and the studies its probably just i don't want to come face to face with a sexuality i don't quite understand but oh well i admit that i was wrong so ok
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Heather
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Honestly, it's not rocket science.

Biological sex isn't all that tricky: we know there are at least FIVE biological sexes. That alone makes defining attraction by binary sex (as in, genitals or chromosomes, male or female) iffy at best. In other words, there aren't even "both" or two sexes: there are more than that.

But gender is far more incredibly complex and fluid, as is gender identity and attraction, because it is so multifaceted, based on appearance, on behaviour, on cultural context, and on all of our own subjective notions of gender.

So, just based on those things alone, it's realatively easy to see that very strict binary notions of orientation are pretty problematic. Certainly, we can all identify however we like, but it's pretty darn rare for ANYONE to be 100% strictly heterosexual or homosexual: those folks are the serious rarity. For the vast majority of people, no matter how we ID, we have varying levels of sexual, physical, chemical, emotional and intellectual attraction to all genders: even if we don't have sex with ANYONE. For the most part, when anyone IDs as heterosexual or homosexual, what we're saying is that we are primarily attracted to a given sex or gender. So, when you just understand that someone who IDs as bisexual is saying they are or can be attracted to a wider net than that, it becomes pretty easy to comprehend.

And for one bisexual, that may mean they are mostly attracted to biological men and occasionally attracted to bio-women. For anothger, it may mean they've found they can be equally attracted to either men or women, based on sex AND gender. For another, it may mean all of these things are irrelevant as far as their attraction is concerned. For another still, it may mean they're attracted mostly to people of male GENDER, regardless of their sex.

Ultimately, it's only complicated or tough to understand if you try to pretend that attraction and sexuality is very one-dimensional or simplstic, because it's just not, not for anyone.

Make more sense?

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Mad_Stalin
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i actually get it...wow something i comprehend hehe my sickness hasn't completely destroyed my comprehension skills whee...^_^ thanks miz scarlet
Posts: 10 | From: Laredo, Tx, USA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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