I am a girl in highschool who has had a serious male relationship and one wonderful fling, and know that I thoroughly enjoyed sex with men and that males arouse me. However, I have always always always been facsinated by women, and admire them, idolize them, fantatize about their bodies. I'm confused because it is difficult to tell how much of this thought and energy is my own self trying to get in touch with my own female body sexually and be appreciative of it, or if I really would be interested in another woman sexually.
sometimes I get caught up in the romanticism of my imaginations idea of what it would be like to share a connection sexually and intimately with another woman. Wouldn't it be grand and monumental and somehow more meaningful because we were connected by that great thing of 'Woman"? Maybe i'm just full of it.
Most of the time, I end up stopping my flow of thought when it turns to trying to imagine what it would be like to make out with another girl and how that might make me feel, emotionally and sexually, because it feels to dangerous. I often find myself cop-ing out on exploring this part of myself because I know how hard it is for gays, lesbians, and bisexuals in my society and am slightly shamed to say that my reasoning often becomes this:
Is it worth my exploration of bisexuality in reality with all of the trouble and conflict and issues that will arise from it? Since I already know I like guys, wouldn't it be easier/better/simpler to just stick with that and stop being so curious/interested?
But this solution feels uncomfortable to me too, because it feels like i'm being untrue to myself.
At the same time, I don't know any girls who are openly lesbians or bisexuals that I am attracted to and/or comfortable enough to approach about this. There is a girl who I think is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and she's not perhaps conventionally the image of beauty, but i tihnk she's classically and romantically (art history) lovely.
Even if she was a lesbian, or if a lesbian/bisexual person was interested in me, would it be fair of me to act upon my curious whims? These are real people with emotions, what happens if we try something and it turns out that I really don't like it at all and don't want to do any more? I once read a quote from a lesbian who was sick with heartache that said "curious straight women will be the death of me." I certainly wouldn't want to mess with someone in that way.
So what's a girl to do? How do I explore this in a way that doesn't hurt others and doesn't ruffle too many feathers, how to do it discretely?
should I just put discovering my sexual identity on hold for a few years till I'm somewhere new (college) with new people in a possibly more accepting environment to homosexuality/bisexuality? I don't much like to imagine having to come out (which I would feel I needed to if it turned out that i did in fact dig girls as much as boys), even though my parents are very liberal and accepting, and I have some great friends who would be fine with it too.
Basically, I'm just wondering what other older/wiser/more experienced people have to offer me in forms of advice.
You know, ceilidh, you sound so much more thoughtful and concerned about this than a lot of people are, that I thin you have less to worry about than you think you do.
Ultimately, just like kissing just any guy isn't likely to net you much, answer any questions, or be very enjoyable, such is the case with being with just any woman.
In other words if and when you meet someone in particular you are actually really interested in and attracted to -- and perhaps this women you've mentioned is a someone like that? -- you get to tell them all of this stuff. You can walk into it saying "So you understand, I'm not sure how I feel about this, if I'm bisexual, if I want to be active if I am." And that person can decide if that's something they want to take on and work with.
Frankly, I've had plenty of "straight girls" or women who are simply curious approach me over the years, and it's never been something I've pursued, and that's for a few reasons. One, in those cases there's never been any chemistry at all, and they didn't seem to notice that. Two, none of the ever approached me with the kind of thoughtfulness you're showing here. (Three, at this point, I just don't want to be involved with anyone with a boyfriend, but that's not very relevant to this.)
So, I'd say that when someone comes along who you know you just really like and are really attracted to, and it's about that person, not a simple gender curiosity, then you can think this through, and figure out if it's something you want to pursue. And if it is, I'd encourage you to bring it to the table exactly as you've done here. The hurt that sometimes comes with these scenarios isn't about someone "not liking" sex with women -- afte all, it's usually not about that, it's just about sex or a relationship without the right chemistry, and that can happen with anyone -- it's about people being careless or dishonest. And it really doesn't look like anyone would have to worry about that with you.
thank you, Miz Scarlet, I really appreciate your response.
I love that there is scarleteen and the message boards here. It's really a wonderful place to get sound, unbiased advice and enjoy the comfort of anonymity.
I think most people (or I like to think) are brooders like me, just often undercover, to themselves and to others. I also like to think that most people can at some level understand themeselves, whether or not they are gifted verbally and can express this in words, or try to make something that is completey intangible, tangible through any communicative form. I don't think it is a lack of thought and effort, just a varience in communicative ability.
Then again, I have to bank on my "special" ability to be indulgently introspective because I want to make a career out of music and poetry and pondering, so naturally, if I want to sell my soul to the music industry devils, I've got to make sure to present its individuality somehow convincingly...
It is comforting to think that everyone I see in the school hallways has secrets and the ablitiy to be "deep" even if topically they are shallow and materialistic. I know (or I think I know, would be comforted by knowing) that at some level, everyone is acting for social rituals and interractions and that everyone has an individual personality and core that makes them THEM and no one else. It's thrilling when you have a relationship that allows you to "connect" which I think is just getting past the surface crap. Not to say that the shallow stuff isn't fun and a good bag for laughs and general flowing of life, but it is so refreshing to drop it now and again and share yourself openly.
I'm tired. I've been awake for 21 hours and it's time for sleep. It's funny, this started out as a thank you note only.
I just can't help myself sometimes. The undeniable temptation of these message boards is that you get a chance to try and make yourself understood and clear to a large group of people ,have them read it, and have the chance for them to respond to you, without ever risking yourself personally. It's a grand and heady freedom.
thank you again for having scarleteen and particuarly Miz Scarlet for offering your advice to me and for helping all the other people i've seen on these boards. It means a lot to us all I'm sure that you take time out of your life to make however many thousand posts you have on your user name to help teenagers and young adults.
It is totally worth it! I had the same thoughts at first, and since then I've come out to my family, friends, co workers etc.. and now I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the world... I would not trade it for anything! And living "out of the closet" is definitely not as hard as I thought it would be. The good far outweighs the bad! Be true to yourself! xoxo
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