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Author Topic: give up or what?
Member # 13721

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Lengthy posts are sometimes annoying but often necessary. This post may be both, so apologies in advance.

I posted in the past about a relationship with an individual who, though she was certain she wanted a heterosexual relationship, admitted she shared mutual feelings with me which were mostly left unexplored because of her confusion. We had a 3yr history of friendship and we worked these feelings through and our friendship was great until NOW... 99% platonic, dailt conversations and going along swimmingly

A few weeks back, a mutual friend invited she and I to the beach. The mutual friend had made this a set up for "Y" , (my friend) and another co-worker, male who I know very well and have hung out with quite frequently, and this was agreeable to all parties.

I asked "Y" if she wanted me to not be there , since there were 4 people going and I only knew the guy and "Y" and I didn't to be a 5th wheel. She got slightly angry and said that we were invited separately and that I should go because that's how we were invited but that she was there to get to know the guy.

So.. I went and things were great the first night but not for "Y" and the guy.. he had seemed interested before but not now.. perhaps there were too many people. He had been badgered by the other 2 travelers about how he should make a move on "Y" and he was visibly frustrated. "Y" and I shared a room, as it happened to be, and she lamented that he didn't care for her and that she was destined to be alone. I told her I would ALWAYS be there for her and to not worry about it.

I have a pretty good relationship with the guy, so the next morning I went downstairs, all the others were asleep except him , and I talked to him for a while. In casual conversation I asked him flat out if her was interested in "Y". He said he just didn't like to be rushed and we moved on to other conversation. He is the type of guy who tells it like it is and he just kinda took my question in stride and appeared unphased as if he nothing of it.

The next day went well, until that evening. the guy and "Y" had spent some "getting to know you " time together and things seemed fine. Oddly though, she didn't speak to me other than .. "can you hold this" kinda stuff the rest of the night. She stayed downstairs with him that night.

The next am.. the guy and the other 2 girls went for lunch and she stayed behind. I had to leave and was packing and she didn't feel well so she stayed back to rest and pep up. Finally as I was watching some TV before I made the long drive home, she asked "is there a reason you are still here" to which I answered.. I'm waiting for traffic to clear.

That was out last civil conversation for nearly a month. We usually talk at least once a day.. so I called her the following day. Voice mail.. she called Tuesday.. left a message at home.. but did not try my cell. Wed. I left a message, Thur she left a message again no cell. Friday I left a message. Finally after nothing on Sat and knowing she was out of town Sunday I talked to the mutual friend. I asked what happened between the guy and "Y" after I left, concerned that something bad had happened. She said nothing she had spoken to "Y" several times and she was fine. To cover our tracks I laughingly said .. " I waited a week to finds out nothing happened?"

Well apparently this hit a cord because the mutual friend called "Y" out of town and said something about the very banal conversation. How do I know this? I got a phone call Monday.

She said she was annoyed with me and that she couldn't believe what I did .. I asked "what , asking how things went?" She said she was told by the guy that I told him he should ask her out, and by other people that I was hitting on him while we were there.. she KNEW he and I were friends and had no interest in him. She also said she felt like I had hunted her down all week and she was "annoyed wiht not only my actins buthte person as well". Since when is phone tag a "hunt"

So that was our last conversation. I miss our friendship so much but I really don;t know what I did wrong. I sent an email with no response and have left a single phone message stating please call me. I don't wanna keep apologizing cause I really don't see what I did wrong.

I do love her and I want to see her happy with someone, but why is she angry with me? What did I do wrong that I don't see? What should I do?


"If but some vengeful god would call to me
From up the sky, and laugh: "Thou suffering thing,
Know that thy sorrow is my ecstasy,
That thy love's loss is my hate's profiting!"

Then would I bear it, clench myself, and die,
Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;
Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I
Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.

But not so. How arrives it joy lies slain,
And why unblooms the best hope ever sown? ó
Crass Casualty obstructs the sun and rain,
And dicing Time for gladness casts a moan. . . .
These purblind Doomsters had as readily strown
Blisses about my pilgrimage as pain. " Thomas Hardy

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5640

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Whew. Toughie.

Ultimately, if you're truly interested in maintaining a friendship with this person, youíre going to have to try and find a means to communicate with her. You have to tell her how you feel Ė explain your case, really, and why you feel that youíve done nothing wrong Ė and try and appeal to her logical sense. Truthfully, though, she may continue to think what sheís already thinking. Unfortunately, we cannot change how people feel or how they think. Itís something we just have to deal with, and get over. I truly do hope that you manage to work things out with this individual, especially because it seems as though you feel very close to her, and as far as I can tell from your statement of the facts, you havenít done anything wrong.

It may just be a simple misunderstanding, and with a little bit of effort on your part, all may be remedied. Just, be forewarned: you may not be able to sway her feelings. Itís sad, but itís the truth.

Good luck, hon.

And, just as a technical note, we try to ask our users to limit the size of their signatures to five lines or so. Just do a little trimming, if you can. Thanks.

[edited for spell-check]
Tim, as in "Whoa, Dude."
Scarleteen Advocate

[This message has been edited by Dude_who_writes (edited 07-31-2003).]

Posts: 712 | From: Michigan, US | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Blue Roses
Member # 9928

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I don't know how your friend reacts when she's mad, but perhaps give her a day or two to stew over it, without making contact attempts, and then try again when she's had time to calm down. Or would it be taken poorly if you explained your case to either the guy or your mutual friend and asked one of them to intervene?
Posts: 105 | From: Bryn Mawr, PA, USA | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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Previous thread:

"I'll memorize everything you do to me/So I can teach it when it comes my turn."
-- Semisonic, "Chemistry"

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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