Right. So. This is long, so you are warned. My name is Britany and I'm 17. I identify as lesbian or bisexual, or a bicurious lesbian because I know I like girls, but I'm not sure on guys. So my best friend is an amazing person. I love her so much as a friend, sister, confidante, everything. She's literally the best person I've ever known. We share almost everything, and I'm being conservative. We talk about everything, and if there's anything new about ourselves to introduce to the world, we share it with each other first. We even write very personal journals for no reason other than to let the other read it. We are very alike and very different. In so many contexts of the phrase, she is the only reason I'm still here. She has helped me through depression, family issues, friend issues, everything.
In April (2003) I came out to her as bisexual, and she was like "that's cool, just one more thing I know about you". She's not even the slightest weirded out if I say a chick is hot or something, like most of my friends are even if they are completely accepting. April was the first time I let myself acknowledge that I am attracted to girls. Shortly after I came out to her, I realized that I was falling for her. I did a little self evaluation and also realized that I had always liked her a little more than just a friend, but I just never let myself admit it because I was "straight".
Now. I like my best friend. Okay. She is straight, but a little bicurious. Sometimes she wants to try a girlfriend, sometimes she just wants a boyfriend. I told her she should try to date a girl if she's curious at all, because I don't want her finding out she's lesbian when she's 25 and married or something. It's just my theory for everyone that's curious, try it just so you know what you like and want. Now it becomes tricky. And, no, it hasn't even begun to get confusing yet.
So. We are best friends. We're the kind of best friends that are attached at the hip. We practically live at each other's houses, we always do stuff together and share stuff. It's mostly because we have been through so much together and helped each other along the way. Whenever I come out to a new person, whether it was my other best friend, my sister, or just friends at school, the first three questions they ask always include, "So are you and her, you know, together?" No matter what the other two questions are, and it's even been the first question asked. So everyone thinks we're together. But we're not. She's straight, right?
And more confusing. We joke about being together. Many close friends do. As a joke. We joke. Her last boyfriend got jealous when she so much as said an actress was pretty (because one of his Xs cheated on him with a girl). So to bug him, she would flirt with me, grab my butt, kiss my forehead, things like that. Nothing big, nothing in private, just stuff to annoy him. She didn't really like him, if you didn't already pick up on that. So we joke. Still, everything is ok. She is straight. Friends joke, right?
Sure. But when she starts saying stuff like, "No wonder some (not all) girls turn lesbian: they get sick of guys bulls--t". She said she is a little curious, because she is getting sick of guys and wants someone mature to date. Maybe she should just wait a few years until we're older, so the guys have more time to mature. Maybe she should try a girlfriend. Whatever she wants to do, I'm all for. She's my best friend, and I just want to see her happy. Her philosophy is pretty much, "Hey, we're all human, why can't we all love each other?" So she doesn't think gay, bi, straight, trans, anything is wrong in any sense.
Now, I've read lots of stuff on crushes on friends. All the advice-givers say one of two things. Either "talk to her" or "wait and see what happens". I've been doing the wait and see, which is fine for now. I mean, we're only 17, no rush for a life partner. I would like to do the talk to her one so unbelieveably much, but I don't want the adverse effects. I want to talk it out, find out where she stands on me (because I know where she stands on herself being GLB), find out if there's any chance, no chance, try it if there's a chance, whatever. But I don't want it to get weird. She knows I like girls, and she knows I don't check her out like that. Straight people have a tendency to think gay people are always picturing them in bed. She knows it's NOT like that, which is why she's cool with anyone being themselves. But anytime you raise the idea of a crush on someone, all bets are off. Everyone has at least a little suspicion of what the person thinks when they look at you. I don't think of her like that. Yes I would like to kiss her, but I'm going for the relationship, not the sex. I'm content to just sit outside her house forever if I knew that was the closest I would ever get to her, physically or friendship-wise. I don't want her to think of me differently, just because I have a crush on her. I would not even care about her thinking of me differently if we weren't so close. Her friendship is the most important relationship in my life, even more important than anyone in my family, because she has helped me through so much. I want her to think of it as a flattery, even if she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. I don't want her to think that I have perverted thoughts about her and get weird, because I don't. I always get the notion to tell her, and I promise myself I'm going to talk to her about it, but whenever I'm in her presence, it's the only thing I can't bring myself to say. I can literally tell her ANYTHING else without question, and I would go to her if my crush was one ANYONE else, but I just can't find the strength. I don't want to lose her, I don't want it weird, I don't want anything to change, unless it's something to make us closer. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need some motivational words. I just don't know. If anyone replies, please go further than "wait it out" or "talk to her". Tell me why I should take your advice, tips, whatever. Just try to tell me something new. Please?
------------------ "Fear falls down like rain And it makes me whole again Fear falls like rain Take me as I am I'm not broken Pieces of my life are not tokens I want to let you know that I'm still learning How to love again and stop hurting" ~Tonic
Posts: 2 | From: Rockford, IL USA | Registered: Jul 2003
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Yeah, I am in sort of a similar situation, so I know where you're coming from. My best friend just came out to me and only me about a month or so ago that she is bisexual/lesbian, and I was and still am very supportive of her and her continuing discovery of her sexual orientation. Figuring it out totally will help her be happier in life, I know, so I encourage it.
But, the thing was, when she came out to me, I had sort of the feeling you described. That maybe I've always liked her a little bit more than a best friend would...I mean, I'm thinking of when we were still in high school, and how whenever I was in her presence I couldn't help but smile constantly, and how being with her can make me happy whatever happens...and I thought maybe it was possibly more than just a friendship.
I'm more on the flipside, though. I consider myself more heterosexual than bisexual; although I am sometimes attracted to females, I'm more romantically attracted to males. But all that I was describing about my best friend seemed to be all the key indicators of a crush.
So, I'll suggest to you what I did/am doing. It sounds like you know your best friend really well. If you think that your admitting you have a crush on her could really ruin your relationship as it stands, then I'd suggest holding off a little bit. Maybe not forever, but until you think you are ready to tell her. And if/when you are ready, I know that writing things down always helps. My best friend and I have only talked about her sexual orientation over the internet, because that is what is most comfortable with us. Neither of us have brought it up in person...yet.
On the flip side, I'd suggest thinking about what you would possibly want in a relationship with your friend different from what you have in your friendship now. It sounds like you two are extremely close as it is...what more would you get out of your relationship if you had a romantic relationship, disregarding sex? It's up to you to judge whether your revealing your crush on your friend could make your relationship as it is any better...and what the odds are from that. That's what I'm doing right now. I know that I can keep a tight friendship with my best friend for a long time, and that satisfies me perfectly.
Of course, honesty in a relationship is always important. Sounds like you guys tell each other everything. I understand where you're weary, though. I think this is where I step down and where someone else gives more advice.
I hope I helped some, though.
------------------ Antes de un sueño, en la densidad que es la niebla del pensamiento en la noche, descubrí cuan dulce, cuan bello y cuan amable eres. En una plegaria, anoche, oré para que encuentres gran felicidad en tu vida, porque...no sé por qué...creo que la mereces. Jamás será el día en el que entiendas esto, y jamás te lo diré. No necesitas saberlo...vive y sé feliz.
quote: Her friendship is the most important relationship in my life
Well, if her friendship is that important to you, you have to think about what choice you make will not damage that, or at least what choice will hurt it the least. You seem close enough that it might not be a big deal if you simply tell her about your crush, and see how she feels (but I wouldn't push things). If you start treating her differently because you like her, then keeping it a secret could damage your friendship.
On the other hand, especially if she's confused about herself, telling her might complicate things more. Maybe you should wait awhile till she gets settled into her own orientation before you say anything. You might even want to ask her what she feels about her sexuality, because a little more clarity might help you decide what to do.
In any case, you two have obviously conquered many difficult issues together, and, no matter what you do decide, I think she will still love you (platonically, anyway) and you will be able to work out your feelings. Best wishes.
"If you can't take the misery, stay out of the kitchen." Constantinos Smith, VCPR
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