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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » advice?

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Member # 13925

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Alright. Here's the situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now, and just recently I figured out that he's been with at least 500 people (no freakin joke). I really didn't know this about him in the beginning or else there's no way in hell i would have even given him a chance. But now that i've dated him for a while, it's hard to take things like that into consideration. I don't know exactly what kind of advice i'm looking for, it's just.. so increadibly dissapointing and disheartening to know that someone you care about so much has had sex with so many different people and obviously doesn't have self dicipline/respect for themselves. It makes me question whether or not he has any for me either. I mean, i dont really know how to handle this information, i guess i just want opinions.. on what other people would do if they knew their significant other had been with over 500 different people, and how they would handle it? Seriously, he's an awesome guy.. i just dont know if this really means anything and is grounds enough for re-thinking my relationship..
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well, I never hit the 500 mark, but in my lifetime, I have had a LOT of lovers, most of them by the time I was in my mid-twenties. I will say, 500 lovers is a number that's going to give anyone pause. That is an awful lot of people, and if he's a young guy, that says you're talking about someone literally having a new lover every couple of days for years. So, it's no big shocker you're a bit floored.

In my case, if it adds anything, I don't think it was a matter of a lack of control and self-respect, it was a matter of being very social and very sexual and very adventurous. And some folks just like aspects of casual sex. I know I did. Some of them, I still do. I don't have so many partners anymore primarily because I don't have the time or the desire to (or the attention span), and the older I get, the less fun or interesting very casual sex tends to become. I'd not leap to the conclusion that your boyfriend must be lacking discipline or self-respect unless:

a) all that sex, or a good deal of it, was patently unsafe,
b) HE felt he couldn't/can't control himself and has an impulse control problem
c) He had no life outside of this at all
d) He wasn't that interested in what he was doing or the people he was involved with, and was on a sort of auto-pilot...

I could go on, but what it'd boil down to is that you're only likely to get answers to this and your feelings by talking to him and asking him about this. And people evolve and grow, so even if those things were once issues, they may or may not be issues anymore.

It's okay to say to a lover, "I'm daunted by the number of previous partners you have (especially in this case) and it makes me worry about -- insert worries here." I've had a few partners in my life say that to me, and it's totally okay, and I'm totally okay addressing whatever fears they may have, many oif which are perfectly valid (especially when it comes to infections and disease, as well as general fickleness).

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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