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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » What do you do if you're partner wants to do certain sexual things?

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Author Topic: What do you do if you're partner wants to do certain sexual things?
DisabledGay
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Member # 12527

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First off, I'm gay, and I also have spina bifida. The guy that I'm interested in is interested in doing certain sexual things to me that I CAN'T do. I CAN do the same thing on him, but to have it to me is virtually impossible...what do I do?
Posts: 2 | From: Orlando, Florida, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
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Member # 5460

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Have you explained to him that you have spina bifida, and thus have physical limitations that he doesn't? If not, that's the first step.

If you've done so, and he's still persisting in wanting to do things that you can't do, then there's a problem on HIS part, not yours. Someone who can't respect their partner's limits -- whether those limits are imposed by a disability, or simply something the other person doesn't want to do -- is not a good person to be having sex with.

On the other hand, it's fine for him to simply WANT things, as long as he's not pressuring you or repeatedly asking for things you can't do. That can be a fine line to walk, but it's often a reality of relationships in which one partner has limitations that hte other doesn't. If he's not pressuring you or asking you to do things you can't, then you might want to sit down and talk about how your disability limits you, and acknowledge that there will need to be compromises.

I know where you're coming from, incidently; I'm disabled by a neurological disorder, and it's sometimes hard at first for my partners to realize (and subsequently cope with) that I can't do all the same things they can. My approach is to lay the facts out, pretty bluntly: "This is what I can do. This is what I can't do. This is what I can do sometimes, but please realize it takes a lot out of me and I can't do it if I'm having a bad day or if I need to be functional the next day. This is something I can do sometimes with no problems at all, but other times it hurts terribly." Doing that helps them to understand where I'm at, and also opens the door to being able to talk about my disability and how I need/want to be treated by partners.

I hope some of this is helpful to you; feel free to post again if you want to continue talking.

Lastly, have you read Clare Sainsbury's very excellent article on sex and disability? Might want to print out a copy for your pal, too. Here's a link: http://www.scarleteen.com/politics/disability.html


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DisabledGay
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This person, whom I am interested in, knows pretty much everything he needs to know. I've been up front and honest with COMPLETELY, and found that that was admired. We still, however, have problems. He's willing to "work" with me about our little situation, but I've always had the belief that if you actually have to work at having fun, then it's no longer fun, and he shouldn't even have to be in that situation. He is a very attractive man, and could easily get another guy who can please him better. But, then there's still the issue that I want him for myself. I'm so confused; what to do???
Posts: 2 | From: Orlando, Florida, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
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Here's the thing, though: relationships and sex DO take work. It's just part of the deal -- good sex rarely just happens out of the blue, and good relationships do take a good bit of work to maintain. Throw disability into that mix, and well, you're both likely to need to put in some effort to make everything work smoothly.

It may take some time and experimentation to find ways of having sex that work for both of you, but it sounds like he's willing to do that. Keep in mind that it's just fine to include masturbation and such as part of partnered sex, and talk about what you're feeling.

As for feeling like he shouldn't have to be in the situation of needing to work around your disability -- that's for him to decide. If he likes you, and is attracted to you, and wants to be having sex with you, then making compromises here and there likely won't be a big deal for him.

I know, though, that can be a hard thing to get your head around. I've often felt guilty for telling my partners I can't do something, or for having to abruptly stop having sex, but when I've talked about it with them later, they tell me there's no need to feel guilty, they know that having sex with me involves a substantial amount of work and compromises, and that it's still very much worth it to them. Even knowing that, I occasionally have moments of feeling like they deserve better -- but then, no one's forcing them to have sex with me.

Based on what you've just written, my best advice would be to sit down with this person and have another talk. You say he admires honesty; be honest about how you're feeling now. Tell him what you wrote here, about feeling like he shouldn't have to be in the position of having to work to enjoy sex with you, and see what he has to say.

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 04-08-2003).]


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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