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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Looking for a Sign

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Author Topic: Looking for a Sign
Member # 11996

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I'm having a relation problem. I know about a hundred-thousand things to say , but when I tell them to myself, they lose most of the meaning.

At the beginning of this month my best friend and most insane "crush" (same person to clarify) had a revelation. It seemed as if we both were in the same position. Both horribly in love with the other (I use the phrase seriously), but afraid to say anything. Somehow one thing led to another, and we opened up. I was ecstatic even though that word pales in comparison to the glow I felt inside and towards this girl.

Since then things have gotten crazy. When we are alone (specifically this past weekend) not much is left to be desired in this infantile stage of our relationship, but add another person or the public scene and it's all gone. It's like even secret looks and winks are gone. If anything, its like she is ignoring me, avoiding me I suppose.

Worse thing is this, I don't know what is going on with her, with us. Communication seems like it is done to null. I asked her earlier on exactly where we stood. It took nearly a week for a response. The response I got was that she had lost something as big as I had, and that I needed "come and get" her if I really wanted her the way I said I did. Since then little steps have been made in that direction but no actual speaking. Bad I know.

But why is she claming up? What should I do?

I know it might be because this is the first queer relationship. That she's afraid of the public maybe. Or our friends. Maybe her mother. Or maybe she's having problems internally. I think about that and I have to worry, am I just hurting her psyche or am I being to self-centered thinking that she worries about me that much?

I don't know what to do. This is tearing me apart. I want to do something, say something, but I don't know how. Or even where I am headed. I've spoken to my mother and my best confidant since kindergarten, but I feel like neither can completely understand or give proper advice, and they can only sympathize in a caring way, not a been there and lived through it way. I really would like to hear something from people who have been in this position. Or at least know where I'm coming from.

Thanks for keeping me from pulling out my hair just by this venting. I don't think I do it enough.

[i]"One last love song.
To bring me back.
And then walk on.
Keep walking."[i]

Posts: 2 | From: East Coast | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, sounds like you have two or more major things that are pretty intense: 1) going from friends to lovers and 2) having a queer relationships for the first time.

Those two things alone are pretty much enough to overwhelm anyone for at least a little bit, especially if the environment in which it's happening isn't very accepting -- and certainly if one or both of you isn't out, or isn't even entriely sure about what all of this means in terms of your/her sexual identity.

Can you simply ask her how she'd like to handle the relationship in public? In other words, say something like, "I've noticed that things get very different bewteen us publicly. Are you uncomfortable? What can we do to make us both more comfortable?"

You might also add that the 'clamming up" is confusing you right now and making you really unclear on how to handle all of this.

Ask what she wants if you're concerned about hurting her. Assure her that you're there for her regardless of how this relationship does or doesn't progress (unless you feel you can't be, that is).

If you're feeling a lack of support or understanding, it might be worth looking up some queer youth support in your area. If you list your city, we're always glad to help with that.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 11996

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First off, apologies on taking so long to reply. First it was ISP problems and then life just sort of happened.

Thanks so much for the advice, Miz Scarlet. You laid out pretty much what I needed to see in black and white. No reading between the lines and what not. Sometimes it helps for it to be like that.

I hope to at some point just lay the proverbial cards on the table (again). But one piece of drama at a time, right?

Thanks again, though. For the advice and for the mere sake of listening.

Posts: 2 | From: East Coast | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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