Ok. I really don't have any huge pressing Problem that I need help with. I just need someone to communicate with, and I'm afraid that my two friends who I am 100% open with might be getting a little sick of hearing the same thing over and over. So here I am. Hi! (see me waving?) Me. I am 17, graduated from high school yesterday (ack!), lesbian, still stuck in the closet, and desperately wanting out. I'm also afraid that I may have misinterpreted my own emotions and in the end I'll end up married to some guy with three kids and a dead end job. I hope that this is not true, however it is one of the things that is holding me in my litle dark mothballed state of being. Also. I really, really, really like this girl. I'm gonna call her Tracy because that's her name and I don't think there's much chance of you tracking us down to make fun of her or me or anyone else for that matter. I think she realizes I like her. I'm not sure if she realizes how much I like her (like I write poetry for her and can't fall asleep at night because I'm thinking about how much I want to kiss her) (ok, so I'm a sap). I also think that although she's "out" she's not entirely comfortable about her own sexuality. As a result, I'm getting mixed messages from her. Or at least interpreting them that way. For instance. At commemoration I thought that she really likes me and wants me and etc, etc, etc. Then yesterday at my party, she gives me the cold shoulder. Then today at another party she smiles at me, talks to me, but I'm really afraid to try and get close to her again. It goes on. Now this might not be too big a deal because it's the summer, she's a junior, I might not ever see her again after today (which is a thought that really hurts, but you know...). I also know that I am a whole and healthy person on my own and I really don't need anyone to be happy, complete, etc. However, I am 17 and I have never been kissed. (Not for lack of relationships, I had three boyfriends and I wouldn't let them near me.) It was ok with me, but now its not. I am... frusterated. I might even only really like Tracy because I need *someone* to like and she's avaliable to be adored. I don't know. All in all it's really getting to me and making me want to scream at random times. I also really want to come out. I think my friends have all figured it out, and keep dropping litle hints (a women's restroom sign in a graduation card, a long conversation about the horrors of homophobia, a sideways glance when lesbians are mentioned) and I think my parents are too. I think my Dad's bemused, and my Mom's desperately hoping its just a phase but setting herself up in case its not. And, well, I don't rightly know what I want other than to be abloe to talk openly about this, so Here's Me! and kudos for anyone who read all of that and, um, yeah. As I said before. I just need open communication. Thank ever so much.
Aw hunny. First of all, nobody here's gonna make fun of you and "Tracy" even if we could track ya down. And we won't do that either! Cuz Scarleteeners are cool like that.
Sounds to me like carrying around this big secret is doing more harm than good. I don't know you, but from what you've said, it sounds like you've got some really supportive friends and family members- so what are you so afraid of? Ok I know- it's scary as hell. Just tryin' to make it sound like a walk in the park. But I really think you need to bite the bullet and just come out. Hehe whenever I have something earth-shattering to tell a friend or family member, I wait til the end of a conversation, and I blurt it out and then run away/hang up/sign off.. you get the picture... and then go into hiding for a few days. And when I see/talk to them again, I find, 100% of the time, that I had nothing to be afraid of to begin with, and that they're completely supportive. Don't take my approach! Tell 'em flat out.. DON'T run away... wait for a response (I'm sure you'll get nothing but positive feedback) and then sleep easy!!
Yet it sounds like even if you did come out you couldn't sleep easy cuz of this goddess of a woman. When you said that maybe you just liked her because you needed someone.. believe me I've been there. I hit points sometimes that I'm so in need of a good relationship that every other person seems to be "the one"- and all flaws disappear. I hope this isn't the case with you. I've found that only bad things can result from relationships that begin out of desperation. I think you need a journal. Do you already have one? You should write in it everyday. I am a crazy girl with mixed-up emotions and I find that writing out my feelings helps me to understand my feelings and puts a new perspective on a weird situation. Brings clarity. Poetry is nice.. I attempt to write poetry occasionally, but I find that poetry tends to be more idealistic... less realistic. Know what I mean? My journal is more honest... more real. It's brutally honest. But it helps.
Talk to this girl. Put your feelings out there. What do you have to lose? The worst that could happen is that you won't end up with her. So what? You're not with her now. And you won't be unless you talk to her. If you do talk to her.. who knows? Maybe she feels the same.. and you'll thank yourself (And me ) for taking a risk. You're so young! (Oh by the way- smarty pants- how are you already graduated at 17?? I'm jealous!) But yeah- you're so young! These are the days for taking risks (not with your health though- no no) and being brutally honest with yourself and others... and making mistakes and more importantly LEARNING from your mistakes.
It's all up to you. This is just my opinion. I say you just bite the bullet... come out to your family and friends... and tell this girl how you feel. You've got a lot of years to be cautious and worry. Right now you've got to take a risk.
Again, this is just my opinion. If you just can't come out.. or you just can't tell this girl, that's ok. Hey, I am a huge huge wuss so I wouldn't hold it against you. But you asked for advice, so I'm givin' it to you... take it or leave it!!
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