A lot of people frequently use the word "sex" to mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. Of course, 'round here, we frown upon such pidgeonholing, but still, it's a an assumption that a lot of people make.
And then, of course, there are the silly questions like "Can two men have sex together?" and "How do you have sex if there's no penis involved?" (Ummm, lots of different ways. Use your imagination.)
So what do you think of the assumption that sex has to involve both a penis and a vagina? Have you ever been asked a silly question about your sex life, simply because of your sexual orientation? If so, how did you respond?
And as always, keep it polite, keep it PG-13, and absolutely no discussion of technique, mmmkay?
I have only been asked one really odd question about my sex life--something along the embarassed and confusing lines of "Do you like the way a guys penis looks? I don't think I get it." I did my best to explain but even still I don't think she quite understood.
I have also been on the asking side of such a "silly" question, but it didn't seem quite so silly at the time.
When I was in 5th grade in public school (was it really only five years ago?) the school started sex ed and seperated the boys and girls and gave us the typical lecture.
Well, the fifty year old scary lady speaking managed to instill the fear of god into us all that we should never ever in any circumstances look in a girls purse. We all thought that something terrible would be inside. But I digress. The scary woman briefly mentioned homosexuality but didn't really elaborate on whether or not gay people could actually have sex, per se. After all, something that we had learned was semi-essential was bound to be missing--how does that work?
After she finished with the lesson I worked up my courage and asked her how two guys could have sex. She said the worst possible thing in the circumstance, and I quote, "Ask your parents." Heavens no, I couldn't do that. I was a really weird secretive kid and there was no way I was going to talk to my mom about sex, much less the more confusing version that I was wondering about, and my dad was an even less likely candidate for such a question.
Eventually after several years and many horrible very very hurtful jokes in the locker room I figured it out, but it would have been a lot less traumatic if the lady had simply answered my question.
I'm personally a queer sex fanatic. Even when I'm with a boy, I try to have queer sex. One day I was hanging out and talking with my very straight close female friend (let's call her L.) and my very queer boyfriend (let's call him J.). J. and I were talking about some matter of kinkyness which I no longer remember. L. usually puts up with my far out ramblings, but it was a little much for her to hear it from both of us at once. So . . .
L.: I understand you're both kinky and all, but damn! Don't you ever just want to get thrown down on a bed and really [screwed]?
Me: Of course, I love that!
J.: Me too!
J. grinned at me in such a way that L. knew what he meant, and she cringed, the cutie
------------------ "I'll be a Venus on a chocolate clamshell rising on a sea of marshmallow foam." -Hedwig
[This message has been edited by PoetgirlNY (edited 04-08-2002).]
Most of my female friends just won't accept that lesbian sex is sex at all. Sex involves a penis and a vagina and that's it. Lesbians can only do the 'foreplay' bit (manual/oral etc), which I've noticed most people my age attach little or no importance to, and therefore they cannot have 'real sex'. In fact, my best mate always says that she doesn't fancy lesbian sex because it sounds boring (mainly due to the lack of a penis). It bugs the hell out of me, but I just can't change their minds, especially since I don't have any personal experience in that area. So I've kind of given up. Still makes me very very angry though.
Posts: 394 | From: Manchester, Lancashire, England | Registered: Dec 2000
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It seems to me that this concept, defining "sex" as penile penetration, is rooted in very archaic, male-oriented attitudes.
In times past, it mattered not whether women experienced orgasm or any pleasure at all. The sex act started with penis insertion and ended with ejaculation. Interesting to note that is the definition Bill Clinton chose to use when he testified under oath in court.
To this day, in many african and some middle eastern countries, the most sensitive parts of a girl's genitals are cut out at puberty, because those cultures define sex in terms of the male experience and disregard women's.
Some girls feel the need to employ a male-oriented definition of sex out of convenience, in order to retain their virginity in some strange sense. Playing this mind game serves the old male-oriented double standard that places a premium on virginity --particularly an intact hymen. At the same time, it pretty much throws away any emotional and spiritual benefits of waiting until marriage.
Let's look at what is really important about sex: Intimacy and gratification. For many women, this has less to do with penetration and more to do with rubbing things the right way. By my definition, "sex" is anything that results in me getting off, which could be things like self-pleasuring, petting or even prolonged kissing.
Ok, I have calmed down since my rant in orientation and Identity, so therefore can make some sort of intelligent comment.
I remember when I came out to a girl in my class before we went to a school trip to Paris she went absolutely ballistic about it(she was really cool about it afterwards- it just came as bit of a shock) So, we were over in Paris anyway, sharing a room(thats how cool she was with it) and we flicked on the t.v. French t.v. can be very strange at times, let me guarantee you that. There was an interesting t.v. show on, if you know what I mwan, and it brought us on to the topic of sex. That's when she asked me, how exactly do lesbians have sex. I answered with possibly the worst phrasing, and I quote:
"Well, you know, we have accessories!!"
The look on her face was just priceless as she worked out EXACTLY what I meant. Fortunately I escaped to the bathroom before she started screaming(she's wuite fond of that). I think I spent the whole night giggling when I thought of the look on her face. Of course it was even funnier when she asked me what accessories EXACTLY did I mean! Explaining dildo's to a fifteen year old is not fun!!
Hey now, imagine being fifteen and having to explain to *older* people about dildos and vibrators and strap ons and what's so appealing about BDSM! I hate to sidetrack, but this story is too good to not tell:
In world history we had to get into groups and make up laws for a country we were given. Most people just covered the basics: free speech, right to bear arms, democracy, etc, but of course for me and my friend we did everything from Marriage and bearing/adopting children regardless of the party's gender to the right of a female to make choices about her own reproductive system, to the right to defend against a violent attack and the right to consent to a violent act. A classmate was reading our laws and asked "what do you mean by the right to consent to a violent act happening to you?" My friend and I exchanged a look and tried to keep straight faces as we explained "well, when two people care for each other very much, sometimes they like to hurt each other to various degrees of injury...". Oooh goodness, that was sooo classic.
I have yet to have anyone venture to ask me what is it that I do with the girls I'm with, but everyone knows I'm really kinky-minded and since most of my friends go to the Rocky Horror Picture show (double sided dildos and rubber fists and whips, oh my! Maybe we get a bit carried away...) they don't really have to
In the children's karate class I teach, we have discussions about various violence-related topics. Once we were discussing different forms of child abuse. Sexual abuse came up, and we were talking with 8 year olds, so it needed to be clarified what the difference is between sexual abuse and consensual sex. Keeping in mind that this is a very queer-friendly and sex-positive martial arts school, the definition of sex we gave to the children was, "When two grownups or teenagers hug, touch, or kiss in a way that feels good to both of them." It's like, awwwwwwww. A little narrow, but for the purposes of distinguishing from abuse to 8 year olds, I thought it was lovely.
Yes, the topic has been here for two months. Yes, I'm still going to reply.
A girl who's been a good friend of mine for some time now broke up with her long-term boyfriend for a temporary period, and during that intermission, there was sex.
It was just hand sex. I didn't get even a little bit naked for any of it. (It's a thing I have---I'm fine servicing others in a casual way, but I get all weird about being touched if I'm not more involved than that. It's probably some kind of vulnerability thing.)
A while after this, she told me that it had really made her reconsider what she considered sex---that kind of thing had been relegated to foreplay or anticipation of something else, not the "main event", so to speak. (She said well...it was saying that hetero sex with penetration was not the only form of 'real' sex...and I thought about it...and I realized that it wasn't...)
This was in the context of a discussion on Chasing Amy, which brings up a few of the same issues.
I... enlightened... someone. I'm going to have another one of those 'ego' moments, now.
Actually, this isn't exclusively a GLBT issue - a lot of straight folk with disabilities have to put up with the same silly questions (often in the form of "But can you Do It?" - and if you can't/don't Do It [penis-in-vagina intercourse], then it's assumed you "can't have sex").
By the way, I believe one traditional answer to "So how do you have sex?" is "Just fine, thank you."
[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 05-15-2002).]
So, yeah..this Topic has been on here for ages but, I absolutely must share...when I was 14 I was accidentily thrown out of teh closet as being bisexual at a smalltown high school....Yet, none of the akward, annoying and sometimes hurtful questions asked there can in anyway compare to what my mother said when she was finaly willing to discuss the whole situation...and I quote, "But, you can't be bisexual..do you know what lesbians DO to each other?!!" It took all the strength of wilpower that I had no to reply, "Yes, Mom....very well, actually." Insetead I said simply, "Yes, mom..I am quite well aware..But, straight people haev oral sex too, ya know?" The look of horror and disgust on her face was priceless...and, not to ebe dsigusting, but it alsoe made me feel a little sorry for my father....*goes off giggling*
------------------ "i am not an angry girl but it seems like i've got everyone fooled every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear" -'Not a Pretty Girl' by Ani Difranco
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