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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Lover's a survivor

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Author Topic: Lover's a survivor
Member # 6762

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My lover is a survivor of domestic abuse- I knew her while she was in the relationship in question, she finally escaped her ex girlfriend about six months ago. She was in this relationship for a number of years, starting when she was very young.

I'm very concerned about something that she sometimes does when we are together- she tries to get me to make decisions for her, when asked to decide things for herself she can become very upset, especially if she is under stress. It's pretty clear that this is probably because she is not used to making decisions for herself- her ex was very controlling, but I don't know how to respond to her indecisiveness. I don't want to make choices for her, on big things or on little things but I don't want to see her upset either. Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

Posts: 3 | From: New York, NY, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CuriouS GeorgE
Member # 3136

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I can sympathize.... I've never been with anyone in a relationship who was abused but a very VERY close friend of mine who I've known for many years and it's tough. I don't want to say anything because I know for a fact that it would only make the situation worse and I know people are going to read this and say I'm wrong, but trust me, it will make it worse.

Anyways. Enough about me. If I were in your place, I would probably sit down with her and explain that you care about her a great deal, and eventhough you want the best for her, you can't make all her decisions for her. Then maybe go on to explain that you'll be there for her and help her, but not make any decisions for her, big or small. How long ago did she get out of this relationship? Don't jump to conclusions, she may just need some healing time. Hope that helped a little!

CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6734

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I haven't been in a situation like this as I haven't had a girl friend since I was in about the seventh grade. However, you could try to help her make simple decisions. For example, go out for breakfast and ask her to pick where you both should go. Then ask her what she would like to eat. Maybe if you guys like shopping, hit the mall and ask her what kind of clothes she likes... "Do you like this? What about this?" With out letting on what you like before she answers. (She'll be more likely to cling to what you said... like she wants to please you.) You could do numerous things, little by little until she gets her voice.

Best Wishes

Posts: 5 | From: Middle of Nowhere | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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