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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » What made you decide?

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Author Topic: What made you decide?
Hotbuttered101
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I'm totally in the closet...But for those who aren't...What was tha catalyst that made you decide to tell people the truth about you sexuality? Was it that last episode of Ellen's show, watching 'The Broken Hearts Club'(G-d that movie's brilliant) for the 3rd time, or was it just 'the right time?'
Share, share

Oh...I didn't want to have to start another topic fot this so I'm going to add it on here. There's the site: www.teenfx.com, which is a rather kewl place to check out. the forums are completely open except swearing and all that is blocked out. The thing is...In the 'Gender Preference' section(Sub-heading of 'Sex and Love'), you will find a little war going on with the anti-gay people and the people who support homosexuality. Any way...I just think that if anyone wants to sign up and offer some support...That would be really brilliant.


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smittenkitten
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I think I realised I was lying to myself and my family. Gillian Anderson's support of GLBT people also helped me. The biggest hurdle was telling my mum, but luckily it all went fairly smoothly.

I came out only a few months after I realised my sexuality. I think I'd subconsciously known for awhile, but until began blabbing on about which girls were hot, I never really knew myself.

Hugs & Scully,
Winnie :0)


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-Jill
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That was it for me too - the lying. I try to be honest with myself and others as much as possible and it makes me uncomfortable when I'm not. However, I have to temper that honesty with common sense. I haven't told most of my family because they won't react well and I need them in my life more than I need them to know I'm bi. I don't tell everyone but it was just time to be more honest with a lot of people.
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kythryne
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Yeppers -- it's the lying and hiding that makes it impossible for me to be in the closet. I hatehatehatehate hiding parts of myself. Mind you, I'm not exactly out there screaming it from the rooftops, but I definitely don't bother to hide it either. It's kinda like my tattoo -- I don't run around going "hey everybody, lookkit my tattoo!" but I don't try to keep it covered up all the time either. It's just quietly there, and if someone wants to notice it, they do, and if they choose to ignore it, hey, that's their perogative.

Most people aren't at all surprised when they learn I'm queer. It's just one part of me, no more or no less important than any of the rest. I act like it's perfectly normal, I don't make a big deal out of it, and I think that helps a lot with acceptance.

Kyth


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DrQuack5
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Along with everyone else that's posted so far, for me it was the lying. Although it wasn't that lying to myself, it was lying to other people. I knew I was gay and accepted the fact. Other people didn't know, and I kept it from people. I found myself really displaced from my little group of friends because while they were all off talking about hot guys (the guys in my group never talk about girls. How silly.) and all that stuff, I felt really unincluded, I suppose. I hated that so much.

Another thing that made me come out was having a girlfriend ... like, people would know that I was going out with someone but I never said who (or she, come to think of it). Eventually, I got sick of that and just was like, "Hey, I'm doing a girl!" and everyone's reaction was either, "WHAT?!" (more of a surprised 'what' than anything else, like, not rude) or, "Duh. Tell me something I don't know." It was quite intersting.

I think the biggest part for me was not being able to share all of me with people. I'm a very open person (and actually have a policy with all of the friends that they can ask me ANYTHING and I will answer it) and couldn't stand hiding such a large part of me.


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jazzpenguin
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I was outed. (Thanks so much, guys!) So I really didn't choose to come oput. I told a few of my closest friends in complete confidence, and two of them blabbed. When people started to ask me questions about my orientation when I thought only 4 people new, I was devestated that I couldn't trust my friends.

Then I realised that I might as well be open about it, so now my whole school knows. I'm having a bit of a bumpy ride, but hey, c'est la vie.

Know I find that I come out to people I hear saying homophobic things, because usually they change their opinion after they find out that I'm gay. As one guy said:"But there's nothing wrong with you!"

Ah well.

------------------
jz


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Hotbuttered101
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I can totally understand the lying thing. When someone asks me who I like and I don't like a guy, I say 'no-one.' In my head there's a little voice screaming out my female crush's name. I really do hate lying...I'm hiding something that I would like to (need to?) share.

I know when I'm ready I'll come out. Right now, I don't feel I'm ready. Maybe I'm just a wuss The time will come though...


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m:i-2
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I am at the moment coming to tearms with the fact that I could be bi and It is really ahrd when people ask you who you like and u have to day no one and all the time tis there in the back of your head.I think when the time is right for you to come out you'll know.I think that if you really feel its something you need to do then try a really close friend.Good luck
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Pumpkin_Pie
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You know, I'm in out to some people and in to a lot more and what I can't stand about being in is that when this grl rejected me and told me she was straight and that it was never going to happen, I got so upset and I had to go to school and pretend that everything is hunky dory because if I was upset, people would ask and I'd have to lie to them about some pretend guy or something. I hated it. I stil do. I try to not include myself in discussions about who people like because I might find myself shouting out my P.E teacher's name!!!! I'm seriously considering coming out. Even if I do go to an all girls Catholic School. What fun that will be!!1


p.s Welcome to the boards M:I-2!!! From a fellow Irish person!!


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Buttercup
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Well, Im currently working on coming out as bisexual, taking it one person a time. I've already told all my net pals, but those are people I'll probably never meet face to face, so that wasn't THAT hard... I've also told a couple of my closest friends (a guy and a girl) and another that isn't so close but I think I can trust her for discreteness, to "test" reactions on. The close female friend has been very supportive, and it really is great having someone close to me I can talk to like that. The guy friend, on the other hand, seemed supportive, but I've recently found out from him that he thought I was joking. Then again, after I made him believe a few years ago that I know Chinese I don't know why I expect him to take me seriously... He said hed believe me when I have a girlfriend...
I didn't intend to tell my less closer friend, we had a conversation about blood donations today (we had a blood drive in school) and it stirred to how they don't want donations from people who sleep with people of the same gender, and from that it just kept on rolling and rolling... She told me that the idea of homosexuality pretty much grossed her out, but it really is non-of her business who I sleep with, so she won't stop being my friend. She tried to convince me to ignore the side of me that goes for girls and try and achieve a normal life and family with a guy. It was a bit difficult trying to explain to her that yes, I might fall in love with a guy and spend the rest of my life with him, but I can just as easily fall in love with a girl, and I'm not going to deny my feelings just to have a "normal" life.
And I also told my guidance council and shes been really great and I had a wonderful talk with her. Apparently she has a lesbian cousin, so she knew the subject quite well.
I'm getting a bit off subject here, aren't I? The main reason I decided to come out was pretty much like most of the people here, I'm getting a bit tired of lying to other people, and luckily I live in a pretty liberal area, so I'm not that worried about homophobia. Still, I guess that I'm hoping that one of the few people I tell will leak it out and will save me the need to tell people myself.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.


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saxgoddess70
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I came out to my whole english class yesterday. Now i am open at school i guess you could say. I'm afraid of my parents finding out because we had a run in this summer and they are NOT okay with it. So, eventhough I am afraid of my parents finding out, it was the right time for me to come out to my peers. My teacher read a story about a football player that came out to his whole football team. I figured sense I wanted to come out sometime soon, that it was a perfect time. My class was over all accepting of me and I hope that I will be met with acceptance-not just tolerance. Cross my fingers.
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indigodazed
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The first time that I ever came out was because my friend asked me. (She's bi) It was such completely casual question that I was perfectly comfortable just answering her, even though up till that point I hadn't been sure I wanted to tell anyone. After that, it was simple. I suppose that her positive reaction (she grinned and gave me a huge hug) made me comfortable telling others. I'm still not completely out. My friends all know. A lot of my peers know. I haven't told my family, but I am 99% sure that my mom knows. She always tries to bring it up. She'll comment on my rainbow necklace, or she'll make a special effort to point out GLBT related articles in the news paper, or she'll ask me (nonchalantly of course) if people are allowed to bring same-sex dates to school dances. It's pretty amusing.
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BJadeT
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I'm only recently semi-out, and it's weird really. I never decided 'today I will come out', it just sort of happened. I'd rather drop big hints to people (like pinning up the page 3 girl we found on the bus), and let them work it out for themselves than just say 'look, I'm bi'. I find those words very hard to say.

I don't really think there was a catalyst as such. This site definitely helped me come out to myself, and as I got more comfortable with that, I got more comfortable with other people knowing.

The coming-out that I've done so far has not really changed my life that much. Still haven't got a girlfriend! But it hasn't hurt me, and I suppose it's better that people know these things than don't.

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What is this life, so full of care, we have no time to stop and stare...

Read my diary-what fun you'll have


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Sunset_Rose
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Actually, its kinda amusing to me that my parents know because of this site! They check up on what im looking at on the net (a fact i didnt know before, grr) and found the posts I'd been making. We talked, they are fine as long as Im happy.
As simple as that.

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DrQuack5
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That's awesome! Good for you and them!
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fly_little_wing
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I'm only out to 2 people, and I really don't have much outing experience. As well, both of them are lesbians, so I didn't have to worry about not being accepted. Thirdly, they knew even before I did, so it was very easy to come out.

I decided I wanted to come out to the first girl because I needed someone to discuss my feelings with. I'd only questioned my sexuality for about 2 or 3 weeks before I told her, and I was quite nervous, even though it was over the internet.

I told my second friend a couple months later. I'm very close to her, and these 2 girls are best friends, so I figured she better find out too. This conversation was over the internet as well, and it was a little more nerve-wracking. I asked my first friend to be there in the convo with me, and she ended up blurting it out for me since I was too chicken.

I really really want to come out. I'm so sick of lying to all my friends. And I don't want to mislead my friends and family either. I'm too chicken to ask them how they feel about homosexuality in fear that they'll figure me out prematurely. So once I'm ready, I'll tell them. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to last not telling them.

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And now she's walking through the clouds with a circus mind that's running wild. ~ Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams and fairytales. ~ All she ever thinks about is riding with the wind. ~ When I'm sad she comes to me. ~ With a thousand smiles she gives to me, free. ~ 'It's alright, it's alright' she says. 'Take anything you want from me. Anything.'


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Kajego
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I had to reasons for telling my parents I was bisexual. First of all, I have an internet girlfriend, and I wanted to make sure they knew I wasn't strait before I told them (still haven't yet, but will when I'm more sure of our relationship...).

Secondly, well...I was just tired of being closeted. It made me miserable. I hate lyign about myself.

I also told (one of) my best friend recently (who now knows abotu my internet girlfriend...) for the same reason. I know I'd still feel a bit akward about talkign abotu the females I'm atracted to with her, but...well, I didn't want to keep it from her anymore. I wanted her to know the truth about me, I always have.

Besides, her initial reaction was very funny ^_^;;


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naughtykitty
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I don't think I was ever actually IN the closet... I never lied to anyone about my sexuality.
I never felt like I was hiding... it never really seemed like that big of a deal to me. The same way most people don't feel the need to inform everyone of their heterosexuality, I never felt the need to inform everyone of my bisexuality... that's just the way I was.
I never actually "came out" to my parents. I had a girlfriend for a year and I did not actively try to hide the relationship. In fact, she lived with us for 5 months, and I think they caught on.

I guess personally, it bothers me to think that I am expected to make a huge deal out of my sexuality if it veers from the norm. I don't think of it that way. I don't feel I should have to come home and announce I have a girlfriend anymore than I would announce that I have a boyfriend [I wouldn't]. I don't treat my relationship with a female any differently than I do with a male [other than the obvious individual differences], so it bothers me to think that since others see it differently, I would have to treat it so.

I hope that made sense


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Dude_who_writes
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I know exactly what you mean, Naughty. I get such weird looks from some of my queer friends because I'm not a card-carrying, out-and-proud person. My sexuality is my business. Nothing more, nothing less. If there's someone close to me that I feel the need to share my sexuality with, then I do so.

It's not something, however, that I have to constantly assert and make a defineable part of my personality. Sexuality, at least in my opinion, isn't something that has to take over your life. Just like Aria51 like to say -- there is a time and place for everything. And, there's just some times when your sexuality isn't an important or relevant topic.

------------------
Tim
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I am not Dr. Freud, nor is he on staff. The talking cure this ain't.


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mnsouthpawjr
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I denied my sexuality when I was in high school because I had no idea you could be bisexual. I also thought my attraction to males was an extended experimentation.

After high school and before college (too time off), I told my then g-f about my past and she was supportive. I never really came out at that point.

It took me failing 3 out of 4 my classes my third quarter in college to come to grasp my sexuality and accept it. It was hard because I'm getting "hit on" by other guys in a pranking manner. I'm also getting threats and obscene phone calls at 3 a-m. It totally made me depressed and it obviously made concentrating on school a pretty low priority.

It got to the point that my life was going downhill and I figured it didn't matter what my friends thought anyway. Why?? I assumed my coming out to them would have them de-friend me. However, it actually strengthened the friendships. How? Even though I expected the worst, my ability to tell them my sexuality meant I trusted them.

I have been "selctively open" about my sexuality since that day.


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sad_girl
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i came out of the closet because being in the closet was suffocating me. i couldn't handle not being honest about myself so i just told the truth. it was ard, but worth it.
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RossGGG
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I have only come out to two people so farm my cousin (who is also one of my best friends) and a close friend from school. The problem I've had is that I always suspect that they're not comfortable with it. They haven't openly supported me, my friendships with them have pretty much remained unchanged. Maybe I'm just the one that's not comfortable with it.

I actually told my parents and sister once, when I first suspected that I might be gay. My mom was supportive, but she always wanted to talk about it and it was too weird. My dad said I wasn't old enough to know yet. Eventually, they all forgot I was gay and they resumed talking to me about what kind of girl I want to date or see myself marrying and if I want to have kids. Now, I'm in the closet al over again and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell them again .


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Sunset_Rose
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"I assumed my coming out to them would have them de-friend me. However, it actually strengthened the friendships. How? Even though I expected the worst, my ability to tell them my sexuality meant I trusted them."

I totally agree with mnsouthpawjr. I had massive fears about telling my friends, but after telling the people who are close to me, my relationships with them have only grown stronger because I showed that trust.
One friendship in particular has really blossomed without the secrets, and I am so happy that it has.


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Sunset_Rose
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"I assumed my coming out to them would have them de-friend me. However, it actually strengthened the friendships. How? Even though I expected the worst, my ability to tell them my sexuality meant I trusted them."

I totally agree with mnsouthpawjr. I had massive fears about telling my friends, but after telling the people who are close to me, my relationships with them have only grown stronger because I showed that trust.
One friendship in particular has really blossomed without the secrets, and I am so happy that it has.


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fly_little_wing
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Two new coming out developments for me.

On Boxing Day, I decided it was time to stop hiding from one of my friends. We've been good friends for over a year. She lives in Italy, but we met this summer. I valued our friendship, and I didn't feel it was right to hide from her. So, I told her. I was so nervous, but she was perfectly okay with it. She said she is perfectly okay with gays, and my coming out to her didn't change our friendship at all. If anything, it probably strengthened it because now I can talk openly about my sexuality.

I also came out to my mom over the Christmas break. She'd suspected this about me since I was in grade 7, which is 2 years even before I realize it. (They always know before we do) She doesn't think of me any differently, although she's kind of worried about me- how I'll be treated, how I'll have to go through life. I get the feeling she doesn't want me to come out to many more people for fear that that'll change my friendships with them. Thankfully I'm not bursting to come out as much any more, so I think I'll be able to go quite a few months longer without telling anyone.

But telling my mom and my friend was definately a great thing for me! I told my mom (or more like confirmed her suspicions when she confronted me with them) because I didn't want to have to hide and sneak around anymore. I wanted to be able to read the books I wanted, watch the movies I wanted, talk about GLBT issues, etc. And it hasn't gotten to the point where she's seen me watching lesbian movies or anything, but we've talked about it a bit, and it feels good.


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Chyna2255
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I was outed. By my brother basicly he found out and told my sister and her boss. Then after that I happened I figured I wanted to be the one that told my closet friends and my mom. So I just came out with it and now they are all cool with it.

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"We who are truley brave will never live in fear" The Rock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much. -- Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Look at me, you may think you see, who I really am. But you'll never know me. Every day is as if I play a part, now I see, if I wear a mask, I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart.


Posts: 25 | From: denver,co,usa | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tranced
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Like others have said before, i could only lie to myself for so long before admitting how I really felt. I had definitely been aware of my sexuality since I was a freshman in High School, but I tried VERY hard to supress that part of me up until my freshman year in college (i.e. now). After much thinking...i stopped lying. I recently admitted to myself that I was gay a couple days before Christmas, but definitely felt it was too early to tell anyone else. I was very depressed throughout the entire vacation because I felt really closed in and isolated. It only got worse when I went to the family Christmas Eve party and had various relatives ask me things like "So, hows college? Have you found a girlfriend yet?". Also, most of my relatives are very religious (mormon, to be precise), so it wasn't like I could just come out right there (though I think I dropped a few hints).

After coming back from my vacation, I came out to a friend of mine who is gay, and it felt good to talk to someone about it. Also, he seemed to understand what I was going through, which helped to weaken the feelings of loneliness. I have also told two other friends, but I still haven't told anyone else.

ack, this kinda turned into a rant. Sorry about that :/

btw, first post!...I'm glad I found this site. It's nice to hear others talk about the things that have been going through my head for the past few weeks.

[This message has been edited by Tranced (edited 01-08-2003).]


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w1lmaw0nka
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i was really super involved with gsa, most of my friends assumed i was lesbian/long before i was very out to myself. i went out with a girl. my friends were like "can you do something on friday?" and i said "no, i'm doing something with my girlfriend on friday" they were like "Oh? you have girlfriend?" and i of course said "yeah" and then there was no more disscussion besides our regular debates on queer theory. also i started going to the glbt support group at school which most of my friends already go to. some lesbians gave me inquiring glances, and then procceded to hit on me later. i've always hung out at lesbian coffee shops with my friends though so it's not like i wasn't used to girls hitting on me.
i came out to my mom because we were talking about crushes and i was like "i have a major crush on becky, shes really pretty." end of discussion.

all in all not traumatic at all, i guess im really lucky.


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Worldz Endz
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I was outed as well.. i trusted my bf in confidence.. he was my best friend and then my other 2 best friends and i stopped talking and they became close with him and insisted upon knowing my biggest secret and he decided to tell them.. so then my very tiny middle skool all found... that was proably best for me because now that im in HS i tell people openly.. but my mom still doenst know.. thats a topic for another time

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*It takes a courageous man to ask forgiveness, but it takes a loving man to forgive*~Me

*Bisexuality is everywhere... embrace it*


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butterflywings
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Member # 12455

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hey
i havent come out. and i am only starting to think i may be bi or lesbian. and now i don't know what i would do if i am!
i told this guy that i'm pretty close to that i'm a bit confused. but now i think it was a bad idea. since he thinks the only way to know for sure is sex, and he's made it quite clear to me he wants to have sex with me. and i've made it quite clear im really not interested in sex right now. but he keeps telling me i should do it.
oh, did i mention he likes the whole threesome idea? so if i'm bi he will still want sex. if i am bi, the idea of a threesome does not appeal to me.
the worst part is that we're both pretty depressed. so i don't want to tell him to screw off, because we get along great when we don't talk about sex (or politics now that i think of it..)
ok.. im kind of rambling, and this probably doesnt even fit in with this topic much. so i'll finish off and say, if i am bi or lesbian, when i really come out, how can i avoid this kind of thing?

Posts: 9 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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Definitely maintain your ground! If you don't want to have sex continue saying no, regardless of your current confusion, regardless of anyone's depression. Really though, he should have enough respect for you to to accept your no, even if you are bi, even if you change your mind about threesomes, even if you sprout purple feathers and fly.

As it sounds like you know, having sex isn't the best way to determine your sexuality. Besides -- it would be quite unpleasant, to say the least, to be someone's experiment. From what you've posted it sounds like you're thinking very clearly so just give yourself time. You do not have to commit to a label, now or ever. The Gaydar section may be helpful.


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chickacherrycola
Neophyte
Member # 12324

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I first came out to one of my friends by accident. I was telling her about this "guy" I really like and "she" sort of slipped out as some point. It was a little akward, but overall it felt really good to be able to be truthful with her. From there I have come out to all my friends, but still not my parents. yikes.
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i'macutie52
Neophyte
Member # 12425

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i try to find out my close friends'personal views on the topic of being bi. alot of them just kind of freak out about the topic so i have not told any of them that i am bi. it kind of sucks cuz i don't really like to not be completely honest with them. some times i can't relate to them but can't say so. as for my parents they haven't asked so until they do, i guess i won't worry about it!
ashley

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nappyafrochik
Neophyte
Member # 11950

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well. boys never liked me in high school, and like, i never knew why, and after a while i stopped stressing about it. so like i realized sometimes i'd like a guy, but then i'd like a girl too. it didn't bother me, like i wouldn't mind being out, but i didn't want totell people and not be completely sure myself. the first time i was def nsure i like chicks was my first gf. althogh she did me COMPLETELY wrong, it's ok. i got over it. eventually. but after i was completely sure that hey i think i like both or something, i decided that if people asked or suspected, i'd tell, and i wouldn't hide that heyif i thought that chick was cute, (like one on a sports team here, which is why i went to their games; :O.....<--drool) cuz i kno i said some chick was cute, and some peopel around the dorm went and asked my friend about me. which is fine, except they could have come and asked me.
so basically i decided i didn't like peopel not knowing realy important things about me, things that kinda make up part of who i am, so i told. i know i told my friends when i got to college becuase since a lotta people are homophobic and will drop you no matter how cool they though tyou were, i decided i didn't wanna f*ck with anyone who wouldn't accept me for my meness, and they were fine with it. and some were intrigued and wanted me to tell my life story. i was amused.

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--->O_o<---


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