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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Girlfriend?

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Author Topic: Girlfriend?
CuriouS GeorgE
Member # 3136

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Hey everyone!

Alright, I know this is a really personal thing and I have to make my own decisions by myself without anyone telling me what to do, but I kinda need a little help or advice on what you guys would do in this situation. I'm really frustrated! Ok, here we go.

I just recently came out to a few of my friends and my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. No one has any problems with it and they're all cool with it. That's not the problem. The problem in that I'm going away for the summer to Vancouver B.C. and I'm getting a job there and stuff, and I know I'm going to meet people. The thing is, I know Vancouver's a LOT bigger than my hometown and there are way more "out" people there. Still with me? Well, I'm kinda looking forward to meeting other people who are out (don't know many here) and I was kind of looking forward to meeting a girl. Not for a girlfriend. Just to meet a girl. I mean I'll only be there for two months, how can I have a girlfriend? It's also been a while since I've been with a girl and now that my b/f and friends are all ok with it, I really wanna get with another girl, I don't feel ashamed about my feelings anymore...I'm really anxious. I'll be a little dissapointed if I don't meet one while I'm gone. Now, the problem is somewhat a moral dilemma. My b/f said that it would be 100% ok if I decided to be "involved" with a woman while I'm there and he wouldn't consider it cheating on him. He said even if I came back and met someone and did it once in a while, he wouldn't consider it cheating.
That's my problem. I already talked to all my other friends about it and they said they would consider it cheating and I think I would a way. So, I don't want to feel like I'm taking of advantage of my b/f because I would be with other people (not men, just women) and he wouldn't be, but I feel like if I don't do it, I'll always want to and I'll regret not doing it. Especially if I'm in the position to do it, and I turn her down. (I've already been with a woman, but not for a number of years, and I wasn't out then.)

So basically, I don't know what to do!! I really want to do it and I know he thinks it's ok, but I kind of consider it cheating on him. Has anyone else been in this situation before, or something similar to it?
Even if you haven't, I really need some help, or even what you guys think. Just because you guys say something, it doesn't mean I'm gonna do it. I just need to hear some advice or opinions!! Thanks guys!!

CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2105

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Hmm, this is a toughy. I wouldn't do it merely because it does seem too much like cheating for my comfort, but if you are okay with it, then go ahead. I personally would see what happens, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with two people--I would probably have to pick if I did meet someone in your situation.
Posts: 356 | From: Phoenix--name that plurally | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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Cheating is something that is very personal. What is cheating to you might not be cheating to your friends and vice versa.

If you have spoken to your bf about this and you have both discussed what constitues cheating and what doesn't, it sould not be cheating.

But then again, if you are uncomfortable with the idea about being involved with someone else, don't. You should never do anything you are not comfortable with.

However, you also never know what will happen when you are away and the fact that you have discussed the what ifs and possible scenarios is very sensible.

So don't worry too much about whether you will be physically involved with someone else or not. Go enjoy your trip and know that should the situation arise where you might want to be involved with someone else, you have already discussed it with your bf.

And of course, safe sex is a big must.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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Sounds to me like you and your boyfriend are looking at negotiating a polyamorous relationship -- or at least a polysexual one.

And if you and your boyfriend don't see it as cheating, and you have negotiated some ground rules and some boundaries that will allow you to have a relationship with each other while having a relationship with other people at the same time, and you are prepared to deal with the often unexpected consequences of engaging in multiple relationships, then it's not cheating. It is, however, a lot of work.

Whew. That was a long sentence. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you are willing to do the work to have multiple relationships, of whatever flavor, and your partners are okay with it, then that's all that's necessary. However, your friends may not understand or approve, and you'll have to deal with that. And you may feel like you're doing something wrong -- and if you do, then maybe it isn't the thing for you.

That make any sense?


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Lisa D
Member # 389

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I agree with ErinK on this one. It sounds as if you (and possibly your boyfriend) are interested in having some experiences outside of your primary relationship. Lots of people feel this was, and as long as you and your boyfriend communicate *honestly* about how the two of you feel, what boundries are acceptable, and how you will handle outside relationships as a couple, I see no problem. everyone requires different things of their relationships, and it shouldn't rattle you that your tastes may be a little different than what is considered "mainstream."

However, one important point to consider. If your boyfriend approached you about possibly entertaining another relationship (whether that be just sexual, romantic, or anywhere in between) how would you feel about it? It's also important that you focus on how YOU feel, not the collective feelings of your friends. While they can give good advice, ultimately, you must be the one comfortable with the decisions.

Posts: 442 | From: Dublin, OH USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 168

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I'm going to bump this over to GLBT Relationships. BTW, I agree with ErinK too. It's between you and your boyfriend, and it's not cheating as long as everyone is being open and honest.

*Limes Are Sublime*

Posts: 1101 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CuriouS GeorgE
Member # 3136

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Thanks for the help so far guys. And in response to all of that (bear with me, this may take a while) here I go.

Ok, so I feel the same way some of you do with the fact that it's not cheating if neither of us feel it is.
Also, I was thinking that we should maybe "take a break" from each other for the summer while I'm gone, and if either of us want to, to be with other people because if he wants to, he can. I mean, I can't stop him. Obviously I would be hurt if maybe I didn't meet anyone or I did and turned them down (for the sake of OUR relationship) and he did become involved with someone else knowing I didn't for us. I would possible break up with him, (UNLESS it was merely a FLING for while I was gone) but that's just the way I am and he knows that. I'm extremely protective of my b/f! lol Anyways, I would break up with him however if he chose to stay with her and he wanted to stay with me. Still with me? I actually don't want to take time off, but I want him to be happy because he can't come with me. Then again, it's only 2 months right? I also know he loves me more than anything in the world and taking a break is the last thing he wants to do.

I think I gave some of you the wrong idea. I don't want a polyamorous relationship and neither does he. (He REALLY doesn't.) Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.

Well I'm going to try and explain how I feel. You know when children get a new toy and they wanna play with it a lot at first and then after a while, they don't? Well, that's basically how I feel right now. I haven't been with a woman in a long time and when I had been with one (I've been with two before) I wasn't out at then. So, I just came out a couple weeks ago and because everyone is so supportive and cool with it, I'm not embarrassed to hide my (sexual/emotional) feelings and because of all of these factors, I'm becomming anxious to be with a woman again. It's not that I want to be with a man and a woman at the same time, I just want to (in lack of a better word) "get with" a woman again now that I've come out and "get a feel for it" if you will.

The thing is, I don't want him to cheat on me which is why I don't know if I want to be with a woman because if I do it, then it would be ok for him and I'm not trying to be selfish. (Which is why I'm saying I don't want to because then he won't have a reason to.) I don't know if that makes sense. Anyways, this post looks long enough... If I forgot anything, I'll post again.
Thanks guys!

CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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