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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Have you had "the talk"?

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Author Topic: Have you had "the talk"?
Mary
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No, not THAT talk... I mean have you told your parents that you're gay, bisexual, 1/4 lesbian, curious, or transgender? How did they take it? If you haven't told them, are you anxious? Planning on doing it in the furture? Are you even planning on telling them at all?

I told my parents that I was gay last year, and they took it very well. Actually I only told my mom, and she told my dad. I told her in the car when we were talking, because the car is kind of like our little therapy spot. So I told her, and she was glad that I had... Not mad, confused, upset, or anything. Growing up in a conservative town it's not common for young people (or even older for that matter) to speak up about their sexuality. I was sort of worried about the reply I would get from my mother, but it turned out to be fab!

What about your experiences?

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

"Well, I use fertilizer and a new product I got at The Home Depot."


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DrQuack5
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Yeah, my parents know. And it came up because I was spending too much time on the phone with my girlfriend. My dad suspected my girlfriend (which is insanely hilarious because she is so girly and seeminly non-gay) but never said anything about it until it came up. Oh, and it's kinda funny that my dad suspected my girlfriend because her mom knew I was gay before I told anyone (she's [her mom] gay, too and has a pretty good gaydar, too).

My parents reaction? Initially, my dad didn't seem too happy (like he kept putting his head in his hands ... negative body language as such) and my mom was just like "OK." It was a bit awkward for me a week or so after I told them (probably about 1.5 months ago) but now I don't think anyone really cares/thinks about it. Although, those comments about marrying some guy have stopped (YAY!). Altogether, it's been a good experience.

[This message has been edited by DrQuack5 (edited 06-05-2001).]


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Gaffer
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Nope, and I'm not planning on having it until Lou moves out (which may be never). Lou is the really conservative guy my mom is dating and he lives with us, I don't know why they aren't married. He's nice I guess, just really conservative and I don't think it would go over well--he got mad when I sewed my own halloween costume three years ago because he thought it would make me queer. This was ridiculous, I knew I was gay before I even met him, much less sewed a shirt. My mom would probably be okay with it except for the no grandkids thing. Too, I'm the last male Brey my family has been able to find so there's the family name thing. Oh well.
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rambler
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My father knows and my mother doesn't.

When I told my dad, it was this big hysterical thing. I really thought it was going to go really badly and I was crying the whole time. I didn't really know I was going to get like that until it actually happened.
Anyway, he calmed me down and then he said something mildly amusing and mildly disturbing: he said that he had expected this for a long time (mind you I came out to him as a lesbian. I was 17 and had never been attracted physically to a guy before) and that he suspected VERY strongly that my MOM already suspected it as well! That was kind of freaky. Apparently they had discussed this or who knows (my parents are divorced).

Anyway, I made him promise not to tell her and he didn't (although he offered to do it for me so that I wouldn't become a mess again.) I basically decided that I had told my father for two reasons: first of all, we talk a lot, and about mostly everything, so I wanted him to know that he ought not to pressure me to date guys (although he never has--again, probably going back to his deciding that I was a big dyke at some point...or who knows...), and also because I was just sharing this with him because I love and TRUST him. And he really appreciated that and picked up on that. So, because my mom and I hardly talk, and I certainly don't trust my mom very much, and she has a really big tendency to freak out whenever I do tell her anything as if the world is ending just because for one second I thought maybe I COULD trust her with something, I just decided not to get into it with her. My family is Irish Catholic and my uncle was gay (he died in January 1994), and, well, it's all complicated.

Anyway, I decided that I might as well not rock the boat with her, and I didn't even have a girlfriend so why bother. Ultimately this has been a good decision for me because of course since then I fell in love with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I realized I'm bisexual. So, had I made a big drama out of telling my mom I was gay, when I fell for my SO she may have very well decided that I had "turned straight" or that I had lied, neither of which I did. :P (No, I'm not a lesbian, but I didn't make it up for attention, I was just never expecting a boy to come into my life...)

Anyway, I expect at a later date to be engaged to him (after college, I think, so 2 years...we could be engaged now but it's just not something we feel we "have to do" in order to know how we feel about one another) so for all intents and purposes I don't have to tell my mother. Maybe it seems I'm taking the convenient way out, here, but not really...There's just no reason to make my mother extremely angry when she's got a lot of problems emotionally and whatever. In the event that the boy and I were to split up, AND I managed to find a girlfriend, then I might see what happens.

In the meantime I do a fair amount of honest talking with my dad about how I feel and about girls I have been interested in. Coming out to him as bi was actually really worrisome to me because I had already committed to something else. Finally, I decided there was no reason to have another angstful "coming out talk" since I was already very out to him as not straight, at least. So I just e-mailed him one day (and showed it to my boyfriend for approval first) that I'd fallen in love with this boy gradually and that I just wasn't concerned about labels anymore. And neither was my dad because he was really happy and proud of me.

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rambler
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Lynne
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I don't know if I really count, since I'm not gay or bisexual, but as I'm not straight either, I'll toss in my two cents.

No, I haven't told them. And I probably won't. First of all, my relationship with my parents is, to say the least, minimal. Truth be told, they haven't acted very parental towards me in years -- my father because he just didn't, and my mother because I hate her and wouldn't let her. I still hate my mom, so there's no way I'm going to give her such personal information as my sexual orientation (or lack thereof, in my case). My father acts like more of a casual acquaintance these days, and as I'm not prone to giving out personal information (like orientation) to people I don't know well, I'm not going to tell him. Also, I don't know if either of them would believe me when I said I wasn't attracted to either sex, and having struggled with this for about a third of my short life, the last thing I need is somebody telling me that I'm just going through a phase.

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To the rational mind there can be no offense, no obscenity, no blasphemy, but only information of greater or lesser value.
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CuriouS GeorgE
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No, I haven't told my parents. I mean I love them and everything but my mom and step dad are a little tiny on the homophobic side. (That's what I think anyways.) I think that they would learn to live with it, but still, I'm a very independent person and I would rather not tell them.

My mom would just think I'm going through a stage. She's probably the last person I would tell, she's VERY judgemental. You knows what my step dad would think...I don't even want to think about that! I want to move out here as soon as possible!

Anyways, to my other parents, my dad and step mom. I love my dad more than anything in the world (unlike my mom and step dad, don't like them) and me and my dad are practically the SAME person so we get along really well-we're both REALLY goofy....lol... so anyways. My dads religious and don't get mad at me for saying this, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, he's not a mean person or anything, but he figures since the bible says it's wrong to be gay, that all gay people are going to go to hell. Since my step mom pretty much copies him (only for religion!) she feels the same. Like they're really cool, but I don't know what they would do in that kind of situation. Weird to think about it eh?

But I don't really see the reason why my parents would have to know my sexual orientation, it's not like it involves them or anything! So, for now, I pretty much plan to keep it to myself. Maybe if I was a lesbian I would tell them, but I'm bi and I'm perfectly happy with my bf of 1 1/2 years, so I don't think I'm gonna tell them!!

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CuRioUs GeoRGe


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DrQuack5
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Ok, just a funny lil' story that happened about 30 minutes ago, or so. I was sitting on the couch trying to figure out what to write in on of my friends yearbooks (my mom knows her, too) and I was just thinking out loud like, "A whole page? She's insane" so my mom was like, "Well, you could write about the time they Megan and she saw that hot guy." and I said, "No, I wasn't there." So then she said, "You could write about how next year in hockey you can look for hot guys. [pause] Well, at least she can." That just made me laugh (on the inside).
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Laughs_Wisely
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Bad Laughs_Wisely. No cookie.

I haven't had the talk with my parents yet. I'm really not sure why. I've had ample opportunity. Hell, they know I've sampled marijuana...why not tell them I've sampled...er... Yes...

My brother knows. He's two years younger than me, and enjoys this fully. He doesn't think it's creepy, or weird. He just thinks I'm still me, only now we can check out women together, and I can hide his Maxims from mom. (Yeah, guilty pleasure those things are).

I think the main reason is I'm not entirely sure how they'll react. My parents are extremely liberal about my brother and I. We've never had a curfew unless we earned one (by being discourteous, etc). But at the same time, they both have very conservative upbringings.

I also worry about the rest of my family. The 'f-----' jokes I hear flung around the dinner table at family events are a little off-putting. Two of my uncles are 'big burly guys' and are a little homophobic, to say the least. Not that they would hurt me, but I love 'em both to death, and it would hurt me a lot emotionally to be rejected by them over something so trivial as who I choose to go to bed with.

Then there's my grandparents, who, again, I love to death, and I'm really not sure they'd be able to take it. I don't know. They're pretty much unknown quantities.

Hell...I can't even tell most of my friends that I have a girlfriend...

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Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
( Tr. "I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head." )


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unhappykoger
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i have only told one cousin about me being bi. i know that my family wouldnt care and that they would accept it and everything it just hasnt came up. i will eventually tell them. but then they will ask wuestions about my female friend who lives with me and my husband. i dont feel like giving them details or anything.
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Heather
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If it offers any of you any hope, I came out to both of my parents without any real angst when I was 15.

....hoever, my mother had to do it with me not only when I was in my twenties and long since out, but I knew what was up well before she said anything. Ah, gaydar.

(Btw, Dr. Quack -- you're local, dear! We must have coffee.)


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Rizzo
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I don't know that I ever officially told my parents. However, my dad is a transexual so issues of sexual orientation came up quite often in our conversations. So somehow it came out, probably via frequent hinting on my part. I never told my mom, but perhaps my dad told her.
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Lisa D
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Both of my parents are very conservative and religious, so I haven't told them, but I can't help suspect that they already know...Quite frankly, while being the good pansexual I am, I'm just not much into sharing that with many people. I'm kinda private in that way.

I don't know why i'm so victorian about it, I guess I've just always felt that what we do sexually is something we don't share on a large scale. I've been in too many conversations where I'm like, "God, way TOO much information. Unless I'm in a sexuality forum, of course


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Pixie69
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::hides head in shame:: No, I haven't told my parents, or my family, and heck I didn't even mean for my school to find out. At first I told myself it was none of their business, and while it really isn't, it's hard to be an active member of the GBLT community if your parentals (who drive, whereas yo udon't) don't know that you're bi. It's because I know that when I tell them they're going to have to put a lot of trust in me...they're really against me hanging out with guys, how are they going to feel about me hanging out with chicks when they know I like them too?

But...I think it's going to happen soon. My parents are getting suspicious of the "lutheran youth group" I'm going to (when I'm an athiest) and have asked for the address. I'll just give them the adress for the GBLT center, and if they go there then I guess they find out. It's just hard because there's a lot of stuff I want to do, but my friend (who's a lesbian and out to her family) has her mom taking us basically...everywhere, and I feel bad, and her mom's in a sorta moral dilema because she knows my parents don't know. So I'd say chances are within the next month something's going to happen...

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Brittany
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real poetry is all based on this old myth about this beautiful, scary, trippy goddess who the poet wants to possess but he always loses her to this shadowy other guy - Girl Goddess #9

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 06-23-2001).]


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Kuja
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I've told ONE person about my bisexuality: my gay cousin. It's extremely awkward, too, cause now he wants to do stuff with me. While I of course would LOVE to experiment with a same-sex member, it's creepy and incestuous, but he doesn't seem to understand that (*banjo plays*). Anyway, it's good to have him to talk to, but he tends to creep me out sometimes o_O... anyway...

I don't know if I'll come out to my parents... ever. I know that I may fall in love with a woman, and the same with a man, and if I told them I was bi, they'd misconstrue it as gay, then I'd feel an awkward obligation to be gay... it's complicated . It doesn't help that of the three known gay members of my school (including me, but I'm only known to my cousin... and me), there is only one ta I'm not related to. Plus, he's cryptic, and I don't really like talking to him in person... I know of a bi girl a grade older than me, but I could NEVER come out to a girl. I dunno why, I can't explainit >.<;;
-Kuja


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Shadowhawk
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Nope, haven't told my parents. I don't even know if I ever will. They probably wouldn't have some huge problem with it, but I figure I am who I am regardless of if they know or not. They can keep their preconceptions.

People other than my parents know, but the chances that it would ever get back to mom & dad are so slim it's not funny. The one person that really matters, though, is my ... not-quite-girlfriend thing. Dated, broke up, stayed friends, got closer, and eventually I told her I'm bi (despite the fact that she had made a comment about never dating bi guys anymore). We were on the verge of dating again before I told her, and still are. Maybe it helps that she's bi herself.


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Aelia
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I told both my parents I was bisexual just as I was beginning a relationship with a girl. I don't view my personal sexuality to be a huge part of me, it's just another detail that makes me _me_. They took it as I thought they would, understandingly and with little regard-- my parents are quite libral, though my dad thought and, perhaps still, thinks it a phase. All my friends had known, as my girlfriend and I were in the same 'circle of friends', but I hid it from my very closest friend for quite a while. It was a fear I had, that she'd look at our friendship with different eyes. She was told by a friend, later confronted me, and began to cry. But to my relief, she was crying because I'd never told her a fact everyone had known for a long time, she was the last person to know as my best friend, but was finally happy to discover another thing about me. She's a very understanding and intelligent person, and I was lucky to find her for a friend. For living in a very suburban area crowded with intolerance, I'd say 'the talk' worked out well for me...

[This message has been edited by Aelia (edited 07-03-2001).]


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goldengreeny Queeny
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*scrubs at her face tiredly* (7am and I haven't slept yet)

No, haven't got the guts yet. I can't even quit my job and stick with it. My roomies are goign to kick my butt for me if I try to do anything that stupid when I'm living with them again.

My dad is a homophobe. Then again, my dad is a bigot in many arenas, and he didn't have a problem with my last boyfriend, who was Chinese.

My mother has said many times she'd be okay with it, but everytime she tries to get me to tell her (when I'm not ready, like before I accepted it myself, and by trickery, trying to catch me offguard.. when my reaction is usually denial). And again, we really haven't been getting along since I left and returned. All my life I had no way to get away.. and now I got away, and returned changed, and she doesn't like it.

*le sigh*

-A


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Ashy
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Haven't told the parents that I'm bisexual, probably never will. I don't talk to my parents about anything in my private life...so...and I can't see why I should tell them that I'm bi if I don't talk to them about anything else. Only three people know, actually...my best friend (who is also bi), my former psuedo-boyfriend (long story), and a long-time online friend. Laughs_Wisely; love that story about the Maxims. I like them too. It was fun talking to the former psuedo-boyfriend about pretty girls since I can't really talk to anyone else.

:runs off to bookstore to furtively brose through FHM and Maxim:

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Ash


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smittenkitten
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I told my mum about a year ago. I don't plan on telling my dad anytime soon - he's mad enough about the amount of time I spend on the computer. My mum is even making me read "7 habits of higly effective teens". It's a pretty good book, but I don't see it helping me greatly.

Pretty much everyone besides my family (apart from mum) know, and I'm glad. I can't wait to go to college where there will hopefully be a big group of GLBT people.

Hugs & Scully,
Winnie :0)

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velocette
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I have not told my parents about my sexuality yet. I mean, I never told them the scoop of my boy crushes before... so why tell them about the girls? I don't think that they'd react in a heavily negative way, but I doubt they'd say "Yes, thank you! This is what we've wanted to hear!". For some reason I think my mother has a hunch about my bisexuality, but I think it's just cos I'm paranoid

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You're So Disco! : My Online Diary


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DrQuack5
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Hmm ... I guess I should update. I told my parents about ... 4 months ago or so ... hmm ... something like that.

Anyway, one night I was on the phone with my girlfriend and when I got off, my parents wanted to talk. So we had this big lovely discussion about me and my gayness. Woo-hoo (hint: sarcasm). Possibly the only good thing that came of that was them saying, "Well, we'll love you no matter who you are." Other than that, I completely dreaded telling my parents. But now they know. I'm so happy that those comments about my future husband have stopped.


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Desdemona
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Nooo. I haven't had the talk. I love procrastination too much.
~Zylle~

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dyfrgi
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You betcha! I've told my parents and sisters, and I think all of my friends, too.. if there are any of them I haven't told, well, it's just because I didn't really make a big deal out of going around and telling *everyone*, though I did have fun coming out to the whole school at BGLAD (Bisexual Gay Lesbian Awareness Day; our companion school has ToBGLAD, I wonder what my HS is doing now..).

My parents were basically cool with it, though they were kind of uncomfortable at the start. I think it's helped open up my relationship with them a lot, however. I feel a lot more comfortable talking with them about sex, relationships, etc. now than I did before. That might not be causative, though.

I haven't told my further out relatives, though. I can't remember if I've told my grandma. I know she'd be cool with it. She's very hippyish in many ways. My nana though (being my grandmother on my dad's side) is very conservative xtian, as are most of the people on that side of the family, so I'm not so sure about them. Maybe this thanksgiving.

Iono. I definitely should some time in the nearish future. I know it doesn't really matter, but I would feel better having told them, since then I would know that they accept me as me, and not as some misconception thereof.

My mom's reaction when I told her I'm poly, however, was much less positive. Sigh. Silly society. Oh well, given as my only current serious romantic entanglement is a female, I fit the societal norm pretty well, at least on the surface.

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1984 is not an instruction manual
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